Sunday, December 12, 2010

Homeschooling: Chapter One

atheist homeschool
You return home from the library with your arms full of books:  HOMESCHOOL SELF HELP BOOKS.  Your husband will see them, pause, and say, “Honey, you promised yourself to not bring home anymore ‘how to homeschool your child’ books.  Remember?  You promised me!!!"

"Remember the last time? Remember how late you kept the kids up last time reading Twain, Ptolemy, Shakespeare? Honey, the kids are just now beginning to lose the whimper while they sleep. Our oldest has almost stopped the tic, it's almost unnoticeable now. Remember that time you didn’t sleep for forty-one hours straight while trying to construct a time line? The one that started in bedroom, ran down the hallway, around the house, and into the family room...

"Honey, please, remember the schedules? The attempts to create a homeschool curriculum from birth to age eighteen? The three year plan??? The single year plan? The monthly unit studies? Honey, do you remember the weekly memorization?  

"Why are you opening the book?! 

"Please, I could use your help moving the furniture around. Really, I have been wanting to see what that is growing out from under that base board by the patio door for a month or so now. It started growing there just a few days after the genetics experiments. 

Gee, I wonder if what we’ll find in these couch cushions, hmm? Let's vacuum! Come on, Honey. Put the book down and help me plan an Indian unit study. How about starting with a nice authentic Indian meal. We can use that dahl or we could make some nice Paneer Pakora. Let’s include some Indian map work complete with climate, political, and economic map studies. Do you know of any Indian philosophers? How about poetry? Art? Games??? Honey, PUT...THE BOOK...DOWN."

“We still have the completed dioramas of the Mayan temple or the Roman Gladiator scene.  I'm sure I could find them in the basement...boy, those were nice!  

"Hey, let’s go and get some ice cream, huh? 

"Remember those nerve pills, the ones the doctor prescribed after that time the kids decided that they all wanted to learn different percussion instruments. I still have those in the bathroom, can I get you one? I’m pretty sure there's one under the floss on the top shelf. Actually, hey, here’s the other homeschool helping book you started, here, under the table…it’s got some of that homemade playdough stuff on it...  Anyway, remember deciding to stop reading this book, Honey?  I remember you getting that look in your eyes; in fact, we’re still paying for that weekend getaway you needed… Hey, did the kids ever read any of these books over here? Nevermind, that’s not important now. Can I get you some tea?

"Look, Sweetie, the kids are here, wanting to play some multiplication game with a deck of cards. Maybe you'd prefer painting that popsicle stick Yert from yesterday's lesson. We could run down to the nursing home and sing some folk songs...I think I have that new Slovenian Folk Music book here somewhere. Look what I found! It's the puppet stage the kids love so much. Honey, let's take turns singing songs from 'Phantom of the Opera'; the kids know every word! Sing with us Honey.

"Honey. Honey, are you laughing? What are you laughing about? 
 ...Can I read it next? "

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