A Letter to Elizabeth in Korea

Dear Elizabeth:

On the other side of the planet, you are spreading your wings, stepping out, dancing in the sun, and exploring what you can do on your own. It's been incredibly surreal that I, a little girl from a small town, a girl from a very racist family, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks, have a daughter in KOREA, making meaning in her life! It's weird to think about how far your generation has moved from the generation before me!

This trip to Korea, I sincerely hope, is life-enriching and goal-creating for you. You have many secret dreams and wishes for your life and I hope that this brief trip to the literal other side of the planet, ON YOUR OWN, shows you your ability to rise above the difficulties and shows you your ability to absolutely shine in your own skin. With some time to ease into the summer, you have learned resilience and commitment in these first few weeks, Elizabeth, and it has been a real honor to be your mother, your life line, as you learn these things about yourself.

You have extended your hand again and again until some people finally had the courage to extend their hands back. I hope you notice that they were there all along, just unwilling or unable to take that courageous step as quickly as you could. Humans are difficult things to understand and to live with. But SOOoo worth it.
😉

And, Dear Korea, you small far-off country of large culture:

Look out, Dude, Elizabeth is COMING!!!!!!

With love, Mom

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Love and Pride for Elizabeth and John

Know what?

I'm freaking EXPLODING with joy and pride right now. 

My daughter is studying media and has several "on the radio" spots that she does in various places around town. Today she took her brother, my son, to one of the radio stations to record her spot. While there the station admin asked my daughter to record a few other spots while she was there.

She gestured to her brother and said "My brother is doing some voice acting; wanna give him a try?" (Because he has been looking into voice acting opportunities online and has LANDED some cool voice roles!)

So, at this very moment, my son is recording some spots for the station.

Not only did my daughter generously offer this time and opportunity to her brother, she, herself, is beaming with pride for him.

I'm freaking overwhelmed with love and pride at this moment.

ADDITIONALLY, my daughter has made some very complicated arrangements to get herself to SEOUL SOUTH KOREA this summer for an opportunity of international studies. YES, she has checked in to it, completed all requirements, and has found ways to fund nearly all of it...herself.

I'm beside myself with pride for this kid!
And for the other kid!

What are you proud of today?

 

Pro-Life on Campus and My Son

One of my favorite times of day is when John gets home from school and he tells me about his day. I know. We all love that moment, but this kid is extra interesting because he thinks so much, he observes, and he's pretty darn hilarious. He tells his stories with such energy and I find myself laughing constantly. I love his unique observations. From what happens in the classroom to learning theories to current events to his own response to things, his stories both amuse and impress me.


On Monday the campus had some sort of stump speech by the Right to Lifers. John was nursing the beginnings of a head cold so he was lying in the sun in the quad, giving him an interesting vantage point on the speeches going on. When he joined the audience from a closer range, John told himself I don't know much about this; I'm going to really pay attention and learn something.  He observed the rhetoric and the barbaric tools the RtoLers showed their audience and he was quite shocked by what they were claiming. He was upset and bothered by the things that they claimed about abortion and he felt the need to educate himself on the issue.

He went back to his little place in the grass and started researching the claims that were being made as well as information essential to understanding the divide in points of view regarding abortion. As you can imagine, his research revealed quite a different reality that what the speakers were saying. He continued his reading on into the day and later that night.

TEN MINUTES, he said, only ten minutes of reading and I was already seeing the significant fallacies in what the speakers were saying, how they were trying to get people emotional and upset instead of informing them.

He told me about a conversation he had that day with three young women at the rally, all of them Right to Lifers. John was confused by their apparent comfort with having the government tell them how they can and cannot operate within their own bodies. He told me that when he say to them It's your body! Why would you want the government tell you what you can and cannot do?  The young women all claimed that they would not change their minds. He was flabbergasted. His word. 


Today he's revealing his growing passion to represent the Choice people. He's been talking about it constantly and doing lots more reading and researching on his own on both sides of the argument in a highly ethical way. He's now kicking around the idea of starting a Pro-Choice group on campus!

My point?
I am so proud of him for his willingness to entertain ideas that appall him, confuse him, that he disagrees with so vehemently. It shows a real sense of integrity to find out for himself, doesn't it? His energy at the moment makes me feel such tremendous love and pride and amazement with the human being that he is... 

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Indoctrination

Can we teach our children 

to recognize indoctrination attempts 

by the religious believers?

I'd love to be able to tell you that, yes, there is a magic bullet, a way to make 100% certain that indoctrination attempts do not reach our children's ears or minds. Alas, there is not. What we do have, however, is time and reason.

