Social "Anxiety" is Better Than Social "Panic", Right?

Elizabeth has been deciding to work on her social anxiety and we started today.

She has difficulty talking to strangers ("Especially cute boys") and talking on the phone.  It is fairly common for teens, really.  She's just a bit more anxious than usual.  It doesn't come up that often, but it has been bothering her quite a bit lately.  She has decided that she wants to work on it because she is aware that that social fear keeps her from doing things that she wants to do.

Up to this point she hasn't had any interest in taking an active role in working on it.  Today she and I went out into the world and made a few baby steps toward her goal.
I'm proud of her for choosing to take control of this! 
It's not easy to do and it takes some real self awareness to do this.

We started at the coffee shop where she ordered for me.  She made eye contact with the server, asked for more water, and even asked for special instructions on the order.  It was tough and she found herself getting a bit bunged up at the table.  We sat and talked a bit before the next step.

She was to stand up and do a jig.

No, just kidding.
She was to walk about twenty feet from me in this open air coffee shop and check out the menu of the sushi place next door.  Her fears got to her and it took awhile, but she did it.  The next step was to walk to the door of the sushi place and check inside for the menu to check the price of dim sum.

This was the point where she felt the most fear.  The wonderful people in this family-favorite restaurant always greet us very enthusiastically as we cross the threshold of the door.  She made her way to the doorway, stayed outside of the threshold, and came back with information about pricing.

At this point, she felt very pressured and fearful of making any other forays away from me.  But we decided to try one more thing.  Here in Brisbane, coffee shops have a nice little weekly publication with local information; the flyers are available inside of the shops.  I asked her to go back to the sushi place and get one.  She pointed to the exact papers right here in the coffee shop in which we now sat.  "Nope, " I smiled, "I want one from over there!"

We spent time with thinking and feelings.  The big picture is that up to this time she has resisted working on the thought patterns that bring up the worst of the anxiety in this type of situation and that has made it hard to actually intervene in the process.  But we tried it anyway.  With me in the visible spot, only about twenty feet from the door, she went into the sushi place and brought back the flyer!

She did it! 

We celebrated by going to the grocery store.  Woop tee doo.

While checking out at the grocery she interacted with the checker quite well!  (Of course the checker wasn't the Cute Lachlan!  LOL)  She did it.  She felt great after this...needed a little decompression, but great!

I'm proud of you, Shoosh! 

I'm proud of you for agreeing to THIS too!

An extra special HELLO to my readers

in the Philippines!

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You Must Be SO Patient!

If I've heard it once I've heard it a hundred times.

"I couldn't homeschool my kids, 

You Must Be SO Patient!"

This one is true.  I am patient.

Unless I'm not.

• When I come home and find the dishes in exactly the place they were when I left...well, let's just say that no one was calling me patient that day.
• When it's lesson time and one of the kids asks "Can I just watch the last twenty minutes of this movie?"  I am not, not patient.
• After the 35th time I hear today's most life-affirming song, I'm just a tiny bit less patient...
• Those days when every.  Single.  Thing. is BORING, my patience-o-meter tends a bit toward the left.
• For that play-by-play of the last ten hours of Minecraft, I have to admit to a bit of mind wander...
• When basic things like tooth brushing and putting away one's own things aren't happening,  I might not be the paragon you imagine me to be.
• Do I really have to ask you to flush?
• When the 'whose night is it to do dishes?' conversation starts, my eyes might roll back in my head.
• When the sibling rivalry thing takes residence in the hall, my patience might be a bit thin.
• When one or the other child pulls out the microscope and begins to weigh life, looking for  unfairness, for they are certain to find it, I don't mind admitting that my patience can only take so much of that one.
• Please get off of the screen.
• When they are tired and bored all day and revved up all night.
• ...you get it.

So, am I patient?  Sure.  I can be.  But I am no more patient than any other parent out there. I have my moments.  The difference for a homeschooling parents is that you are with your children more often and more intensely.  But that's usually a good thing!

So, if you fear homeschooling for that "You are so patient" fear, rest assured, I have no special super powers that you don't also possess. 

The only super power you really need:  LOVE.

Have you heard this one?
What do you usually say?
Do you think that, somehow, it's kind of embarrassing?

 ................................................................

This post is in Loving Memory of
The Gentle Warrior,

Rosie 

Who lost her battle with Post-transplant CF today.
Beloved sister of my dear friend Bridget

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Secular Homeschooling Materials

This is the blog post I have put off writing for a long time now.

