Raising Our Strong-Willed Children

This blog post is for you, Dear Parents of Strong-Willed Children.

For my long-time readers, those who have watched my children grow up over these last years of my blog, you will know that my daughter is now nearly twenty-three years of age. If you've followed me for awhile, you know that Elizabeth and I have learned so much together about what it means to be mother and daughter, how one grows up with a strong woman in your life, and how to continue loving and encouraging each other in this dynamic relationship of ours.

We have both learned alot.
If you're in the market to learn about parenting a strong and amazing human being like this, I hope you will take some time and read some of the other posts on this blog that are specific to our lives together. I have posted some of my favorites below, but there are many others to check out. In this blog I have often referred to these specific blog posts with the label challenging children. But, I regret that. Now I might call them Strong-willed children. For now, until I find a better term. Not that challenging is wrong. 😉

Elizabeth is at a very significant place in her life right now. In about a week she will take her final class in undergraduate studies and will be readying herself for a quarantine graduation. She and I have been talking quite a bit about what it has taken to get her to this point in her life in one piece, with some real success, and with this moment of launch that she is facing.

The damn quarantine is a difficult place for our kids, teens, and young adults to find themselves. Their minds and hearts are so vibrant and full; our homes are loving, but small for them. It takes all of our care and love to keep them going in this freaking tough time.

Here is a brief summary of what parents of Challenging Children need to understand and to learn:

• The answer is to NOT "break" her
• Do everything to allow her to keep her pride, keep her spirit
• Including celebrating that spirit
• They have to learn to control their passions in this world, to survive, to thrive, to make it.
• ME controlling her is wrong; I learned that the hard way many times.
• She needs my love, patience, approval, and, most of all, understanding.
• How much can I say 'yes' to her
• I'm her tether, though she kind of hates that fact 
• This is NOT a "behavioral problem", this is who she is.
• I must support her, even when I don't understand.
• She doesn't accept lessons from me; she has to learn them on her own.
• Use positive language when describing her; she is already critical of herself in her head.
• She always prefers having choices and always resents my choice.
• Give them LOTS of latitude, LOTS and lots of latitude! to explore their strong interests.
• Although she often behaves in very unloving ways, she needs my love the most at those times.
• She hates arguing with me as much as I hate arguing with her. Maybe more.
• She can get very mixed up in her own strong emotion and finds our relationship both a touchstone for centering and something she resents.
• Always correct and educate when the storm passes or at peace time - never during the storm.
  
• She's the best friend a mother could ask for. 

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You Might Also Enjoy:
It's Going to be Worth it
My Thirteen Tips for Parenting your Strong-Willed Teen
My Best Days as a Mom

Part Two: Some Call them "Whiners", Drawing a Picture

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I think that at times in my life I have battled my own tendencies toward being a challenging temperament...a little. But I'm generally a very mellow person, quite low key. In my family growing up, some major people in my family are people who are of this temperament, challenging. Now with my daughter being of a challenging personality temperament, I'm the dang sandwich generation. 

No wonder this personality type has been the bane of my existence and the focus of so much of my energy and thought. Both my mother and my daughter mean alot to me and my relationship with each of them requires that I spend time contemplating situations: what is going on? What is hidden? What is being communicated? What will help the situation that my challenging one has created? What part have I played? When do I need some space? What is unsaid in this situation? 

What exactly do I mean when I talk about a challenging temperament? Let me describe the type of things you might notice in a person. But the truth is, I'm just flying by my own experiences here; your post might read differently.

In some families the challenging person is very often misunderstood and maligned. They are often called whiners, complainers, killjoys, bitches, and more. This person has exhausted people. These people may complain and be negative so much and so often that they push people away from them. Many people choose to stay away for the cycle of negativity that a person of this temperament might bear with them. I guess you can figure out your challenging person by how exhausted you feel after an interaction with them.

