Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Excerpts from Posts I Will Never Write


The truth is, I try hard to keep myself positive and to avoid posting things that tell any of my so-called negative opinions. Words are powerful things and using them is a real responsibility. In my life and in my writing I make it a priority to write as precisely as possible. Sure, yes, make misteaks, lol, but I do make the effort.

I have a serious reason for this. With kids, I'm super aware of offering my opinion on things because when I express them, BOOM, suddenly my kids either share my opinion exactly or choose to hold opinions exactly opposite from mine. lol  In other words, I keep my opinions to myself because it allows others more freedom to have their own opinions. 


HOWEVER, I have written a few blog posts that I chose to never post. Let's call this blog post: Three Truths and a Lie

You decide which of these excerpts are truly from my fifty-odd unpublished posts, never to be published! and which are just silly stuff I'm putting here to trip you up.  lol


1. From a post called Working Title:
...I like people... and I want them to know me before they judge me on my religion.

When you can't take a joke about religion, I'm disgusted. When someone takes their religion so seriously it makes me annoyed. I don't want to hear about your religious mass or anything.
It disgusts me.
I hate feeling like that but it horrifies me that someone could think so mindlessly. I find it hard to be friends with someone like that. 
I feel bad because people aren't judging me for atheist, but I'm judging them. People respect my atheism and I find it really hard to respect their religion. ...I roll my eyes.

I have lost friends before when I told people I was an atheist and these two girls in my class stopped talking to me. That couldn't stand that I was pro-choice and not a Republican.
2. From a post called I Don't Want to Know
I don't want to know! Whatever evidence you bring, I will never stop believing.

I don't go looking for these conversations; they find me. Recently I was lassoed into a conversation about being an atheist and the other person told me I don't want to know! 
Whatever evidence you bring, I will never stop believing. They actually said that and I didn't know how to respond to it. A statement like that is, effectively, a conversation stopper.

But even more, it's a thought stopper. The decision to always believe, in spite of evidence, is easier for some, I guess.

3. And from a post called You Deserved It
...It's about rudeness.And kindness.
But I didn't tell her and she taught that lesson with that thing hanging out of her nose.
I didn't even tell her later.
And I'm not sorry.

I'm generally the person who tells you that you have spinach on your teeth or smooshed lipstick. I think that I'd like it if you told me, right? But last night I let this woman teach with a hanger.

4. And from Rainbow Brainwash:
...Hate is taught!! It's not something you are born with. My kids don't look at the world through a filter of judgment and it's not because I've brainwashed them with the rainbow (someone actually said that to me this week). It's because the hearts they were born with have been protected. They were born into this world loving unconditionally and have been allowed to continue that way. Guard all the love that your children came here to share. Don't let this fucked up world take it from them.


OK, so that's the challenge.
In the comments, you make a guess about which of the above non-published blog posts is the lie, I never wrote it. Totally fake.
And, for the others, I hope you will forgive me. 



*  Be back in a week with the answer.
      No guesses?
      Oh well, the answer was #3, the only truth.  😊


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Jesus, the Teen Years

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Friday, April 5, 2019

Jesus, the Teen Years


The printed Christian Bible doesn't say much about Jesus for the majority of his life. The years from 12-29, seventeen of his thirty-three years, are not mentioned in the Christian New Testament with the exception of some minor bits about "is this not the carpenter's son", suggesting that he worked as a carpenter for those years, or that bit in Luke saying that Jesus advanced in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and Men...kind of vague, that. These are known in Christian circles as The Unknown Years.

Some scholars suggest that the age of thirteen being the age of bar mitzvah and the age of thirty being the age of readiness for the priesthood suggest that those years are of little significance. Assuming Jesus worked as a carpenter, or tekton in Greek. (ALL OF THIS conjecture is based on the idea that Jesus was a real person, a paradigm that I actually do not ascribe to...) Some scholars argue that Jesus was busy in these Unknown Years ministering and studying with the Essenes, a Jewish sect spread out throughout Roman Judaea, a sect dedicated to poverty and asceticism. Some writings that are not Christian canon do offer some glimpses as to what may have been going on during these Lost Years, but the materials are not counted among accepted doctrine.


While I see this huge gap as a bit of an issue with the plausibility of the entire New Testament (Many Christians say: We don't really believe in the OLD Testament!), I do think it is possible to recreate some credible days of the teenage Jesus. 



Here are some possible scenarios:
  • In the calendar year of young Jesus’s thirteenth birthday, on or around May the 7th, Jesus had become a fair yoke maker and worked well with both leather as well as with wood. Apprenticing with Joseph, he was also developing carpentry and cabinetmaking skills. In that thirteenth summer he made frequent trips to the top of the hill to the northwest of Nazareth for prayer, meditation, and emotional/spiritual release. Once release was accomplished, he would meditate on the more- and more-revealed nature of his ordained place on earth.

