Pro-Life on Campus and My Son

One of my favorite times of day is when John gets home from school and he tells me about his day. I know. We all love that moment, but this kid is extra interesting because he thinks so much, he observes, and he's pretty darn hilarious. He tells his stories with such energy and I find myself laughing constantly. I love his unique observations. From what happens in the classroom to learning theories to current events to his own response to things, his stories both amuse and impress me.


On Monday the campus had some sort of stump speech by the Right to Lifers. John was nursing the beginnings of a head cold so he was lying in the sun in the quad, giving him an interesting vantage point on the speeches going on. When he joined the audience from a closer range, John told himself I don't know much about this; I'm going to really pay attention and learn something.  He observed the rhetoric and the barbaric tools the RtoLers showed their audience and he was quite shocked by what they were claiming. He was upset and bothered by the things that they claimed about abortion and he felt the need to educate himself on the issue.

He went back to his little place in the grass and started researching the claims that were being made as well as information essential to understanding the divide in points of view regarding abortion. As you can imagine, his research revealed quite a different reality that what the speakers were saying. He continued his reading on into the day and later that night.

TEN MINUTES, he said, only ten minutes of reading and I was already seeing the significant fallacies in what the speakers were saying, how they were trying to get people emotional and upset instead of informing them.

He told me about a conversation he had that day with three young women at the rally, all of them Right to Lifers. John was confused by their apparent comfort with having the government tell them how they can and cannot operate within their own bodies. He told me that when he say to them It's your body! Why would you want the government tell you what you can and cannot do?  The young women all claimed that they would not change their minds. He was flabbergasted. His word. 


Today he's revealing his growing passion to represent the Choice people. He's been talking about it constantly and doing lots more reading and researching on his own on both sides of the argument in a highly ethical way. He's now kicking around the idea of starting a Pro-Choice group on campus!

My point?
I am so proud of him for his willingness to entertain ideas that appall him, confuse him, that he disagrees with so vehemently. It shows a real sense of integrity to find out for himself, doesn't it? His energy at the moment makes me feel such tremendous love and pride and amazement with the human being that he is... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Might Also Enjoy:
School's In
I Trusted My Gut
Heart Outside of my Body
Female and Atheist
He Sees It: How the World Treats Women

Atheist Kids

Being a first generation atheist and raising children was, for me, a challenge. Many times I found myself having to reconsider things that seemed, at first glance, to be simple, but were actually life mired in religion. It was eye-opening to clearly see how ensnared in religion our country actually it. I realized that I had to continually engage my skepticism and research inclination, kick it into high gear, in fact. 

My daughter's first year in school, kindergarten, she was a very active listener, a child who was looking for real magic, a child who saw every single incidence of religion in the world around her. I will never, ever forget being a volunteer in her classroom when they were all standing for the Pledge of Allegiance, she spoke the words, then turned and shouted to me across the room See, Mom, one nation under God... 

Another time, the librarian read Jesus stories to the kids THREE WEEKS IN A ROW! I'm not the complainy type, but after the third week of Jesus, I did contact the Vice Principle of the school and discuss the matter with her. My daughter's teacher thanked me, but the librarian never looked at me again.

My point is that religion is absolutely normal in the world. It is everywhere. Deliberately raising children outside of the norm is truly a challenge.

My daughter told me about several occasions between the ages of five and twelve, because those are the brainwashing years, she said, where she was on the playground with new friends who asked her if she believed in god, capital G. When she would reply that, no, she did not believe in God, the other child would stop playing with her. She tells me of more than one occasion where the other child would say My mom told me I couldn't play with other children who don't believe in God.

Yes, you heard that correct. Parents were already teaching their children to fear and reject people who were different from themselves. 

As Elizabeth's mother, I always knew that she was out there with her eagle eyes and logical brain looking for inconsistencies, facts, and most importantly magic. She wanted to believe. But she was also burdened with a natural fully functioning bullshit detector that would not allow logical fallacies to slide by. That made my job super important. I knew I had to be as coherent and as constant as possible because she was learning every single moment.

Because, in reality, we're not raising ATHEIST kids. We're raising kids who will be atheists - because it makes sense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You might also enjoy this:
How to Talk Religion with Children as an Atheist or Skeptic
How an Atheist Discusses Religion with their Children
Raising Atheist Children
Death, Grief, and Loss: Atheism Style
Books for Your Skeptical Children 

Are You a First-Generation Atheist or Humanist Parent?