Raising children is a journey.
Along the way we will enter Mordor as often as we enter Narnia; it's not really possible to avoid all detours and I'm not sure it's necessary. I can recall dozens of times when the issue of religion raised its alluring head to my children, times when they felt attraction to the tales and saccharine of various beliefs. As a freethought parent, a true skeptic, parts of me wanted to hide the kids in caves until it was over. But we all know that that isn't possible, nor is it preferable. 

If there are going to be mind games being played, and there are, we want to be in the forefront of defense. And, delightfully, that isn't all that hard to do. No, we can't compete with cute zucchini singing songs or other magical allurements.  But there isn't really the need to. Because we have reality on our side.

Learning about the reality of the planet on which we live is enough.

Our children will go through the normal stages of childhood, including those years of truly wanting to believe in magic. I remember my daughter, one time, sending me to the library to pick up books on how to do magic. When I brought home a nice selection of books on magic tricks she said No, Momma, not tricks, real magic!  Of course, I had to take her to the library and show her that there are no such books and I had to explain why. Because magic isn't really real. 😢  I agree that it would be fun if it was real, but, alas, it is not. 
That is why we pretend.  😃 


Sadly and surely, there will be concerted efforts by someone  to indoctrinate your child. The Sweet Tiny Baby Jesus story. Noah. Heaven. The Lord who will put you into HELL if you don't believe, etc.* Even with little extra-familial conflict there will be those who attempt to tell these stories to your children behind your back. It is inevitable.

The challenge at those integral moments will be to remain calm.
You will want to do what I did.
Freak out.
Get angry.
Feel like fleeing.
Want to shield your child.
But what I finally realized is this. There is no way around it, there is no healthy way to forbid it or avoid it; the only way is through it. Magical thinking is a completely normal part of our children's cognitive development, which is probably why they are so targeted at such young ages. Our children will learn by exploring the ideas and by rejecting them one by one.

Here's what it looks like when we remain calm: we look at the various weird claims and ask Hmmm, I'm not seeing any sign of that. Let's look it up.  😃
For example, hell and heaven. We looked through telescopes and saw absolutely mindblowing planets and stars and other objects, objects completely amazing and worth knowing more about - but no heaven. We looked deep into the earth. We saw strata and dirt and rock and minerals, more stuff that was interesting to learn more about - but we did not see hell.
Shrug. Hmmmm. Wonder why that is..?

For a fairly long while my children believed in various magical ideas. And I had to allow that.

Why? So that they could figure it out themselves. 
With one caveat, this does not mean being cavalier about allowing the kids to go to VBS with Grandma; that's an entire other story.
 
In the meantime, calmly and fun, we are learning about various bits of scientific reality. The water cycle. Fossils. Dinosaurs. Animal lives. The human body. Weather. Chemistry. The stars. Plants. Fish. Etc. We are learning what is real. Continue to learn more, continue to be curious, continue to explore anything at all that interests you and your children.

And enjoy the journey.

Is this helpful?

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Parents' Weekend

This past weekend I was driving home from across the state. I stopped in Rolla MO in the early afternoon for lunch at Panera. Rolla is a university town, a technology university. Maybe it was Parents' Weekend; maybe most weekends bring the parents, longing for their children because every table in the restaurant was filled with families. A parent or two beaming at a young student or two as the students told their stories. 

The fathers, huge smiles, from ear-to-ear even, fully enjoying the humor of their growing sons. (Most of the students at this school are male.) The fathers' shining eyes watched their boys laughing over the soup and sandwiches.

The mothers? Longing. Wanting to touch. Wanting to sit closer, be nearer. I could feel it in every mother I saw, the longing. Quieter smiles, hands fluttering toward the part in her son's hair, his collar, his shoulder... A short break from her son's empty room, well-made bed, the full refrigerator back home. If only for an afternoon, until it's time to leave...one step at a time, walking back home...without him.


All of the rest of my drive home I thought that soon, one day soon, John will be far away and I will make that drive ...just to touch his hair.

Making Mountains of Molehills: A Hideous Parenting Moment

I'm posting this post again. I first wrote it in 2014.

 I recently had a conversation with a dear, dear friend of mine 

and our conversation brought the idea of this post to mine.
I hope you enjoy it.

I remember a hideous day from years ago when Elizabeth was just a few years old. It was while we were potty-training (Oh geez, she is going to hate it that I posted anything about this time!) and I was just beside myself with wondering what to do. I had no idea what I was doing and I was concerned that I was totally messing things up. She was about four years old, maybe. I know that I had a newborn at the time and he was born when she was three and a half, so yeah, about four years old. 

She just didn't want to stop wearing a the darn disposable. And when I asked her why she told me very simply and practically that she didn't want to stop playing to take the time she needed. It seems like such a small deal now but then I was just a mess about it for some reason.

