How to Teach Ethics to Our Children

My last post, all about ethics and relativism, was all about leading up to this post about how to teach our children to be ethical human beings. Interestingly, it's a pretty easy process. Which is great because the statistics are climbing, the number of atheists in this country has hit somewhere in the twenty percent range. That's ALOT of kids not getting their ethics from a religion...yay!

How do we do it?
By living it.

Our children watch us. They learn from making mistakes (and from not making mistakes). They learn when we make mistakes. They learn from the world around them. They learn from exploring issues. They learn from interacting with the people around them. They learn by how people treat them. They learn.

It's not done in weekly lessons; it's done living day by day by day. In the moment and over time. Trust me, they learn.


In fact, and I'm being completely honest here, I'm not at all sure that raising a child in the church is the most ethical things to do...
Do your research; you'll see what I mean.

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Pro-Life on Campus and My Son
The Tooth Fairy
Secularity and Sexuality and My Family

Weird and Honest: Death

When you lose someone in your life, in addition to entering into the so-called grief cycle, you also enter into a complete cover-up culture of your own thoughts and feelings. Let me explain what I mean, because, as usual, I have had to come to this awareness slowly... 

But first, please read the cautionary comment below.

 And please, be aware, this blog post might trigger you 

if you are in a place of grief...

yet it is a freeing post for me 

because I plan on being entirely transparent 

in my usual TMI, weird, awkward, honest way.

OK, let's first start with the so-called Grief Cycle. 
Look, I'm a huge fan of Kubler-Ross. I think she was brilliant. I've probably read far more K-R than most people have simply because of my field of study and because of my own interest. Her book On Death and Dying was a landmark book at the time because it, first, looked at an almost taboo subject, death, it also sought out to normalize what is, in fact, normal. I'm sure you have at least a passing knowledge of the stages of grief.

Her five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are pretty universally accepted, though some offer criticism of these stages that the stages are not universal and, in fact, have no empirical evidence to support the theory. But most people, lay people and human behavior researchers alike, can acknowledge that the stages are very relatable. From the loss to death of a loved one, to one's own journey toward an expected death, to losses of all kinds, like moving from place to place, major breaks ups, loss of personal reputation, to loss of important objects, etc, the stages of loss tend to look pretty similar.

Other critics of K-R's Stages of Grief Theory simply suggest that the so-called stages are undefined and fluid and, therefore, not useful. The critics also remind us that the tasks of grief are never really behind us, as the concept of a stage might suggest, but remain ongoing in our lives for most loss. On other hand, their usefulness as predictive points of grief cannot be denied and have been a real comfort to me.

Before and After

Second, and I'll be brief here, the idea that the grieving process actually leads to a place, a place of new meaning, seems counter to my own experiences. Many losses really have no meaning. We each might have to move toward a new reality or understanding of ourselves in the world, but the idea that loss actually has intrinsic meaning...let's just say that I'm skeptical about this one.

Kudos to you if you have found new meaning. But please understand that that new meaning is not the purpose or the point of our loss; it is our own need to move forward into our continuing life without our lost person, object, or personal loss.  That idea of before and after a loss or major life-changing struggle. We do have to move forward, right?

So there's that, the fact that our grieving is never really over, never really past, never really apart from ourselves...but my next point is the real crux of this post, so beware. Be. Ware.

Ever since my parents' deaths, one of the thoughts that I have had in my head, in spite of trying very hard to push the thoughts away, is the propensity to imagine the actual physical stages of decomposition of my parents' bodies. In their metal, hot caskets. Under the ground. 

I know.
How can I actually say this one out loud?
I've given it alot ALOT of thought and I actually think that MOST people must have thoughts like this, but they do every single, solitary thing they can to push the thoughts out of their heads...I simply refuse to do that anymore. I acknowledge that I have obsessed about this because I've tried hard to push the thoughts out of my mind. I have looked on line for stages of decomposition of a body over time because I needed to know...for some reason.

Don't, DO NOT Google this subject unless you think you can handle the truth. The truth: the body decomposes in a very predictable, normal way. There are images of these stages of decomposition... No supernatural stuff. No fear. Nothing unnatural. Just the complete natural aspect of nature: non-living tissue breaks down into smaller and smaller particles until those particles disperse and become a part of the natural world around them.

And, actually, writing that just gave me sincere comfort because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. I'll bet more people experience these thoughts but are CERTAIN that they are weird or alone in this. When, in fact, why wouldn't we think of this? Right?