    Jesus would brood on that hilltop of his parents, who would attempt to dictate the course of his thinking or to establish good work ethic on earth. Jesus, though, knew that he was above these earthly pursuits and meditated on the need to get to his father in Heaven's business.


    First, though, the need to release emotionally/spiritually again, as he was alone and within sight of no one and he had spied LaShonda, his teenage neighbor, earlier that morning.


    Back at home, his mother Mary was puzzled but Joseph comforted her in explaining that boys of this age need private time. Mary, though set to work with energy to mold her son’s thoughts to familial duty. Even Jesus’s uncle could not prepare Mary’s understanding for the needs of thirteen year old Jesus and she set to the task for creating a schedule for Jesus’s days so he would not disappear onto the mount or into the shower for hours.
    .
  •  Early one morning, the first Monday of April, Jesus and his mates decided to skip out on their fathers' apprenticeships and decided to go out and explore the countryside outside of Nazareth, namely the far grape orchards. The boys walked a long time on the dusty road while Jesus's mind, as usual, was occupied with deep sorrow and confusion about the upcoming trials of his life. He and his friends sat in the shadow of the vines and began discussing the great events of their lives.

    Aaron, not that one, told of many days of toiling in the kitchen for his mother when, really, he wanted to study with the great stone builders of the land. But his mother didn't understand.


    Then Rafiq told of the conflict with his siblings and how his parents never believed him when he said he didn't start these conflicts with unflattering comments about his siblings' wit and wisdom.
    His parents didn't believe him or understand.

    John Michael retold an old story, heavy on his mind, of his father working him in the dusty fields from dawn until dusk when all John Michael really wanted w
    as to spend a few minutes with his beloved, Sarah, not that one. No one seemed to understand.

    Jesus sighed deeply and began telling his tales of the upcoming trials and tribulations he would be expected to carry out for his father in Heaven. His mates, having heard these disquieting fortunes to come many times, masqueraded sleep as Jesus went on and on about what was expected of him. As the hottest part of the day came upon them, Jesus's mates, fatigued with the much-told stories of Jesus, allowed Jesus to fall into a deep sleep.


    As he slept, his mates grabbed some grapes and headed back to Nazareth to hang out in the village square with the young women gathering water in their jugs.

    .
  • One day during Jesus’s fourteenth year, it was late in June, he and his mates sat in the temple listening and learning at all that was said by the preachers and teachers of the day. All the day through, those who listened marveled at these questions, and none was more astonished than Aaron. For more than an hour Aaron youth plied these Jewish teachers with thought-provoking, confounding, and heart-searching questions. By the deft and subtle phrasing of a question he would at one and the same time challenge their teaching and, with tiresome jocosity, suggest his own.

    In the manner of his asking a question there was an appealing combination of buffoonery and wit which endeared him even to those who more or less resented his youthfulness. On this eventful afternoon in the temple, Aaron exhibited that same farcical face to these morose ministers, two of whom swept he and his mates from the temple as the boys enjoyed the mirth of the moment.


    When their day in temple was over, Aaron, Jesus, and their mates, wended their way back to Nazareth. For most of the distance the boys engaged in clownish antics. Jesus paused on the brow of the mount. As he viewed the city spread before him and its temple, he did not weep; he only bowed his head in silent devotion. Again his mates left him on the mount and went to town to talk to the maidens at the well.
    .
  • Jesus had a feeling that all of this slaughtering did not please his father in Heaven, and, as the years passed, his father became more and more desirous of a bloodless Passover. During Jesus's fifteenth year, as the Passover celebration in Nazareth, he began to take himself off to himself, profoundly thinking about the Passover custom of the sacrificial lamb. In his confusion, Jesus's parents were concerned over their son's troubled mind and spirit. They attempted to raise his spirits with witty conversation, through consumption of the fruits of the vine, and through the cunning use of puns. All to no avail; Jesus continued acting strangely throughout the Passover celebration. They were delighted when Passover, er, passed and they made the long, tiring trip back to their home in Nazareth. Mary sighed much during this travel.

    Day by day, Jesus continued to think through the complexities of his problem, of the cultural norms, and how resistant most of the host of people are to change. He frequently reminded his earthly mother that she was interfering with his father's business. Mary was deeply pained by his words and Joseph, again, supported her and reminded her that boys of this age need space, for, lo, they are not fit for human contact.


    Eventually, after having wine, bread, and cheese with his uncles, Jesus realized that most people are quite satisfied with foods of this sort and an idea began to ferment in his mind...
    .
  • In early January of Jesus's 22nd year, as he was considered a robust and foremost young man in Nazareth, the young women highly regarded him, though his family was lower in social standing due to their poverty and unskilled labor. Jesus's spiritual leadership was often ignored by the young women because they highly esteemed his intellect and carpenter's biceps.