EVERY secular homeschooler and family homeschooling secularly spend HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS online desperately looking for secular homeschooling materials.  And you know I'm not even overstating it.  It's a desert out there.  Locating secular materials  is like looking for atheists among homeschoolers.  (yuk yuk yuk)

There is so little for secular homeschoolers that many families have given Christian curriculum a try.  I have actually seen blog posts on how to evade the Christian part of Christian materials.  THAT'S how desperate we can be.

Why have I put this blog post about secular homeschooling materials off for so long?  Because many years ago I gave up on curriculum in total.  When I am looking for leveled material, I go straight for textbooks.

Unpopular, I know.

I have used the Saxons.  The Singapore.  Easy Grammar.  Spectrum, Learning Language Arts Through Literature, Math U See.  Modern Curriculum Press.  R.E.A.L. Science.  Teaching Textbooks, and lots lots more.  (I haven't used them in quite a while, but I have used them.)

Maybe five years or so ago I just gave up.  None of these fit well.  Either they were utterly and completely boring, dreadfully lean, limited in scope or material, freakishly expensive, gimmicky, or a combination of several of these.  I started creating all of my own materials for the kids, in spite of the fact that I OWNED a homeschool supply store!  

While having the store I dreaded the question "What do you use?"  Because I am nothing if not honest.  "Textbooks,"  I would say.  ...then they would look at me funny, but my business acumen is fodder for another blog post...  My point is, I couldn't really recommend any of the materials that are generally out there offering themselves to homeschoolers.  You know...all of those materials in the Rainbow Resources catalog...

Instead, I recommend sticking with good, old-fashioned textbooks.  Not flashy, not cool, not as much fun to debate around the table of a group of homeschool moms.  But reliable.  Solid.  Full of good stuff.  Well-organized.  Expansive content.  Current and up-to-date.  Available.

Look for Houghton-Mifflin, Glencoe McGraw-Hill, Pearson Prentiss Hall, McDougal Littell, MacMillan, Steck-Vaughn, Harcourt, Holt and Winston, or any combination of these publisher names.  I'm sure that there are other large textbook publishers, but these are tried-and-true, completely secular, generally readable, and no gimmicks.  Learn stuff.  Get the teacher guides if and when you need them.  Expect to pay anywhere from a few bucks for a tattered copy to higher prices for pristine copies.  But you will get good, quality material without fear of a board somewhere trying to decide if evolution should be taught in the textbook. 

Also, a quick shout out to my readers in Iran!

Welcome!

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Response to a Friend

This pic is Elizabeth, age 6.  Happy 16th, Baby!

Just know that it's all fine.
Mom apologized and, well, there's more, but I just think I'll move along...
Thanks to the sordid mess with Mom this week I have had an exhausting week.  But I have also had some of the nicest conversations with strangers and friends that you can imagine! I send my sincere THANKS to every single person who tipped a hat, sent me a hug, or contacted me in some way to let me know that you are thinking about me.  I have been so moved by the kindness coming my way!
And so, LUCKY YOU, in case you aren't emotionally wrung out enough, I figure you deserve to know how it all ended. Unfortunately, I'm DONE with it. (as in "stick a fork in me, I'm done..") One day I'll come back and tell you more if you like, but I don't have it in me right now...

That Hideous Dance Between Faith and Critical Thinking

As a kid, I remember once asking Dad what the difference between "religion" and "cult" was.  "Dad, why do we call 'theirs' cult and 'ours' religion?"  I remember his stumped response speaking volumes.  This question came at about the time of the People's Temple Jonestown deaths down in Guyana, South America.  It was so shocking.  In the end, Dad said, "It has something to do with the number of people in the group."

In retrospect I can see that that was a great answer and I'm glad that that is the one he came up with because it gave me food for thought about how greater "truth" had something to do with how many people believed it.  I'm sure that that was not his intended lesson, but that is the one that I got.

Do you have a religion? 
OK.  Fine by me.

If you notice, I do not disrespect a belief system or a person for having one.  This isn't just an oversight.  I simply don't think that way or operate that way in life.  I live my life to embrace all people.  But that does not prevent me from finding some basic realities of any religion to be full of confusion, in need of consideration, and even worth rejection.

What upsets me about many religious beliefs is the "Us vs Them" way of thinking.  In fact, I can't avoid sounding "Us vs. Them" as I write about this.  I am very disturbed by the de facto divisive nature of religions that claim to be all about a loving god but, in the end, create huge rifts between believers and those do not believe.  (Believe me, it is not me who is avoiding/rejecting/pushing away my mother.  It is her fear of losing out on the paradise of the afterlife...)  I'm not even angry at the people who embrace their faith to find comfort.  I understand their fears.  I am angry at the institution of religion for causing such discomfiture and distress in the well-meaning, desperate hearts of fellow human beings.