I'm sorry, I simply can't not say it and, as I was thinking about it again today, I decided to simply OUT myself as human. I'm sharing with you a thing that I've pushed out and pushed away and tried to eradicate from my thoughts for years now...with no success. The thoughts are still there and, this is key, I honestly think we all struggle with this part of our mortality. With the physical part of our own death which, of course, leads directly to decomposition.

But what a taboo thing to write, say, THINK.
It's dark but it's real.
And, here we are and I'm feeling a bit calmer now simply calling this out, simply writing the thing that has consumed so much energy to avoid thinking about...WOW. 

A glass thing
with ashes

And so, with this in mind, I've talked to my husband and kids and I've told them that I do not want to be buried. I don't want them to have these disturbing images in their heads as I have had...you know, the very real and predictable stages of decomposition. Sorry, you do know... Anyway, I told them that I wish to be cremated and to have my ashes either put into a cool glass thing or spread somewhere that means something to each person. It's their choice and they will have to live with it.

I THINK this will prevent each of them from having the potential gruesome thoughts that I, myself, have fought for so long...

What do you think?

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You Might Also Enjoy:
Atheists Talking to Our Kids about Death and Grieving
Death, Grief, Loss: Atheism Style
There are no Atheists in Foxholes

If My Child Became a Believer

One of the questions that first-generation atheist parents ask ourselves (and each other) quite a bit is this: What if my child became a believer?

Yeah, we like to torture ourselves.  😄

So many of us have come so far from the mythologies of our upbringing, yet we recall the strength of the methodical brainwashing of the religions of our childhoods. In the early years of parenting my children, the sheer thought of allowing my children to be in the presence of any of that brainwashing treacle was enough to place terror in my heart.

I didn't know yet.
I didn't trust reason and logic yet.
I still lived in fear from the brainwashing.

What I didn't know then yet was that raising our kids in our home with reason and logic and freedom to explore ideas was total inoculation against the religions of the world. They were set.

We had science in our lives continuously. If we weren't looking at the stars or the rocks or some energy source, we were talking about the concepts behind those things. It was regular and natural and barely required any planning or deliberate action, because it is how we live our lives. We love to learn, my husband and I, and we would share our enthusiasm with the kids. Even if they weren't completely bowled over by the science behind the rainbow or the rain, they still absorbed all of that knowledge, all of that beauty.

Kids are always so enamored with the flashy sciences: dinosaurs, race cars, pretty rocks, water guns, thunderstorms, farts, flight, the ocean, bugs, etc and it's so easy to simply get excited about all of those things that grab their attention and to explore every part of it that keeps them interested. Momma, watch the Bill Nye videos from a very early age! So fun and so engaging. 

But what about Santa 

and religion 

and the religion in the media?

 
Well, I didn't say that that crap isn't omnipresent, because it totally is. And it's beguiling and flashy. Early on, Man, I remember my heart clinching in my chest when something from the noise would attract the attention of Elizabeth. Because she wanted magic. She craved it. And she wanted it to be REAL.

So, one day I decided to simply embrace the magic.
Let her believe. Let her take on the nonsense in her own head and trust that she knew enough to keep her safe.
Oh geez was I frightened.

But I needn't have been.
She explored lots of magical ideas when she was, aw, between five and nine years of age or so. And if SHE explored it, so did John. He just followed her in whatever she did.

Once, for about a year they both believed and acted like they had some sort of wind magic.  😊  They would call the wind. And, not surprisingly, sometimes it would come. And one day, Elizabeth and John John has been calling the wind when Elizabeth sidled over to me, keeping her confession a secret from her little brother, and said, You know, Momma, I don't really call the wind; the wind just comes and I call it after I see it happening.

I know, Honey. Isn't it fun to pretend?

Yes.


The two of them went on to "believe in" several other gods and spirits and things (for awhile during the Rick Riordan years, they pretended to believe in the Greek Gods.) They would act serious about it, like they saw some grown ups act about their god. 😆 And always, always, they knew that they were pretending.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 😊 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that the kids are older I have asked them about all of that and they both have told me that they enjoyed pretending, but the cognitive dissonance was strong! 

So, while I don't advocate for any VBS or "going to church with Grandma", I do hope that you can relax about this. If you're doing your part, in a relaxed fashion, of exposing them to the beauties and fun of science, you can consider them inoculated.