Escaping the mind prison of religion is a grueling, effortful, celebration-worthy event. There should be Hallmark cards. The thought liberation is a tremendously life-changing event that few people have the strength, courage, and integrity to accomplish. Myself, it took me over two years to find my way out once the journey toward freethought began. 

So, New and First-Generation Freethinking Parents, gather round because I have some words for you.

I know the stress, the anxiety, the fear: for I have been you. I know the awareness that you are blazing an entirely new trail, the knowledge that loved ones will not and cannot understand and may not support you, the stress of feeling unable to trust believing loved ones with the hearts and minds of your children, the brightening world that is still unknown to you. 
It is a lonely path to liberation, this flight toward freethought, one fraught with anxiety that our hearts and minds walk without certainty in the beginning. But stay tuned, for soon you will experience the light.

The old way was well-worn, well-supported, extremely public, highly-sanctioned, popular, easier...choking, false, cloying, limiting, bloodthirsty, malignant. This new way is honest, cleansing, saving, liberating, essential.

So how do you do it?
How does one move forward into this unknown territory, albeit into the freedom that one craves, when our parents and friends and other loved ones begin circling the wagons? How do we PROTECT THE MINDS AND HEARTS OF OUR CHILDREN? I believe that this is a major task, to raise freethinking children.
 
Did we expect the battle of integrity that would erupt?

Fully knowing the massive division of belief systems between our beloveds and ourselves, most of us leapt into freethought and/or humanism with sheer relief. The religious systems of belief were too unpalatable, too intolerable, too objectionable. Knowing we would be entering into a completely incomprehensible place to our loved ones, we vaulted into the fresh and clear air. Aware that we were leaving all that we knew behind, 
we bounded into the light of freedom of thought.

Moving Forward

So you are ready.
How to move forward?
Please stay tuned. I will be writing tons more for you in the next days and weeks.
For now allow me to leave you with one suggestion: find a community. Online, in real life, whereever you can find them, a community of freethought or humanist parents who can support you, from whom you can learn, who will understand your fears, and with whom you can be honest. This journey into the light is just that, a journey. 
You will continue to learn. 
You can do this.
And check back soon!

I welcome your questions!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
You might also like:
Should I Let my Mom to Take my Child to Church?
My Gift to You
Christian Mythology for Kids...and Adults

Making Mountains of Molehills: A Hideous Parenting Moment

I'm posting this post again. I first wrote it in 2014.

 I recently had a conversation with a dear, dear friend of mine 

and our conversation brought the idea of this post to mine.
I hope you enjoy it.

I remember a hideous day from years ago when Elizabeth was just a few years old. It was while we were potty-training (Oh geez, she is going to hate it that I posted anything about this time!) and I was just beside myself with wondering what to do. I had no idea what I was doing and I was concerned that I was totally messing things up. She was about four years old, maybe. I know that I had a newborn at the time and he was born when she was three and a half, so yeah, about four years old. 

She just didn't want to stop wearing a the darn disposable. And when I asked her why she told me very simply and practically that she didn't want to stop playing to take the time she needed. It seems like such a small deal now but then I was just a mess about it for some reason.

I have to admit that I owe some of my anxiety from this time to a woman that I was hanging out with, I'll call her Betty. She and I had known each other a bit before having children and our daughters were the same age. I often talked with Betty about what I might do to encourage my daughter to...you know...

WHY I asked Betty for guidance I have no idea. She is one of the most truly neurotic people that I have ever had as a friend. She was a mess.
I wish I hadn't listened to her.

Betty's advice to me was that, each time Elizabeth would not go potty in the potty, she was to get a bath because it was dirty to go potty in her pants. UGH, I cringe just thinking about it.

Well, I only did it one time. There she was, my very beloved daughter, standing in the cold bathtub and I was shaming her with my words for not sitting on the potty; she cried.

Elizabeth doesn't remember it at all while I can't forget it!

While I have generally forgiven myself for what I did, what I still struggle with sometimes is making a mountain out of a mole hill. What things that we are struggling with today will become the mole hills of tomorrow? That's what I want to know. 

I realize now that another other thing that contributed to my behavior then was that I was concerned how my daughter's diaper usage somehow reflected on me and probably how these friends of mine would view me. I can say that now. I wanted to be a Good Mom and I didn't think that a Good Mom would have a daughter that age still in diapers.
So, yes, I did have alot to learn.