Being human brings about the very human experience of existential angst,  of distressing over the basic questions of existence and purpose.  I am certain that the majority of thinking people on earth must come to grips with their own mortality at some point.  My own children each have already had those moments of awareness of death and its finality and how difficult that is to consider and I'm sure they will face those questions again and again in life. 

We have had many extensive conversations and questions about how hard it is to accept the fact that our lives exist, that our individual lives are so very complex, that our brains are as amazing as they are, and that, then, we die.  I clearly recall struggling to understand how that reality effected my life and my 'self'.  It all seems pointless at times.  No wonder people embrace supernatural belief systems to chase away the reality of our own mortality.

But the kids and I have learned that living this life gives our lives tremendous meaning and joy!  We have learned to embrace this moment.  To love the people we love.  To apologize.  To make good.  To do good.  To try new things.  To open ourselves up to experiences.  To take care of ourselves and to do healthy things.  And most importantly, to feel JOY at every possible moment.

I am going to offer my view on things, a view that might surprise you.  I notice that people who embrace an afterlife are, in fact, not comforted by it.  Just the opposite, really.  Now, not only are they hopeful of that eternity, they are also mortally fearful of losing it.  Overwhelmed with the possibility of being in heaven without other loved ones.  Petrified to their bones of missing out on this eternity. 

Tell me that you notice how that invention to remove the angst just amped the angst up infinitely?

But back to my point!  This religion that sought to bring comfort actually tears people from one another.  What if you, in your golden dream of religion, discover that your loved one does not share your belief.  Do you allow live-and-let-live freedom?  Probably not.  Instead you fear and fret and feel apart from them.  Read that again.  You feel extreme fear in your heart that your loved one who does not embrace your belief system.  You, in your sincere desire to feel peace and to find comfort, worry that the people that you love that do not share your belief system are going to be punished, eternally.  And, when these beloved people live a life apart from your belief system, you actually distance yourself from them in a hideous dance between faith and critical thinking that can bring such wrenching fear into the heart of a believer.
Comforted yet?

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Whatever Made You the Way You Are?

This is the meme that Mom was upset about

Tonight I have unwisely become embroiled in an email/FB conversation with my mom about atheism.  Apparently she saw an atheist meme on Facebook and started trying to take some of the commenters down with her supposed Christian wisdom.
(Her comments were, unfortunately, poorly articulated, badly spelled, unformatted, as you will see below.  And we all know that that gives her message the kiss of death on any board anyway.)

She had gotten to the meme by following the FB feed on the right side when I had clicked "like", having found it ironically funny.  Apparently she then read through some of the other joke memes there and got all upset.

Eventually, all while I am out of the house and reading on my cell phone, and after looooooooong posts in which I was UBER kind and loving to her, as I am because I love her tremendously, she kept acting as if she was talking to a snarky, rude person, and she replied with this:

(Realize that this is after lots of talking and I am not going to repost the entire thing, 

just know that I am respectful and loving to her at all times as well as being quite empathic

 about her supposed epiphany that atheists to not believe in her god.)

Well Kay, I guess I am kind of innocent with what I think you are telling me about your beliefs. Very much crying yes, but that will stop too, just as my sadness for you and your ways will whatever made you the way you are? I do not know, I still love you very much. Yell, I cannot believe you could be as cruel to me as you say your one sister is. I guess this pretty much changes your mind about my visiting you ever, because my belief will nit change your way EVER . What a time for me to see just how much I do not know you at all. Everything you have ever done for me and all the beautiful pic you sent me, will seem like they came from someone I do not even know. I never went this deep into your private world before and it is as you say very sad and making me cry. I guess yes, 
I thought you were being snarky (whatever that means to you). 
Yes, I see you wasn't. Good by.

Good bye?

GOOD BYE?

What the hell?

Of course I have tried getting ahold of her in a variety of ways, but to no avail...

I am sharing this because I simply cannot understand a religion that creates such fear and distress in it's followers.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are looking for more posts like this you can read these:

Honestly, I don't have anything else like this.