Of course, if you EVER feel uncomfortable
with what's going on,
ignore this and trust your own instincts


What would YOU DO if your child
became a believer?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Might Also Enjoy:
Indoctrination
Are you a First-Generation Atheist Parent or Humanist Parent?
Should I Let My Mom Take My Child to Church?
Dealing With Confrontational Family Members
How to Talk Religion with Children at an Atheist or Skeptic
.

Mainstream Atheism

One of those things that's been on my mind lately...

The other day I was outside with my granddaughter, playing in the water, when someone from the neighborhood came walking up the street. They were walking their dog and talking on their phone, loudly. HOW they weren't huffing and puffing I have no idea because my street is a hell of a hill. ANYWAY, the content of her talking was all about the lord and blessings and whatnot. 

This woman was just going on and on, fearlessly, certain that her conversation was absolutely acceptable to be expressing on my street.
Can you imagine if I was walking up the street in my neighborhood, or nearly any neighborhood in the country, talking that loudly and proudly of atheism?

• I mean, I spent all of that time in the foxhole and darned if I'm still an atheist! 
• I'm not a believer, but that Pope Francis is awesome, hey! 
• And so I told her that I won't miss her when she goes to heaven! 
• Oh she did NOT! Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, Sister!
• So yesterday I completed a complicated, for which I'm giving myself thanks for the excellent planning and gumption and giving thanks to my husband for his support! Reality works in completely explainable ways!
• I won the lottery! Thank you, statistically likely chance!

Add to this thought the other thing that I noticed myself doing. When the kids and I are out in public and one of them makes a fairly loud rational-, anti-religion-, atheist-type statement...I SHUSH THEM! I just discovered myself doing that one day last week and I was astonished with myself!

Here I have raised them to be proudly atheist and then I shush them... Just last week John looked at me and asked Why should I shush?  

Have I lost my mojo? I have NOT.

The kids are actually quite anti-theist, anti-religious. 😄 Which actually makes me proud of them. They are both quite well-informed and knowledgeable. However, they can sometimes forget that about two-thirds of people out in public are shocked by their words. Admittedly, some of my shushing is likely the result of their overzealous volume...but from now on, I'm back to encouraging them to take their anti-theism mainstream. Less PC. Less fear of offending the majority. Honest, reasonable, empowered points of view, and out and proud.

These are amazing kids, kids that I am extremely proud of. Kids who make me proud to have them out there representing our family. And if, in public, someone called them out, I would be delighted to hear what my kids would say to them.
(P.S. My kids are 21 and 17.)

They deserve a voice as loud as anyone else's.

Besides, I'm not not an anti-theist...

😆

What do YOU think? 

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You Might Also Like:
Indoctrination
Out and Open and Wanting to Say it Tonight
Being an Atheist Isn't Enough

Indoctrination

Can we teach our children 

to recognize indoctrination attempts 

by the religious believers?

I'd love to be able to tell you that, yes, there is a magic bullet, a way to make 100% certain that indoctrination attempts do not reach our children's ears or minds. Alas, there is not. What we do have, however, is time and reason.

Raising children is a journey.
Along the way we will enter Mordor as often as we enter Narnia; it's not really possible to avoid all detours and I'm not sure it's necessary. I can recall dozens of times when the issue of religion raised its alluring head to my children, times when they felt attraction to the tales and saccharine of various beliefs. As a freethought parent, a true skeptic, parts of me wanted to hide the kids in caves until it was over. But we all know that that isn't possible, nor is it preferable. 

If there are going to be mind games being played, and there are, we want to be in the forefront of defense. And, delightfully, that isn't all that hard to do. No, we can't compete with cute zucchini singing songs or other magical allurements.  But there isn't really the need to. Because we have reality on our side.

Learning about the reality of the planet on which we live is enough.

Our children will go through the normal stages of childhood, including those years of truly wanting to believe in magic. I remember my daughter, one time, sending me to the library to pick up books on how to do magic. When I brought home a nice selection of books on magic tricks she said No, Momma, not tricks, real magic!  Of course, I had to take her to the library and show her that there are no such books and I had to explain why. Because magic isn't really real. 😢  I agree that it would be fun if it was real, but, alas, it is not. 
That is why we pretend.  😃 


Sadly and surely, there will be concerted efforts by someone  to indoctrinate your child. The Sweet Tiny Baby Jesus story. Noah. Heaven. The Lord who will put you into HELL if you don't believe, etc.* Even with little extra-familial conflict there will be those who attempt to tell these stories to your children behind your back. It is inevitable.