Today I know that a Good Mom does not need to explain herself to friends around her, doesn't compare her children with any others, and most importantly, a Good Mom is comfortable with her children as they are, not as someone thinks they should be. She also finds friends who share in her way of thinking rather than wallowing in self-doubt and confusion. 

It was a tough lesson. But I think I learned it.
And it didn't hurt to break up with that shaming friend of mine!!!

 WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD ISN'T ON TIME 

So let's say that your children aren't on time with tasks and skills. Unless a professional tells you different, here is what you need to do:  RELAX.

Few teenagers walk around wearing diapers. Few teenagers still suck their thumbs. Most teenagers can walk, read, talk to people, eat their veggies, tie their shoes, say their Rs right, kick a ball, and all of the many things that you, that WE, worry about. 

RELAX. It isn't a race. 

RELAX. The only thing that truly reflects on you is your happy child, sitting or standing, pierced or not, speaking in public or not, listening to inappropriate music or not, wearing inappropriate clothing or not, getting great grades or not, sexually active or not, giving into peer pressure or not, making immature choices or not.

All you can do is give them the tools to build their own mountains and, in the end, they usually do that:  build their own unique mountains.

Can You Relate?

I know you get it that this post does not speak to serious or dangerous practices.

 

The Tooth Fairy

atheist parent

When the kids were small I was far more uncertain of how to be a truly secular woman, how to be an atheist parent of integrity. Just as you do, I thought and thought about how to handle every single thing, especially those customary cultural things that everyone does with their kids in this country.

Santa, Halloween, Easter bunnies, the Tooth Fairy, fairies:  all of those dandy little magical stories we tell our children were swirling around in my head, begging to be considered.

I wanted to be honest and I wanted the kids to have the fun that the stories offer. How to attain both goals of honesty and fun?

The motley crew of
pretend we played.

My daughter was a huge fan of fairies. She believed in them fiercely. We had a small white ceramic house on the front porch that she would sometimes leave small notes in for the fairies to find. Sometimes they would leave her tiny treasures from nature. Personally I lost my taste for the ruse the morning we discovered a cockroach had taken shelter from the rainy night in the little ceramic house. But Elizabeth was in love with the fairies.

I remember the morning she woke up and ran into the room where I was. She was shouting with excitement Mom, I heard the fairy music last night just outside of my window!

I was struggling with the knowledge that I was perpetuating a false bit of magic. I tried so hard to be honest and to keep her mind free of falsehood. In fact, I remember my mom being very confrontational with me in those days with regard to my willingness to pretend fairies while being fully unwilling to pretend in a deity.

The Same Boat? 

I know that you, Dear Thinking Parents Reading This Blog Post, completely understand where I was going in those days. I got lost all over the landscape of how to handle these ongoing fantasies and my mother continued to point out the many places where I tripped over my own efforts of honesty and fun.

Knowing that magical thinking is a perfectly normal and healthy part of child development went a long way in helping me work my way through the struggles I was having. 

Eventually I decided that I was willing to play pretend and to appreciate that my daughter's magical thinking was very normal and natural and that I would roll with it until the first moment she displayed sincere effort to know what was real. For a period, the magic was real for her. I clearly remember the day she talked herself into believing that she could control the wind. The wind moved and she went with the magic without any outside suggestion. For months she and John John moved the wind with glee. 

Suddenly, Clarity 

One day we were driving down the highway, Elizabeth in her usual thoughtful way looking out the window. Suddenly she asked me, Momma, is there really a Tooth Fairy? I asked her if she truly wanted to know the truth and she assured me she did saying, It really doesn't make sense, does it, Momma?

 

A few more minutes passed as I waited to see what would happen next in Elizabeth's mind. She looked at me with tears in her eyes...the Easter Bunny? Fairies? Santa Claus? Interesting that she identified all of the stories at the same time. Isn't the brain an amazing thing?

The house of cards we had built came tumbling down in a matter of about ten minutes. She was angry at the deception for about two weeks. I had heard about kids getting angry when they figured it out but I had never seen such a thing until this child. She was angry that her dad and I would deceive her in such a way.

Two weeks later she was smiling and secretly colluding with me to continuing playing the acts for John. 