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THEN, just moments ago, I received this message from a friend on Facebook:

Karen,
Somehow I ended up on the site where you and your Mom were having a discussion. I just wanted to let you know that I commend you for being so kind to your Mom. Unfortunately she's not going to listen while she's only thinking from an emotional state. She's missing out on the fact of what wonderful daughter she has. Even though you and I have differences and some similarities in our belief system, I have found you to be open and honest on who you are and what you believe but have never pushed or forced your ideas on others.
Not sure where I'm going with this, just wanted to let you know how great I think you are! 
Janet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Addendum, the next day:

I need to THANK the people who have contacted me on this blog, on FB, and personally.  There are many wonderful people with empathy for the pain of others and I feel like this experience has reinforced my appreciation of the human race.

I have been contacted by perfect strangers who saw the meme and reached out to me in sincere compassion and empathy.
I truly do believe in the goodness of people.

Homeschool "How To" Books

YIKES

We are not reading Beowolf as a family.

We haven't built a rain chamber.

We have not compared and contrasted Shakespeare and Marlowe.

Our garden is less Organic and more Overgrown.

The kids haven't participated in a spelling bee.

And do not raise bees.  Or chickens.

We haven't made our own soap.

Nor have we dissected an animal.

We don't even know what the classical term  narration means...

Neither of them plays either violin or accordion.

They have not memorized Tennyson's The Lady Shalott. or Ozymandias by Shelley.

Although we have learned some Greek and Latin roots, no one is ready to hold a conversation with Marcus Aurelius.

The kids did not start learning a second (or third) language in kindergarden. 

We don't own a saw mill.

I haven't read any How to Homeschool-type books in well over a decade, but the last time I did was the last time I did!  Back in the early days of our homeschooling I was so nervous (Nope, no nervousness left here... *cough*) that I read every book that our extensive library system carried.  And I paid the price for it. 

The books I read back then were generally books that would show you how to introduce your child to a rather high-brow Classical homeschool experience.  I would read a book, cry.  Read another, lay trembling in the darkness.  Read another one, whimper.

My husband would walk into the darkened room, see me shake, and say "Have you been reading Susan Wise Bauer again, Sweetheart?"

These days I have seen some way more supportive and realistic "how to" homeschool books out there on the bookstore sites. 

But I won't be reading them....too scared...

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Shooshy

Yes, her name is Elizabeth.
My nickname for her is Shooshy.

Being Mother to my daughter has changed me so much and I have learned so much!  Seriously!  Stuff I had no idea I needed to know...

When the kids were smaller, nearly all of my friends had children their ages.  In fact a huge percentage of my friends had kids the same age and gender of my own kids.  Older daughter, son three and a half years younger.  And almost without fail, the mothers of the daughters were struggling with their daughters.

I don't mind admitting it now:  we would all get together and talk about how weird it was that our younger sons were so easy and our older daughters were so hard.  We would share our frustrations with that frisson that we all seemed to experience with our older daughters:  fireworks just below the surface, a difficulty with feeling really close to them at times, and a confusion with why we felt that way.  Back then it seemed uncanny how similar the dynamics of our families were.  Now I know that our dynamics were all totally normal.  I mean, is it really surprising that strong women would have strong daughters?!

My daughter is apologetically herself.  And no wonder that freaked me out, I was such a sweet girl when I was younger.  And I don't mean that in a good way.  I mean that in a wishy-washy kind of way.  In the way where people took advantage of me, walked around me, ignored me...  And that simply will not happen to my daughter; she wouldn't allow it!  Add to that the fact that I was essentially motherless for all of my teen years and it might explain why I am sometimes confused as to what to do with her, with how best to parent her.

Being her mother has taught me to appreciate the determination of a child who will not do what she does not want to do.  It has taught me that anger and rudeness are sometimes hiding a confused and hurt person.  It has taught me that a mother's loving touch is a truly healing thing.  It has reinforced what I already know:  learning to use one's words is a journey toward good emotional health and a sense of personal power.  I now know that one action can have an equal and surprising reaction.  I can never give her too many kind words or too much love or too many positive messages.  She struggles enough inside that she can often use help finding her way out of an internal morass of her own making. 

I now know that it is a truly loving thing to set limits and to enforce them - because she told me!  I now know that remembering to apologize for the times when I jump to conclusions or when I make other mistakes deeply strengthens her.  All of the "professionals" out there telling me to avoid being her friend were very very wrong.  In fact, all of the rules of the so-called experts out there do not trump my own instinct.  Our relationship takes deliberate work.  Being her parent has taught me that when she yells "I hate this family" she needs tender loving care and not a reactive display of hurt or anger.