The challenge at those integral moments will be to remain calm.
You will want to do what I did.
Freak out.
Get angry.
Feel like fleeing.
Want to shield your child.
But what I finally realized is this. There is no way around it, there is no healthy way to forbid it or avoid it; the only way is through it. Magical thinking is a completely normal part of our children's cognitive development, which is probably why they are so targeted at such young ages. Our children will learn by exploring the ideas and by rejecting them one by one.

Here's what it looks like when we remain calm: we look at the various weird claims and ask Hmmm, I'm not seeing any sign of that. Let's look it up.  😃
For example, hell and heaven. We looked through telescopes and saw absolutely mindblowing planets and stars and other objects, objects completely amazing and worth knowing more about - but no heaven. We looked deep into the earth. We saw strata and dirt and rock and minerals, more stuff that was interesting to learn more about - but we did not see hell.
Shrug. Hmmmm. Wonder why that is..?

For a fairly long while my children believed in various magical ideas. And I had to allow that.

Why? So that they could figure it out themselves. 
With one caveat, this does not mean being cavalier about allowing the kids to go to VBS with Grandma; that's an entire other story.
 
In the meantime, calmly and fun, we are learning about various bits of scientific reality. The water cycle. Fossils. Dinosaurs. Animal lives. The human body. Weather. Chemistry. The stars. Plants. Fish. Etc. We are learning what is real. Continue to learn more, continue to be curious, continue to explore anything at all that interests you and your children.

And enjoy the journey.

Is this helpful?

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You might also enjoy:
First Generation Atheist Parenting
On Being an Atheist Parent
How to Explain Religion to my Child

Resisting Temptation is Too Hard

This week I've been in a constant state of astonishment about the Trump family and their compatriots, and their seeming inability to resist getting more money, cheating, hiding secrets, serious breeches of personal and professional ethics. I truly don't understand how fearful a person must be to feel as though they never have enough cash and as though they must cheat the system to get and hide more, to take the cash from other parties, or to feel entitled to the lion's share. It's a temptation that I can't relate to at all.

But it's there. The news these days is inundated with people in the financial upper 1% who want more, need  more, can't seem to stop themselves from gaining more at the expense of others. I truly wonder if that need to have 
more more more a temptation or a disorder ??? It seems like such a destructive drive, an enthrallment that brings nothing but disorder, anxiety, imprisonment, banishment, personal and professional collapse.

Surely there is an underlying sense of omnipotence, being above the law, being entitled, but there must also be some sense of fear, inadequacy, something that is being run from... All resulting in these people, and others of course, making decisions that they can't seem to resist...
ANYWAY...

This blog post is actually about that claim by some believers that atheists are atheists because we find it too difficult to resist temptation and we, therefore, avoid religion and its wisdom regarding the struggle of enticing things and behaviors, and we embrace the temptation...a claim that I strenuously reject.



Resisting Temptation is Too Hard

Inherent in such a claim is an underlying belief that atheists actually do believe in a deity but reject that deity for various character flaws or weaknesses, temptations. Also implicit in the Christian and religious view of temptation is that temptation leads one to sin, that we are broken, and that we are sinful by nature. 
All of these claims I reject strenuously, again.

Human beings are imperfect, all of us, those who believe and those who do not believe in supernatural things, all are imperfect and striving. We are all in this world where unhealthy or unwise allurements surround us and we all must find our way to the healthiest and happiest existence possible and that means we must learn how to avoid unhealthy, hurtful choices.

What do I mean about temptations?
I'm thinking of things like sexual behaviors that bring us or others pain, taking drugs or any other substance that brings us problematic health situations, stealing, greed, purchasing unnecessarily or extravagantly more, invasion of the privacy of another, wearing sweatpants every day, another Snickers®️, eating my fries across the table, getting yet another cuddly kitten, dangerous weight loss fads, giving up. These are all examples of very real temptations that all humans must figure out how to handle. Especially in this culture, we are teased and taunted and seduced continuously with unhealthy options. I submit that these are generally issues of consumerism rather than of demonic temptation.

These temptations are normal.
I have experienced nearly every one of these myself, minus the cats. In fact, I'm wearing sweatpants as I sit here typing this.