I have to admit that I owe some of my anxiety from this time to a woman that I was hanging out with, I'll call her Betty. She and I had known each other a bit before having children and our daughters were the same age. I often talked with Betty about what I might do to encourage my daughter to...you know...

WHY I asked Betty for guidance I have no idea. She is one of the most truly neurotic people that I have ever had as a friend. She was a mess.
I wish I hadn't listened to her.

Betty's advice to me was that, each time Elizabeth would not go potty in the potty, she was to get a bath because it was dirty to go potty in her pants. UGH, I cringe just thinking about it.

Well, I only did it one time. There she was, my very beloved daughter, standing in the cold bathtub and I was shaming her with my words for not sitting on the potty; she cried.

Elizabeth doesn't remember it at all while I can't forget it!

While I have generally forgiven myself for what I did, what I still struggle with sometimes is making a mountain out of a mole hill. What things that we are struggling with today will become the mole hills of tomorrow? That's what I want to know. 

I realize now that another other thing that contributed to my behavior then was that I was concerned how my daughter's diaper usage somehow reflected on me and probably how these friends of mine would view me. I can say that now. I wanted to be a Good Mom and I didn't think that a Good Mom would have a daughter that age still in diapers.
So, yes, I did have alot to learn.

Today I know that a Good Mom does not need to explain herself to friends around her, doesn't compare her children with any others, and most importantly, a Good Mom is comfortable with her children as they are, not as someone thinks they should be. She also finds friends who share in her way of thinking rather than wallowing in self-doubt and confusion. 

It was a tough lesson. But I think I learned it.
And it didn't hurt to break up with that shaming friend of mine!!!

 WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD ISN'T ON TIME 

So let's say that your children aren't on time with tasks and skills. Unless a professional tells you different, here is what you need to do:  RELAX.

Few teenagers walk around wearing diapers. Few teenagers still suck their thumbs. Most teenagers can walk, read, talk to people, eat their veggies, tie their shoes, say their Rs right, kick a ball, and all of the many things that you, that WE, worry about. 

RELAX. It isn't a race. 

RELAX. The only thing that truly reflects on you is your happy child, sitting or standing, pierced or not, speaking in public or not, listening to inappropriate music or not, wearing inappropriate clothing or not, getting great grades or not, sexually active or not, giving into peer pressure or not, making immature choices or not.

All you can do is give them the tools to build their own mountains and, in the end, they usually do that:  build their own unique mountains.

Can You Relate?

I know you get it that this post does not speak to serious or dangerous practices.

 

Transitions

So many of my friends are sending kids away to school this week. Many of the kids that Elizabeth and John have grown up with are heading out on their own journeys. Some on road trips, some to jobs, some to colleges... Many transitions all over the place going on...and I'm feeling it too.

Elizabeth has been in college for about three years, off and on, and John is starting full-time college in about a week. Yes, he has been taking a class or two here and there at the community college, but we've been homeschooling too. This week starts my first official week as a non-homeschooling parent.

Enter my own issue: empty nest.
I'm feeling it.
I feel on the verge of tears often, though I haven't mentioned it to anyone (except for the dental assistant yesterday...lol). My last baby is growing up. 
He is...growing up...

The boy who wore costumes, who played superheroes, who pretended well and fully, who played and played, who left toys everywhere, who made friendship look easy, whose sweet words made me speechless, who lived in his fabulous imagination, who was preternaturally mature, who wore capes or goggles or unusual hats, whose eyes would seek me out, who laughs, who pulls me tight for a hug, who always says You look nice, Mom, who has a life outside of me, who is preparing dinner for the family as I speak, who sometimes still sleeps with a rather large stuffed animal, who winks at me when he teases, who makes plans entirely independent from me, who has his own set of keys, who never forgets to kiss me goodnight, who looks to me for lesson plans, the boy who is my littlest one. 

What does this mean for me?
What will I do?

When I think about these questions the days seem to yawn ahead of me. I know it's just the beginning and I know that parents all over the place deal with this...but now it's me...

What will I do?

.........................................................
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Craving

atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent 

Even though they are right here in my house, I still crave my children. Somehow I thirst for those cheeks, for their hand in mine, for the can I sleep with you, for the help me, Momma, for the tell me a thecret, for the bedtime reading, for the morning snuggles, for bathtime. I ache for arms around my neck, for baby beds and baby pools, for baskets of diapers scattered within arms reach around the house, for sippy cups and plastic-tipped spoons, for crayon drawings on the refrigerator.