I have learned that I have reserves of patience that even surprise me sometimes!  I have learned that she is still surprised to tears when she finds out that I truly like her.  I have learned that second-hand shops have both the best and the worst clothing.  I've learned that both of my kids will still stop almost any other activity to sit on the bed and talk.  I have learned that those very moments that I want to send her to her room are the very moments I have to stick it out and help her through the feelings, because the last thing she needs at that point is to stew in her own tangles.  

I have learned that I can trust her completely to tell me the truth because I have respected her honesty in the past.  I have learned that I can lose her trust, especially where her friendships are concerned.  Because her friendships are her lifeline.  I have learned that almost everything is negotiable.  I have learned to include both of the kids in our major discussions and decisions.  I have also learned that the more often I give choices instead of orders the better she reacts to the times when I must give a nonnegotiable expectation.  

I have learned that chocolate really does soothe the savage beast.

I have learned to give wide latitude with clothing, behavior, hair, and other issues of appearance.  I have learned that my mistakes may be larger now, but her heart is larger too.  I have learned that time is a wonderful smoother of rough edges.  I have learned how lucky I am to have this child!  I have learned that, when blogging about my daughter, to always get her approval first!  

And I have learned that daughters really do grow up to be friends.

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John Read my Blog

Last night John and I were sitting together showing each other things on the internet that crack us up.  He asked to look at my blog.  We looked and read for about half of an hour or so before he started tearing up, then crying.

"Mom...it's just so beautiful...the things you say...the kind of person you are...I am loving you so much right now, Mom..."

And that made it all worthwhile...

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Just Sitting Here, Listening

Suttons Park, Redcliffe QLD

John taught the kids how to play Ninja

In case you have forgotten, we are American homeschoolers from the Midwest living in Brisbane Australia for a year.  I was born and raised in Illinois.  Illinois is known as The Prairie State.  As an Illinoian, I am used to extremes in temperatures through the seasons, living in the center of a huge continent, flat flat flat land, dusty roads, manmade lakes, suburbia, homogenous populations, and huge skies from the lack of having any discernible horizon.  I didn't see an ocean until I was in my twenties.  I grew up with fairly dark skies with the Milky Way front and center in the summer sky.  Over the years we have lost that dark sky, but I remember it fondly.  And I am used to a view that starts waaaay over there at that dusky flat line and continues waaaay over there to that other dusky flat line.

Here in Brisbane, I am living on the edge of a different huge continent!  I live three minutes from the Brisbane River, ten minutes from Moreton Bay, less than half an hour from mountains, and forty minutes to the ocean!  For me, living on the topography of this city is like having a surprise party every day.  Who knows when I will drive over the crest of a road and come face-to-face with a truly amazing view of the city or the bay or a mountain!  In fact, driving out of our subdivision we hit the crest of the road and see the CBD in all if its lighted-up glory right there a minute and a half away down the road.

Redcliffe Peninsula Map

My enthusiasm is a bit silly at times, I think, and I wonder when I will stop feeling like a kid in a lolly shop...  

Using the expression from one Brissie-Area friend, I've already been here for a donkey's age!

On Wednesdays John and I have been going up to the Redcliffe Peninsula for a park day at Suttons Beach with a fair-sized group of homeschooling families.  Suttons Beach is a gorgeous spot half way up the Redcliffe Peninsula, a beach in the middle of several miles of beach.  I'm pretty sure I have posted pics from this beach before, but I have a few more today that are pretty adorable.

America likes to call itself The Great Melting Pot, but I must beg to differ.  In our short time here in Brisbane I have noticed that Brisbane is a city full of diversity.  There are significant populations of people from Singapore and all of Malaysia, Japan, China, Cambodia, Thailand, Fiji, New Zealand and much of Oceania, Korea, India, Pakistan, South Africa, Holland, Scandinavia, England, Germany, Greece..  Large groups of people who seem to truly live together in peace and equality.  Our little play group is a little microcosm of this reality.

The beach yesterday was quite chilly and breezy.  Kids were dressed in everything from flip-flops or thongs to woolies, coats, and hats! John and I started out having lunch at a little sushi place that has a model train pulling cars behind it with food choices.  Patrons can select off of the cars what they want to eat.  John had his favorite:  salmon and avo.

The Sushi Train

The scavenging Ibis

That last pic is a failed attempt at forced perspective.  Oh well, we tried.
Then on to Suttons Beach.
It started out quite sunny but was quickly lost to overcast and cooling winds.
We love Suttons Beach, we love Brisbane.

Lucy, The Climber

LOTS of adorable little ones, and Max on the ground

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