    Thus, it was not surprising when a wealthy merchant, Mechel, discovered his daughter Talia confiding her affection for Jesus to her sister Ilana. Mechel forbade Talia from going to the wells around Nazareth without being accompanied by her sister Ilana or her brother Uriel.

    When Mary heard of the rumors of Talia's crush, Mary was overheard to expound Would troubles never cease?!

    To this point, Jesus had not made a preferential move to choose between close relationships with men and women; his mind was far too occupied with brooding about his father in Heaven's plans for him to make much distinction between the genders. Though, upon learning of Talia's constant stalking and talking, Jesus knew he must explain to her that he was not free to enter into a dedicated relationship at that point in his life.

    By February the talk was all over town that Jesus had spurned the wealthy Mechel's daughter. Jesus was abashed and managed to take tea with Talia in the town square while her brothers accompanied them. Carrying sticks.

    Before long Talia tired of Jesus's brooding and constant talk of a higher purpose and became more interested in Jesus's brother James.
    Day by day his youthful mind was still swarming with perplexities and beset by a host of unanswered questions and unsolved problems.


Just goofing around...
I thought my son John was going to write me some bits like this
but he never did and the idea was funny to me.
I know he would have made you laugh.  😉


* The kernel of some ideas come from here.

I probably shouldn't have posted this one. 
😊

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Genetic Testing - 23 & Me

Friday, March 29, 2019

What Makes You Laugh?


I'm in a writing group with a couple of friends, one where we give each other prompts and then write for a certain length of time...
Anyway, about two years ago, I was given the prompt Write What Makes You Laugh and Why is That Funny to You. I recently discovered these three pages of loose writing stuff in a pile of junk on a kitchen shelf as I was spring cleaning, pages where I answer this question. 

I LOVE that I write because I truly have a terrible memory and I forget some of the best stuff. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote to that prompt and I do hope you find it as wonderful as I do:


My husband makes me laugh.

There is a bag of Reece's Peanut Butter Cups in my kitchen and I'm powerless to them. I asked my daughter to hide them from me and, yet, I saw them immediately. (I wasn't even looking for them!) So I asked John to hide them and I found them in a thing that I used almost daily - though he doesn't use it at all, so it didn't occur to him. I asked my husband to hide the bag.

The next day I find the bag! Holding it and going into the living room, I'm exclaiming
LOL You guys suck at hiding these things! and I tell the story of finding the candy and everyone is laughing.

I say,
And Jer! You hid it in the easiest spot yet!
He shrugs, smiles, and continues what he was doing.
I sit down to read and to eat my Reeces's. When I open the bag I discover that he has replaced the candy with a small bag of rice!

Me makes me laugh at myself.
He helps me to see my own ridiculousness.

I left that bag on the end table in the living room and I laugh out loud -- for real -- every time I see it.

Honestly, his humor is like love to me. His face in mirth is beautiful and makes me entire body feel full of love and laughter.
 What Makes You Laugh?
Why?


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Thursday, March 28, 2019

Hope Never Dies by Andrew Shaffer


Just read it.
Hope Never Dies: An Obama-Biden Mystery. It's hilarious, easy, cheap, liberal-loving, and available at your local library.


This book was a gift from a dear friend, Ronnie, who knows that I feel strongly about President Barack Obama. He gave it to me for my birthday, but my book stack was too tall to get to quickly. It's been sitting here mocking me for months. 

I finally read it.

Long story short, it's a total bromance, crime-fighting, time-passing trip inside of Joe Biden's mind. Can you imagine this crime-fighting duo? Can you picture a comical Joe Biden knocking over the coffee while his sidekick, Barack lifts an eyebrow and says Really Joe? Really?

In some ways, I would rather be in Barack Obama's head, with Barack as the main voice. But I can't even imagine that! Barack's too smooth, too cool, too suave to let us know what's running through his mind. But Joe Biden? He's every man. He's average.


...Hey, he's running for president this time, isn't he?


Without giving a summary of the story, just know that the story is solid. But even better, the comedy had me literally LOLing for most of the book. One time my husband even came into the room where I was reading and asked WHAT are you doing???  I flapped the book at him and he said I want it next.

Let's just say this, if you long to see President Obama taking down a lowlife scum of a dude, you'll want to read this book. If you want to visit the shady side of town with the white bread Joe Biden narrating the whole time, you want to read this book. (Imagine a white old man as Stephanie Plum...) And if you have a fondness for dudes caring about each other with sarcasm, dirty looks, and hilarious bromance tête-à-tête, Girrrrrrl, you want to read this book.

I just discovered that Andrew Shaffer put out a second book in this series and I'll get myself out to get it, because I'm giving this fun read six stars, only six because it's not a serious piece of literature.
😆







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Things I Don't Give a FUCK About in 2018

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