I spent so much of my life believing that Good People believe. Good People are Christians. And I so wanted to be a Good Person. For many years of my life, deep down in an unverbalized part of me, I wanted to be seriously GOOD, yet I didn't quite know how to do that. I felt like a bit of a orphan, in a way, like a lost person in need of rescue.
If you notice, I'm capitalizing the word good because, at the time, in my mind, it was this nebulous OTHER, this goal that I had, without guidelines or understanding of it. Even if that sounds like of weird to you, believe me, as sad as it sounds to me now, it was a real desire of mine.
I was very open to someone telling me what was Good, what was important to be Good. I looked outside of myself for some kind of esoteric knowledge, wisdom, or something that would make it obvious to myself and others that I was Good. I was vulnerable to some authority to come along and to tell me the exact thing that would make me Good. And while I was heavily into the church, I was certain that I was on to something with this journey of mine.
I bought in to it hook, line, and non-Freethinking sinker.
I taught Sunday School. I did Bible study. I worked at the parish picnics. I supported the mission work that people were going on. I believed in prayer. I was doing all of the things that the Good People were doing...
I was really and truly convinced.
I'm so grateful for my innate need to Learn More because that is the only way I found my way out. It was an unwilling path I walked at first, the pathway to atheism. My brainwashing was excellent and I am surprised, today, that I am not this same Good Girl, imprisoned in apologetics and rhetoric.
Can You Relate?.
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