A few years later Elizabeth and I were revisiting the moment of reveal and how it had made her feel. I asked her if, now that she knows the truth, she would have preferred playing the games or sticking with reality. I explained the struggle that I had with all of that. She smiled and understood. 

I'm glad we did it, Mom.

Christian Mythology for Kids...and Adults

atheist parent

I received my copy of Christian Mythology for Kids: A Secular Family's Guide to Modern Christianity by Chrystine Trooien in the mail yesterday (yay) and started reading it right away and I can give you a few preliminary observations. It was $19.99, free shipping with Amazon Prime, comparably priced to most books of this size. 

It is a satisfyingly-sized book, hardback, just the right size for the perfect book to read to kids. The illustrations by Christopher Zakrzewski are gorgeous and generous. The colors of the stylized images are truly beautiful. Here's one illustration to whet your whistle:

Author Chrystine Trooien is a wonderful atheist mother who was raised in a fundamental Christian home and who is now mindful of the Kool-aid© out there offered to the minds of our children...in that way Trooien is much like myself and most of my friends and readers here on My Own Mind blog. This collection of Christian stories will allow your child to be informed in the cultural references so prevalent in our culture that come from the Christian tradition while not being indoctrinated or lulled by the saccharine found is so many other renditions of the folk stories.

After all, what other reason would there possibly be to read this collection of notably unremarkable stories if not for the cultural awareness?

As a kid not raised in the church (although we fanatically embraced it in my early teens) I was frequently confused by the references to the various gardens that seemed to be prevalent in the Middle East so many years ago, by the various ghosts and supernatural beings who were unclear to me, by thirty pieces of gold, and by the many murders ordered by the Lord on High, I would have been better served by a book like this one by Trooien than by the Big Book of Children's Bible Stories with the gold binding on the pages that someone gave me for Christmas one year...because I believed all of that crap. Because the grown ups all believed it. 

I have to mention that the stories aren't written for a child to read by themselves, that early reader kind of style. They are written at an estimable reading age of 10+, best guess. But I'm sure the stories would make interesting bedtime stories when followed by discussion. The author has made a point to not include frightening or alarming stories in this volume of myths. But, you know, if you think about it, so many of the mythology stories from the Christian Bible are real yawners if you are not a believer.

When my kids were little 'uns I would frequently read myth stories that we picked up from the library. Fun little volumes about Baba Yaga (kind of scary to one of my kids), creation myths from all over the world, Ganesh, Greek and Roman myths (of course), Native American myths, Anansi, and so so so many more folk stories from around the world. While reading these many stories we would also read the Christian myth stories right along with the other stories...and they didn't stand out in any way as any more true or remarkable. As silly, maybe.

John and three cousins
holding up the world.

We often talked about how so many of these stories were written by people who were trying to explain phenomenon, understandably unscientific stories, before our people finally began to have a better understanding of how the world worked. We enjoyed these stories tremendously and the kids enjoyed exploring the various beliefs and thinking about what it would be like to believe stories such as these under a wide open sky. It was all very non-threatening, open, fun, and highly influential in helping my kids to understand why such stories became so powerful in the various cultures that they represented.

In short, I recommend Christian Mythology for Kids.

Heretical Thoughts about College

atheist homeschool atheist homeschool atheist homeschool atheist homeschool atheist homeschool atheist homeschool atheist homeschool atheist homeschool 

Some of my opinions on homeschooling, on education, might seem rather scandalous to some of you, Dear Readers and Friends. Although my children are well-educated and the recipients of tons of excellent homeschooling I am about to utter some completely heretical blaspheeeeeming, right here on my blog.

I don't believe in required, general studies in college.
I've thought very long and hard about this, so bear with my thoughts on this for a moment.

John sewing some buttons

Here in the United States our universities require two years of General Studies, General Education courses. Universities want their graduates to be well-rounded people, informed in many classical subjects, capable of critical thought, exceptional writing, and a fuller understanding of our world. Higher Math, Logic, Sciences, English and Literature, Economics, History, the Arts: these are the courses that make up most of the General Education courses that students are required to take in order to earn any Bachelors degree.

Students are required to take thirty or more hours of General Education courses from these variety of disciplines. That is the equivalent of nearly a third of all college undergrad credit requirements. While I would not give back my own general education courses in college for the well-rounded education and knowledge and interest that they sparked in me, I do not see them as essential. 