These temptations and allurements are not evil demons trying to ensnare you; they are a part of being alive and we are wise to learn mature and healthy ways to deal with them. Some believers will say that atheists truly know that a deity exists but that we, the atheists, do not wish to avoid temptation and so we reject their god. No, they will say, we want to live in temptation.  Our relativism is a mask for our overindulgence.

Good grief.
What nonsense. Again, the fear is so obvious in beliefs such as this.
I'm glad that not all religions push such agendas of fear.

Allow me to give you several truly helpful behaviors that are truly not too hard to help you through the unfair cajolery of certain substances and behaviors:

Yes, secular AA-rejectors, these are helpful to you:

• Be aware of those things that are potentially tempting to you and deliberately create options. Know when you will be in the presence of things/people/behaviors that entice you to distraction and make a plan for getting through the moment.
  This is simply self-preservation.
• Or simpler, avoid those places.
  Remove yourself from places where temptation lives. You are a powerful being with the ability to make choices and you deserve to create healthy places and spaces for yourself.
  This is simply good planning.
• Be as truly honest with yourself and others about those things that are problematic for you. This honesty sets the stages for personal interventions and empowerment in the face of strong urges. Because you can become stronger and stronger in the struggle each time you find your way to a healthier decision.
• Practice making good, healthy choices. In down time, create scenarios and scenes in your mind where you address the temptation and succeed in making other choices that are healthier and more full of integrity.
  This is simply self-empowerment.
• Remind yourself of your goals and of your values and of the positive consequences of making decisions of health, sobriety, integrity, personal power. Imagine the success of those moments where no one is watching you and you do not give in to another kitten or problematic behavior.
  This is simply getting conscious that a decision lies before you and that you have the power to make things happen through your behavior, through your daily choices.
  You have the power.
• Create a meaningful life. Friends, hobbies, activities, work that is meaningful. All of these things, and more, fill in the spaces of boredom, depression, self-pity, even of celebratory moods that might lead one to ignore moment of choice that one is facing.
  This is simply finding supportive places and people.
• Remember that you are on a journey. Life is a journey and you want to create the best life possible. In this moment.

But still, the point, atheists are not atheists because we are embracing temptation. We are atheists because it makes sense.

As for temptation...
No guilt.
No shame.
No sin.
No name calling.
So self-flagellation. 
No demons luring you to your doom.
Just one human being making the most of their life.

And also, regarding how atheists prefer temptation:

😄

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You might also like:
Well He Believes in You
There are no Atheists in Foxholes
What if You're Wrong
You Deny God Because You Want to Sin
This One Meaningless Life of Mine
For Someone Who Doesn't  Believe in God, You Sure Talk About Him Alot

Atheist Kids

Being a first generation atheist and raising children was, for me, a challenge. Many times I found myself having to reconsider things that seemed, at first glance, to be simple, but were actually life mired in religion. It was eye-opening to clearly see how ensnared in religion our country actually it. I realized that I had to continually engage my skepticism and research inclination, kick it into high gear, in fact. 

My daughter's first year in school, kindergarten, she was a very active listener, a child who was looking for real magic, a child who saw every single incidence of religion in the world around her. I will never, ever forget being a volunteer in her classroom when they were all standing for the Pledge of Allegiance, she spoke the words, then turned and shouted to me across the room See, Mom, one nation under God... 

Another time, the librarian read Jesus stories to the kids THREE WEEKS IN A ROW! I'm not the complainy type, but after the third week of Jesus, I did contact the Vice Principle of the school and discuss the matter with her. My daughter's teacher thanked me, but the librarian never looked at me again.

My point is that religion is absolutely normal in the world. It is everywhere. Deliberately raising children outside of the norm is truly a challenge.

My daughter told me about several occasions between the ages of five and twelve, because those are the brainwashing years, she said, where she was on the playground with new friends who asked her if she believed in god, capital G. When she would reply that, no, she did not believe in God, the other child would stop playing with her. She tells me of more than one occasion where the other child would say My mom told me I couldn't play with other children who don't believe in God.

Yes, you heard that correct. Parents were already teaching their children to fear and reject people who were different from themselves. 

As Elizabeth's mother, I always knew that she was out there with her eagle eyes and logical brain looking for inconsistencies, facts, and most importantly magic. She wanted to believe. But she was also burdened with a natural fully functioning bullshit detector that would not allow logical fallacies to slide by. That made my job super important. I knew I had to be as coherent and as constant as possible because she was learning every single moment.