Those years of bath toys under foot and colorful plastic dominating the dishwasher, I thought it would never end at the time. Now I long for that precious skin, for those tiny, pearly teeth, for hand holding, for toy boxes, dandelion bouquets, toy-sized shoes. I long for that tiny body with the head tipped up to face me. I long for the stranger asking What did he say? and we being the lucky ones who know what he said in that baby language.

How can I miss Legos all over the house? Piles of stuffed animals in every corner of the room leaving no place for anything else. Stickers on the bedroom door. Toys in the bathtub. How can I miss cutting up their food on those little plastic plates each day? Bringing food and drink with us every time we walk out the door. Kids falling asleep in the car seat as soon as we hit the highway. Fanned toothbrushes from little fisted hands holding them. How can I miss the sweaty, teary, snotty hugs? Cheap, colorful sheets with favorite characters on them. Nail clipping night. Piles of laundry waiting for me to get to it as I chose time with the kids instead of clean clothes.

Elizabeth and her beloved Pink Baby

Imaginary friends with interesting names: when was the last time she played with Ariel Copechert? Fairy stories. That sweet lisp, I love you, Thithy. Crayons on the couch. Popsicle on the front porch every afternoon in the summertime. Strawberries on the wall. Paint spattered on the kitchen cabinets from an attempt at "Modern Art". Forehead kisses. Playing in the laundry basket. Mispronunciations that I don't want to correct. Hiding behind the couch. Eyes so bright with excitement that they seemed to sparkle. Toothpaste in the sink. Little girl dresses. A child crawling up into my lap. A child sleeping on my shoulder. Well-baby check ups at the pediatrician. Playing bubbles in the sink. PBS shows, yes, even that one. Little girl dresses. Kids sneaking into my room at night. Pockets full of treasure. Pink Baby going everywhere with us. The only thing I don't miss is Playdough.

But I do, I do miss these things.
Does the craving ever end? 

Chores and Allowance

atheist parent 

You know, I don't know everything. No one does. But I'm happy to share the reasons for why my husband and I chose to do the things that we did with our kids. Just as you do, we thought about it, considered and many options, and figured out what made the most sense for us, what fit into our parenting paradigm. 

As for chores, Jerry and I were raised very different from one another so we had a number of discussions to figure out what we wanted for our kids with regards to household required chores. Boring topic, maybe. But we talked and talked about these issues back in the day.

I came from a place where there was no mother in the house with myself and my three siblings (long story) and Jerry's mother worked full time, leaving her two boys to fend for themselves quite a bit. Both of us grew up with many chores and many responsibilities and no allowance. Is this better or worse for kids? I have no idea.

Jerry and I decided that certain jobs are necessary for simple house and family maintenance; these chores would be required. Clean rooms, tidying of the house, laundry, dishes, trash, etc. For other kinds of jobs we might negotiate payment, that includes generally some yard jobs and a few household jobs.

So we're not an allowance family. We have been known to pay for some work. I have often given pocket money, though not in a regular amount or time to call it allowance. No one expects it or count on it. The kids have had jobs as soon as they were able. People often give cash as gifts. Boom, your child has cash in their pocket that belongs to them and that they can manage.

Over the years each of my kids have opened their own savings, then checking, accounts and have saved quite a sum.

So, yeah, that's what we do. Works for us.
What do you do?

I'm Imperfect and So are You

atheist parent

We all have our own issues, you know. Some of us spend too much money in order to chase away the I'm not good enoughs. Some of us doubt our own abilities and lack self confidence. Some of us have unhappy voices in our heads reminding us of our past actions.

It's hard being a grown up; it's hard being a human being. We only know what we know and most of us inherit behaviors and thoughts from past generations.

I'm talking about this today because we, as a more enlightened generation of parents, have it within our power to really change humanity. We who are the current bearers of confusion, pain, anxiety, and messed up thoughts have tools at our disposal that can help us dispose of some of this crap forever; we can make choices that will allow us to pass on healthier and happier messages to our children.


What AM I Talking About?

Some places where the human race has been muddled, shamed, impaired, and awkward include healthy sexuality, expression of feelings, learning to handle anxiety and depression, confronting pain and injury, believing in ourselves, confidently being on our own side, choosing healthy things and people in our lives, choosing relationships, etc. 

From sexuality to anxiety to anger issues, we now have access to internal and external modes of treatment and education to actively improve our ways of dealing with the frisson points between ourselves and the rest of the world. Nearly every adult has access to good interventions of our own issues and we need to gratefully and optimistically grab hold of those healthy interventions.

And why?
Partially so as to not pass those inherited or circumstantial issues on to our beloved offspring. Partially so that we can create our own life rather than live with the damaging crap that we inherited.

Are you game?