Excellent classes in major fields of study are far more essential. And so many would-be students are unable to attain a full college education because paying for this massive amount of tuition for general studies prohibits completion of a full degree. Would it be such a loss if some students went to college and got right into their major studies?

Investing major cash into a chosen field of study requires such discipline, determination, and focus. That focus in and of itself is truly an education. The various, unrelated fields of study required in the general studies may, most certainly do, help to create a well-rounded student, a more critical thinking human being, and, perhaps, better aware of the operation of the world around them. And that's cool. I had that. I'm glad I had that.

However, investing money and time in pursuit of a chosen profession takes people out of lower-paying jobs and prepares them to actually be able to afford living in the world. Degrees of high learning are essential in our technological world. Two years of focused, specialized knowledge in a specific field is priceless and completely transforming for a student. Even two years, rather than four years, of focused study matures a person, requires extreme personal contemplation, develops excellent thinking skills, develops intense self-discipline, creates opportunity for deliberation and mindfulness, and develops independence and hope and opportunity.

I'm willing to suggest a very unpopular opinion.
General studies are not necessary for a good college experience.
I, a woman with a masters degree married to a very educated man, feel that the long-time beliefs of college providing a well-rounded education is unnecessary and can also exclude so many prospective students who could rise in society, in confidence, in income level, etc.

I'm willing to entertain your ideas...what do you think?

Homeschool: Tricks for Improving your Day

atheist homeschool atheist homeschool atheist homeschool atheist homeschool

Having one of those days?
How about a bad week?  Rough month?

Listen, I'm here to tell you it happens.
It happens to all of us. We are all human and humans have bad days. We have times when we can't live up to our own ideas about what our day should look like. We let little things add up. We simply can't get ourselves or anybody else motivated. We get into a slump. Public schools have gotten wise to this and they give teachers day-long Teacher Days and seminars and things to help them improve their approaches and attitudes every so often.

In a homeschooling family, somehow, it just feels worse because of that no-break-24/7 thing.

I know what your house looks like.

Laundry is everywhere, piles of clean, piles of dirty, piles you can't identify. Dishes are a few days behind. Nothing in the frig for dinner. Crabby kids. Crabby Mom. Tears? Shouting? And what's that smell?
It's normal and it happens in every single family.

How you act under these circumstances may very well become a lesson for your children. Should I freak out (that release might feel great and well-deserved, for a moment), take a nap (who can argue with the rest), or drive away in a huff (as I did recently)? Or should I sit down a moment, get myself together, and gather the troops?

How do we Reclaim our Zest?

When a slump happens (or a battle, or lethargy, or other challenges) it's usually because people are feeling bored or resistant. What is needed is a change of venue. A change of plan. A change of attitude. A chance to reconnect.

So let's look at some idea for how to change the way the day is going.
.

• Get everyone together, grab a water bottle, and take a walk.
  Yes, it CAN be as simple as this. Walking stimulates the body to action. Walks can happen in the neighborhood, at the park, in the zoo, at the mall, down stairs in a pinch. Hold hands if you possibly can.
  
  Taking a walk in a familiar area can make a person feel a sense of belonging. (Look how orange those leaves have gotten!  What happened to this little garden?  There is that man walking the dog we always see!) Walking someplace new can be a wonderful activity of discovery. (What is this seed pod? What a surprise to find a creek here! Where does this little path lead?)
  
  Any age, little ones or big ones like mine, can find their attitude changed on a walk. We have done this many times.  I usually bring a camera when we do this: Crazy Photo Shoot Day. Crazy Home Video Day. Nature pics.
  .
• Put some music on and dance.

  

  Dance Moves

  
  Don't laugh! It's true! Music and dance get the body moving and lifts the spirits of even the downest teenager. Open the blinds, crank up the tunes, and dance together and apart. Make sure to add in some unfamiliar music for fun. Square dancing, Romanian folk music, 40s Swing music, the Foxtrot, Medieval music.
  
  Music tames and terrible twos (and twelves) and soothes all other ages as well. We have done this one so often that the kids will do it themselves with no prompting from me. Sometimes it only takes one song to change everything!
  .
• Grab a favorite book and start reading aloud.
  The kids can be doing other things, including sulking, while your voice brings everyone together and gives focus. We have often done this one with poetry where each person reads aloud from the poetry books. But Rick Riordan works well too! Cook books, map books, large table top books, riddle books.
  