Because, in reality, we're not raising ATHEIST kids. We're raising kids who will be atheists - because it makes sense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You might also enjoy this:
How to Talk Religion with Children as an Atheist or Skeptic
How an Atheist Discusses Religion with their Children
Raising Atheist Children
Death, Grief, and Loss: Atheism Style
Books for Your Skeptical Children 

Are You a First-Generation Atheist or Humanist Parent?

Escaping the mind prison of religion is a grueling, effortful, celebration-worthy event. There should be Hallmark cards. The thought liberation is a tremendously life-changing event that few people have the strength, courage, and integrity to accomplish. Myself, it took me over two years to find my way out once the journey toward freethought began. 

So, New and First-Generation Freethinking Parents, gather round because I have some words for you.

I know the stress, the anxiety, the fear: for I have been you. I know the awareness that you are blazing an entirely new trail, the knowledge that loved ones will not and cannot understand and may not support you, the stress of feeling unable to trust believing loved ones with the hearts and minds of your children, the brightening world that is still unknown to you. 
It is a lonely path to liberation, this flight toward freethought, one fraught with anxiety that our hearts and minds walk without certainty in the beginning. But stay tuned, for soon you will experience the light.

The old way was well-worn, well-supported, extremely public, highly-sanctioned, popular, easier...choking, false, cloying, limiting, bloodthirsty, malignant. This new way is honest, cleansing, saving, liberating, essential.

So how do you do it?
How does one move forward into this unknown territory, albeit into the freedom that one craves, when our parents and friends and other loved ones begin circling the wagons? How do we PROTECT THE MINDS AND HEARTS OF OUR CHILDREN? I believe that this is a major task, to raise freethinking children.
 
Did we expect the battle of integrity that would erupt?

Fully knowing the massive division of belief systems between our beloveds and ourselves, most of us leapt into freethought and/or humanism with sheer relief. The religious systems of belief were too unpalatable, too intolerable, too objectionable. Knowing we would be entering into a completely incomprehensible place to our loved ones, we vaulted into the fresh and clear air. Aware that we were leaving all that we knew behind, 
we bounded into the light of freedom of thought.

Moving Forward

So you are ready.
How to move forward?
Please stay tuned. I will be writing tons more for you in the next days and weeks.
For now allow me to leave you with one suggestion: find a community. Online, in real life, whereever you can find them, a community of freethought or humanist parents who can support you, from whom you can learn, who will understand your fears, and with whom you can be honest. This journey into the light is just that, a journey. 
You will continue to learn. 
You can do this.
And check back soon!

I welcome your questions!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
You might also like:
Should I Let my Mom to Take my Child to Church?
My Gift to You
Christian Mythology for Kids...and Adults

Who do You Thank for your Children?

At some point a few years ago I found myself on a blog written by a Christian parent named Bill Belew. His blog seems to be generally about raising children who are ethnically different from their parents. At some point Mr. Belew had come across an OLD blog that I created for atheist parenting carnivals. I called that blog Carnival of Atheist Parenting. Because of the links involved in blogging, I found myself on his blog reading his post entitled Atheist Parenting | Who do you say thank you to for your children? 

In this blog post  Mr. Belew's eight year old daughter Mia asked her father what an atheist was, presumably because of the blog carnival site. He and I had followed links back and forth a couple of times.
Allow me to copy/paste his blog post here:

I had to ask my daddy, “What’s an atheist?” before I could understand anything about atheist parenting.
.
“Atheists are people who think they are God.”
.
Wow, how can they think that?
.
“Well, atheists want to say there is no such thing as God, or a god.  But, in order to say that something absolutely does not exist, an atheist must be everywhere at the same time and say ‘look, I don’t see it.’ And nobody can be everywhere at the same time … except for someone like a God.”
.
Hmm … that’s a bit too deep for a little girl like me. Daddy, everyday you say ‘Thank you’ to God for giving you me. Who do atheists say thank you to for their children?
.
“I don’t know the answer to that question. The stars maybe? Chance? Atheists think that things just sort of came to be. So, I suppose that they think children just kind of pop out when the time comes and disappear into oblivion 70-80 years later.”
.
What’s obble if in. (Ed. oblivion.)
.
“It’s nothing and nowhere.”
.
So, we kids come from nothing and go to nowhere? That doesn’t make sense.
.
“It doesn’t make sense to me either, honey. Maybe an atheist will read this and explain it to us. I am genuinely interested and think such a discussion would be worthwhile.”
.
Daddy. Thank you for being thankful for me.

