Part Two: Some Call them "Whiners", Drawing a Picture

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I think that at times in my life I have battled my own tendencies toward being a challenging temperament...a little. But I'm generally a very mellow person, quite low key. In my family growing up, some major people in my family are people who are of this temperament, challenging. Now with my daughter being of a challenging personality temperament, I'm the dang sandwich generation. 

No wonder this personality type has been the bane of my existence and the focus of so much of my energy and thought. Both my mother and my daughter mean alot to me and my relationship with each of them requires that I spend time contemplating situations: what is going on? What is hidden? What is being communicated? What will help the situation that my challenging one has created? What part have I played? When do I need some space? What is unsaid in this situation? 

What exactly do I mean when I talk about a challenging temperament? Let me describe the type of things you might notice in a person. But the truth is, I'm just flying by my own experiences here; your post might read differently.

In some families the challenging person is very often misunderstood and maligned. They are often called whiners, complainers, killjoys, bitches, and more. This person has exhausted people. These people may complain and be negative so much and so often that they push people away from them. Many people choose to stay away for the cycle of negativity that a person of this temperament might bear with them. I guess you can figure out your challenging person by how exhausted you feel after an interaction with them.

In my case, I generally see some of these things:

• This person is inconsolable. Their problems are larger and worse than yours.
• This person vacillates between depression and anger and feeling simultaneously powerless and at fault.
• When confronted, this person will reveal a complex morass of confusion and anger that doesn't seem to be based fully in reality.
• This person is convinced that no one can understand how difficult their life is.
• This person tends to react in fairly large ways because they are convinced that their emotions are far too large to contain. Additionally, they are convinced that they have every right to express those emotions freely and without check.
• Understanding and investigation happens second: reactive explosion happens first.
• The complaints are ongoing and seem to reflect obsessive thinking, or an inability to see beyond their own situation.
• This person may have frequent minor physical complaints and require special care.
• This person will explain why their issues are endless and will up the ante if you attempt to bring in a larger-world perspective.
• This person finds a certain amount of comfort or familiarity in their depression or sad state.
• This person might seem to be seething much of the time.
• This person might seem to resist intimacy while simultaneously crave it.
• Any attempt to be solution-focused is met with frustration, indignation, or exasperation.
• This person may feel defeated by life in general and alone in their battle with it.
• This person's reactions to seemingly small things reflects their perception that the world is unfairly stacked against them.
• And this person is completely unaware of how difficult, dramatic, and unrealistic their reactions are to handle and they seem to operate from a position of expecting to not be liked or loved.

Truly each challenging person has their own constellation of provocations and characteristics. Probably the threads running through many of these folks is the certainty that their conflicts are harder than most people's, that no one understands or appreciates their challenges, and that they don't have good self-soothe skills. Also, please note that these characteristics are listed from an outsider's perspective and not from the perspective of the person in question.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have I caught the essence of you or of your loved one? If so, please stick around. I have devised some efficacious actions and interventions that might be useful to you to explore and to understand.

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In my third post of this series I plan on talking about what works if you are a challenging person or if you have a challenging person in your life. And the fourth and final post will talk about additional ideas and suggestions.

Figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life, yet I'm sure my efforts will fall short. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.

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Other Posts I Recommend:
Part One: Some Call them Whiners, The Challenge
A Parental Confession
It's Going to be Worth It
Shooshy: Raising My Daughter
Her Face