  We have often done this silly reading game:  each person has their own book of choice. Each person reads, one at a time in a circle, one sentence from their book. Sometimes the funniest things happen!
  
  Take an entire week and read. Read at the park. Read in the backyard. Read at the coffee house. Read in bed. Read under in a fort. Read comics. Read joke books. Read the newspaper. Read National Geographic. Read favorite children's books to your teens.
  .
• Put the books away and sing, draw, or play board games.
  

  

  Talking on the bed

  Anytime I am in a rut, finding a place for creativity and play always brings delight and comfort. The same for my kids.  My son John recently asked for a sketch book so that he could entertain himself while being on a long road trip.
  
  But let's not forget the creation of new things. Make up your own songs. Create a new board game. Write a skit. These activities can keep you busy and can keep the creative juices flowing all day...all week!
  .
• Get in the car and go. 
  Where? Keep it simple. Try the library. Go to the next town's park. Visiting water is always right. Creeks, ponds, streams, rivers, oceans. There is so much life in the water and the discovery never ends. Short of water destinations, animals, friends...you are limited only by your imagination. Drive around the block twenty times...or just until the giggles start. Above all else, CHANGE what you are doing.
  
• Pinterest and other online file sharing sources.
  
  

  

  Lunch with Aunt Linda

  Look for a cool craft or science experiment and do it. Watch a documentary. TEDtalks. Google Earth. News sources. Online cams. Online magazines. The options are almost endless. Internet surf together and discuss all you see! If you have a PC, you have the world at your doorstep. Read the same news story on different news sources...very interesting.
  .
• Take a blanket outside and do lessons there. 
  Yes, just this simple movement can make all of the difference in the world.  There is something about clouds overhead, freedom to run, tickling grass, and sunshine that changes everything for the better! I have pulled this little trick out of my hat numerous times. The kids know, when I grab the blanket, their eyes light up and they start smiling...and so do I.
  .
• Teen and Tween girls and baths are always nice.
  (Moms love them too...and so do boys.) A little TLC, some soothing music, a colored and yummy-smelling additive, and even the crankiest tween/teen will feel comforted, loved, and energized.  This little trick has reset my daughter quite a few times...always with lovely results. It remind both of us that what we are doing is child-focused and that my goal is to give her what she needs.
  
  Want to improve it even more? Give her a hair wash or a back wash...and a kiss on the head. A book to read.
  .
• A pot of tea, a plate of cookies, and thou.
  Call a break in the procedures and sit down together. Talk about plans, vacations, fun things. Just let the frustration slide off of you by slowing things down and taking a break. A cuppa is always a nice habit to get into anyway. Taking a few minutes to shrug the stress off, enjoy sparkly cookies, sparkling conversation, jokes and riddles, and a laugh or two.
  .
• Boys appreciate activity. 
  
  

  

  Painting

  Of course, girls too too. If possible, get them moving in any way possible. Slide down the stairs on their bottoms. Wash windows. Build a fort with cushions and sheets. Make a bowling alley with cups. Play "Mother May I."  Make an obstacle course. Create a highway for the Matchbox cars. Exercise. Add movement anytime in any way you can.  Can you say "tickle fight?" How about "Pillow fight!" Wash the car. Chalk lessons on the sidewalk. Jump rope with songs. Fitness trail Trivia Quiz. Garden. Look for insects. Help an elderly neighbor with chores. Your imagination is the limit.
  .
• Teens need contact with friends.
  Alot of contact with friends. Arrange visits with friends frequently. Allow your kids to IM, FB, and other social media sites. It is essential for them. Hand them your calendar and have them fill up a day or two with plans with their friends. Spend some time planning an event...maybe just a celebration dinner! Send out an SOS and an invite to other friends and family--and warm up the calendar with plans.
  .
• Invite someone over. 
  
  

  

  Visiting friends

  Even a visit from the neighbor can break up the rut of a day. In fact, as a kid, I remember going over to "help" neighbors with chores. But, even better, get on the phone and plan several play dates and fun events. Get the kids around the phone and get excited! Some other mother might be overjoyed to do a "kid swap" every so often. Because, remember, everyone has days like this...
  .
• Veg.
  Take the day off. Heck, take the week off. No one is watching. No one is grading you. No one is judging you. No one is comparing you to anyone else. (If they are, Ignore them!) Pop some popcorn, grab the coziest blanket, and watch a movie, TV, documentary, cartoons, or, in our case, Korean dramas for Elizabeth, Scrubs for John. Sometimes we all need to veg.
  