 Well, I thought I would be that atheist who read and explained and I, too, thought the discussion might be worthwhile, so I commented this:

I am very happy to help answer this question. Of course I can speak for myself only, not an entire group of people. I am an atheist parent and I am here to answer your questions. Keeping in mind that I do not debate, try to change your mind, or participate in any sort of proselytizing.
First I feel the need to correct something that you have already said that is a MAJOR MAJOR piece of misinformation in a part of the “explanation” above. Atheist parents most definitely do not believe that they are god. In fact, the word atheist means “no god”. Atheists have no belief in any god, demon, spirit, etc, In fact, atheists are very skeptical about all claims of anything supernatural at all. Certainly not ourselves. *wink*

And, second, an atheist truly does not have to be everyplace at all!

We do not make the claim of a supernatural being or god, so atheists really have no burden to prove any extraordinary claims.

And lastly, as I am sure you are aware, atheists do not buy any of the creation stories. Many atheist accept the big bang theory of creation. I am sure that some do not.
As for who do I THANK for my children?
I thank THEM for being exactly who they are.
Who brought them into being? Well, simply, when two people love each other, they share a special kind of love…
My husband and I brought them into being.
I am not thankful TO anyone. I am simply deeply thankful for them.
I do not believe that it is necessary to give credit to a deity in order to truly be thankful that my children are MY children.
I love them SO deeply and SO completely that there is no way to measure it!
Peace, Karen

And then, after talking with Elizabeth and John about the blog post, they asked me if they, too, could comment on Mr. Belew's blog post, and we commented like this:

I have been sharing this with my children and my son, John, age 12, has a point that he wants to make.
We have taken the time to learn the natural way of our own existence. The word “oblivion” suggests that “we” (atheists) think that things just appear/disappear into nothing and nowhere.

The human body is made of particles of matter, just as stars are made of matter! When those particles come together into a marvelous living thing, we know that that living thing has a life. This process is VERY easy to explain and to understand if you wish to do a bit more reading on it. During the lifetime of a thing, including ourselves, we love and enjoy it. When it is no longer living, its particles break down into small particles again. This is called decomposition. You might look for more information on the carbon cycle, genetics, and cells.

My daughter Liz, age 16, says that atheist parents don’t “THANK” anyone for their children. Though they thank each other AND they are grateful for the chance to have children.

The complex reasons why things ~ARE~ is interesting and worth learning more about. There is a great deal of knowledge out there that is remarkable and exciting to learn!

Maybe Mia will be a scientist one day!

Not surprisingly I was very proud of how both of the kids "spoke" to Mr. Belew's daughter, though I doubt Mia actually got to read our comments. What did surprise me, though, was the fact that the blogger closed comments on that post for some reason...



You might also enjoy:
Atheists Cannot Experience True Joy
Top Ten Reasons Why Atheists Suck
My Parenting Manifesto

Transitions

So many of my friends are sending kids away to school this week. Many of the kids that Elizabeth and John have grown up with are heading out on their own journeys. Some on road trips, some to jobs, some to colleges... Many transitions all over the place going on...and I'm feeling it too.

Elizabeth has been in college for about three years, off and on, and John is starting full-time college in about a week. Yes, he has been taking a class or two here and there at the community college, but we've been homeschooling too. This week starts my first official week as a non-homeschooling parent.

Enter my own issue: empty nest.
I'm feeling it.
I feel on the verge of tears often, though I haven't mentioned it to anyone (except for the dental assistant yesterday...lol). My last baby is growing up. 
He is...growing up...

The boy who wore costumes, who played superheroes, who pretended well and fully, who played and played, who left toys everywhere, who made friendship look easy, whose sweet words made me speechless, who lived in his fabulous imagination, who was preternaturally mature, who wore capes or goggles or unusual hats, whose eyes would seek me out, who laughs, who pulls me tight for a hug, who always says You look nice, Mom, who has a life outside of me, who is preparing dinner for the family as I speak, who sometimes still sleeps with a rather large stuffed animal, who winks at me when he teases, who makes plans entirely independent from me, who has his own set of keys, who never forgets to kiss me goodnight, who looks to me for lesson plans, the boy who is my littlest one. 

What does this mean for me?
What will I do?