In my case, I generally see some of these things:

• This person is inconsolable. Their problems are larger and worse than yours.
• This person vacillates between depression and anger and feeling simultaneously powerless and at fault.
• When confronted, this person will reveal a complex morass of confusion and anger that doesn't seem to be based fully in reality.
• This person is convinced that no one can understand how difficult their life is.
• This person tends to react in fairly large ways because they are convinced that their emotions are far too large to contain. Additionally, they are convinced that they have every right to express those emotions freely and without check.
• Understanding and investigation happens second: reactive explosion happens first.
• The complaints are ongoing and seem to reflect obsessive thinking, or an inability to see beyond their own situation.
• This person may have frequent minor physical complaints and require special care.
• This person will explain why their issues are endless and will up the ante if you attempt to bring in a larger-world perspective.
• This person finds a certain amount of comfort or familiarity in their depression or sad state.
• This person might seem to be seething much of the time.
• This person might seem to resist intimacy while simultaneously crave it.
• Any attempt to be solution-focused is met with frustration, indignation, or exasperation.
• This person may feel defeated by life in general and alone in their battle with it.
• This person's reactions to seemingly small things reflects their perception that the world is unfairly stacked against them.
• And this person is completely unaware of how difficult, dramatic, and unrealistic their reactions are to handle and they seem to operate from a position of expecting to not be liked or loved.

Truly each challenging person has their own constellation of provocations and characteristics. Probably the threads running through many of these folks is the certainty that their conflicts are harder than most people's, that no one understands or appreciates their challenges, and that they don't have good self-soothe skills. Also, please note that these characteristics are listed from an outsider's perspective and not from the perspective of the person in question.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have I caught the essence of you or of your loved one? If so, please stick around. I have devised some efficacious actions and interventions that might be useful to you to explore and to understand.

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In my third post of this series I plan on talking about what works if you are a challenging person or if you have a challenging person in your life. And the fourth and final post will talk about additional ideas and suggestions.

Figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life, yet I'm sure my efforts will fall short. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.

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Other Posts I Recommend:
Part One: Some Call them Whiners, The Challenge
A Parental Confession
It's Going to be Worth It
Shooshy: Raising My Daughter
Her Face

Part One: Some Call Them "Whiners", The Challenge

highly sensitive child highly sensitive child highly sensitive child atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent 

Some people that I know, probably some people that you know, don't really seem to understand the challenging temperament of my challenging child. My daughter is infamous for her personality. Some people that I know think of her as spoiled, a Momma's Girl, a whiner, a grump, a general malcontent. I try to give these folks latitude for their opinions because they simply don't understand the struggle; in fact, some of these people are, themselves, of this temperament. Some of them are fairly negative, pessimistic people. Maybe they are projecting a bit. My observation is that there is far more to this challenging temperament than generally understood.

The point is that many people have a difficult time finding compassion in their hearts for that person who is extra sensitive, extra large emotions, and extra complex in their way of moving through the world. Here on my blog I have spent years trying to figure out just the right verbiage for referring to my daughter's temperament and I have, over time, decided to use the word challenging. I'd change that word in a moment if I discovered a better term. 

Challenging

The reason I use that word is because it describes both my interaction with her, her interaction with the world around her, and her interaction within herself. The word challenging takes into consideration the fact that she is as challenged as I am. 

I'm not going to kid you, a challenging child (or adult) is truly challenging whether you understand their inner life or not. But understanding the inner struggles, needs, and personal beliefs will help interpret the best way to help this person both work through the rough times and figure out how to move forward. Understanding might also allow you, the one who is struggling with challenging person in your life, figure out how to approach your beloved or essential person.

I have spent years, literal years, flying by the seat of my pants, using my instincts to figure out exactly what my daughter needed from me to manage those gigantic emotions that she was drowning in. I had no resources, no books or websites, no idea what was going on or what to do for her. All I knew was that her emotions were gigantic, she could not be comforted when in distress, and being solution-focused was annoying to her.

The only thing more upsetting to her during her most difficult periods was her perception that I would have the temerity to suggest that I might have a way out, a mediating idea, a solution. Her perception is that the highly impassioned periods of her life are overwhelmingly unsolvable and generally unique to her, poor thing. A complicating piece of the puzzle of these periods of high turmoil is her certainty that the problems of her life are far too large to handle in the usual way and that her emotions are too large to contain.

This four-part series will explore and attempt to explain this temperament type. Take my word for it, if you know a challenging someone or if you yourself have a challenging temperament, you will want to stick around. In the meantime, please stop using the word whiner!

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Join me next time when I talk a bit more about what it means to be Challenging. In a third blog post I plan on talking about what works if you are a challenging person or if you have a challenging person in your life. And the final post will take it one step further.

Figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.


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You might also enjoy:
Part Two: Some Call Them Whiners, Drawing a Picture
Challenging Teen, Redux
A Letter to the Parents of a "Difficult" Child
My Thirteen Tips for Parenting Your Strong-Willed Teen