  Every single person on earth has days...several days sometimes...when they need to just VEG. If either Mom or child needs to take a break, remember, loving is far more important than lessons. Don't worry about comparisons, judgments, or mess. Somehow, you will find the vegging becomes quite productive when it leads to a happier day!  And...
  .
• Control/ALT/Delete  Everyone jump back into bed and start over!
  .

Time Out

Didn't Work...

If none of these things work, maybe things are more serious and Mom needs more. If it's a bad day for Momma, getting away, getting rest, getting support is essential. Even if it's just getting a breather in your room with the door closed. The kids will learn that moms need time on their own to reflect, to rest, to regain composure, to read a book, and yes, just to breathe. When I need it, the kids know they can find me in my room reading...

Taking care of MOM is essential. This is for homeschooling families or any family. If Mom is feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or ill she needs some additional help. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends and families. Nearly every homeschooling parent I know would be more than happy to lend me a hand if I needed to take a break. I hope you have that resource as well. If that's not enough, please seek help. No shame, no judging, just acceptance and strength. Because that is what it truly is: it is strength to know when to ask for help. Homeschool or not.

This is a piece I borrowed from a couple of years ago

and rewrote and added new pics.
It all still applies.

Part Four: Some Call them Whiners: Bottom Line

atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent challenging child challenging child challenging child highly sensitive children highly sensitive children

Bottom line, if you are the mom of a challenging child, as I am, learn to respond to your child's extra-large emotions in a way that might seem counter intuitive. While it may seem the parental thing to do to help your child become a positive and optimistic human being, engaging in a tactic of this nature will absolutely backfire on you.

Instead of seeking to change your child, accept him or her. Instead of expecting a reasonable response, allow your child to express themselves without the slightest bit of criticism or disapproval. Don't fear. The storm will wind down, eventually. Do the thing that seems anomalous; do the thing that your mother will not understand; do the thing that others will call indulging and spoiling. Relax, remain calm, listen, stay close, love and accept your child through the hurricane of their emotional storm. Let them know that you are there. Be aware that it is not possible to change temperaments.

A reminder, though, that your own needs are super important, as if safety of all involved. If you need to take a break, if you need distance, if you need privacy, then take it! It is always the right thing to model self care. Not letting someone cut you down. Not allowing someone to shout into your face or injure you. Model the fact that it is always the right thing to expect to be treated appropriately. For example, if your challenging child is taking their frustrations out on you you are absolutely correct to remind them of your expectations for how to talk to you and to remove yourself if you are being abused. You may not talk to me in that manner because I will not stay in this room if you do. This is modeling appropriate behavior and it is taking care of yourself.

Liz
Then and Now

It will take awhile, but eventually your child will see your acceptance of, your acknowledgement of, your validation of their struggle and difficulty when it comes to handling such large emotions. Eventually your child will stop feeling the need to express all of that intrapsychic energy. Your child may lose the feeling that fighting is the only way to get support. He or she may stop feeling the need to make it dramatic to show how painful. And your child may finally stop feeling the need to be defensive of how overwhelming and lonely the conflict feels.

As parents, our goal is not to change our child into the sunny child we know would be happier and easier, though so many people struggle with this one for many years. I struggled and got stuck here for many years because I just knew she could be happier if she would only set aside the negativity and embraced the joys of life. I learned over time that a person's temperament is not a choice that they are making. It is a part of who they are.

With time, love, acknowledgement, respect, and patience, my daughter has evened out quite a bit. Today her explosions are waaaay shorter, less frequent, and very often they end with her expressing her understanding and seeing how to improve her choices. Today she is better able to avoid the drama altogether.

Empathy. That's the key.

I hope this series of blog posts was helpful.

I welcome your question and comments.
This is a work in progress!

 

Addendum, February 11, 2016

I just ran across this article from Huffington Post on highly-sensitive people and this one from a blog called The Simply Luxurious Life. I hope you read them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other Posts you Might Enjoy:

Moving Into the Light
Part One: Some Call Them Whiners, The Challenge

Part Two: Some Call Them Whiners, Drawing a Picture
Part Three: Some Call Them Whiners, Have Courage

Advanced Anger Management
Putting the Children First: Karen Loethen's Thoughts