When I think about these questions the days seem to yawn ahead of me. I know it's just the beginning and I know that parents all over the place deal with this...but now it's me...

What will I do?

.........................................................
You might also enjoy:
Ninja Freak!
Small Things that are Huge
He Sees It: How the World Treats Women
A Letter to my Son

Should I Let My Mom Take my Child to Church?

It seems like such an innocuous request, they will say.
How petty are you?
Why can't Grandma just take your baby to church and and let her friends see her grandchild?
It's nothing!


But it's not nothing.
And it's not simple.
It's the mind of your child we're talking about here... and you know how great the church is at indoctrination and brainwashing. That is the fact that makes a church the most frightening place on the planet for our children's minds. The insidiousness aimed at the sweet, sweet hearts of our children.

Nothing I or anyone can write can address every possible scenario so I'll have to speak in generalities. But I stand by these words regardless of age, race, religion, etc...any characteristic.

Does Grandma have any rights here? Of course not, though we love our family members and we want to preserve our relationships as much as possible. The problem is that when religion is added to the mix, religion causes our family members to lose perspective. They lose their ability to think, our beloved relatives. Their fear and emotions get extraordinarily twisted and our loved ones get mired and inflexible in their dogma. 

You're going to read lots of people saying to you that it's OK and that there is a compromise. I would love to believe this. However my experience shows the opposite. One allowed visit leads to more and more requests, more and more pressure to challenge your stand on the issue: just a few days of VBS, just a nice program of children's music, just a quick visit for donuts, songs, a musical, a play, Christmas, Easter egg hunts. One visit will never be enough. It is truly a slippery slope...the entire time with you feeling like an ogre for standing on your sincerely-held decision to shield your children from indoctrination, indoctrination that is specially-designed to net children.

You want to be nice, who doesn't want to be nice?, but the cost is simply too high.

The church has set up an us vs. them paradigm and your beloved mother or father is, in their mind, fighting the good fight for their deity. It's extremely painful in the family dynamic, and a middle ground doesn't exist, sorry. I wish there was a compromise.


Let The Kids Decide
.
YES, sure, let them decide... once they have the ability to recognize propaganda, false claims, logical fallacies, once they have a general appreciation of basic science principles, and as soon as your family has had MANY conversations about religions and deities and our country's culture of religion, once your children are able to recognize propaganda. Otherwise your children might be attracted to the sweetness and treacle that is designed to appeal to good and sweet children who mean well and who want to do the right thing.

As in all things, trust yourself and your instincts.


I do take a hard line here. I know.
But the battle is, unfortunately, real. Our children's minds and hearts are at stake. We owe them.

What do you think?

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You might also like:
My Gift to You
Ghosts and Bedtime
Atheist Parenting: Talk About Sex

I'm Writing a Book

atheist parenting
I can't decide if this is a ridiculous idea or not, but I've decided to write a book for atheist parents. Does that sound crazy? Are there just too many books like that? Do I have anything at all to say? 

I don't know.
I know that the cool thing to do is to work on it and mention it just as it's about to be published...I'm not that cool.
There is nothing like writing to make you quite certain that you, actually, shouldn't be writing. Sorry for the crude metaphor but it's like hanging your ass out of the window and hoping that someone would pay to see it up close. Writing is such a vulnerable thing. Even writing a blog like this makes me feel quite vulnerable at times; now consider an entire book!

Do I have anything fresh to say? Yes, I thiiiiink I do.
Is my writing readable? I don't know, I hope so.
Would there be a market for a book on atheist parenting?
I think so. When I started parenting as an atheist almost twenty years ago I would have paid real dollars for a book like this. There are more books available now. But there are also more people coming out of the closet and looking for some guidance, community, wisdom...

I have to admit that I've been reading some atheist parenting books over the last month and I'm not very impressed with some of them; while I'm super impressed with others... 

So I started this project; I've been working on a book for a week or so and I'm fairly happy with it but I could use some input. What could I write about? What are subjects or topics or questions that interest you? What questions do you still have? What kind of information did you look for? Also, if I posted some questions or polls on this blog, would you answer them to help me out?

YES, I'm looking for ideas for more content.  :)

But even more, would you read a book by me? Would you recommend it to people? Am I too scattered to take seriously? Do I even need to be all that serious? I don't know...
I would truly LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear from you.

Please comment below OR send your comments to me at:
karen.thesecularparent (at) gmail.com