How to Teach Ethics to Our Children

My last post, all about ethics and relativism, was all about leading up to this post about how to teach our children to be ethical human beings. Interestingly, it's a pretty easy process. Which is great because the statistics are climbing, the number of atheists in this country has hit somewhere in the twenty percent range. That's ALOT of kids not getting their ethics from a religion...yay!

How do we do it?
By living it.

Our children watch us. They learn from making mistakes (and from not making mistakes). They learn when we make mistakes. They learn from the world around them. They learn from exploring issues. They learn from interacting with the people around them. They learn by how people treat them. They learn.

It's not done in weekly lessons; it's done living day by day by day. In the moment and over time. Trust me, they learn.


In fact, and I'm being completely honest here, I'm not at all sure that raising a child in the church is the most ethical things to do...
Do your research; you'll see what I mean.

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Atheist Morality

Without a doubt, one of the most common questions I've heard from people when they find that I'm an atheist, it is How can you have morality or morals without the Lord or religion.
Good grief. I've heard it thousands of times and, would you believe, I heard it this week...from a bunch of therapists. 😠

What prevents me from doing mean things?
What keeps me from hurting people?
Or killing  people?
What keeps me from breaking the law?

Good grief, and these people are absolutely serious when they ask these questions...so I'll proceed honestly.

Besides, the answers are easy ones.

First of all, a small matter of semantics. I prefer the term ethics over morality. I have, several times, talked about how I do not accept that religions own words. I do not reject the word morality because it is generally claimed by religions, but, rather, I claim the word ethics because it allows for a study of the world and for personal choices. It allows for the complexity of a range of choices, for explorations, and for corrections. It allows for personal choice.
So, yeah, ethics.

So what prevents me from killing people?
I do the right thing because it feels good. I do the right thing because my brain and my thoughts continually consider events from multiple perspectives. And I do the right thing because it is the right thing. I have, literally, raped and killed exactly as many times as I've wanted to.
Zero, of course.

God morality is black and white. Ethics recognize and appreciate the greys of life. A full respect for cultures and families and situations requires that we explore human behavior carefully. As a psychotherapist, I believe strongly that the need to do right (or ethics) requires us to explore, accept, even love a wide range of human behavior.

Secondly, ever heard of relativism?
Relativism tells us that what is wise, true, and good exist in relation to cultural and historical context and are, therefore, not absolute. Some may think that relativism leads to slippery slopes, but I think it leads to human wisdom, to individual wisdom. 

So, YES, it is not just possible to have morality without a deity, it's more likely.

This subject is very, very, very complex and some people study morality vs. ethics for years. 

This post is just my distilled thoughts on a complex matter. 

Take it for what it's worth.

Your thoughts?

I just stumbled upon this on FB about five minutes ago!

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Out-Dated Social Contruct Debacle

UUUGH, I had something happen yesterday and I have to share with other atheists, anti-theists, non-believers.
I'm a psychotherapist. I'm part of a group of other psychotherapists on FB.

So, yesterday someone posted "List an outdated social construct". Of course I wrote "religion".

Well, the pushback was immediate, ridiculous, mean, and continuous for about two hours until, DOY, I finally refused to respond. It was awful.

I took a break. About an hour or so later, the entire thread was REMOVED.

Like, WTF.
The entire experience upset me.

Raising Our Strong-Willed Children

This blog post is for you, Dear Parents of Strong-Willed Children.

For my long-time readers, those who have watched my children grow up over these last years of my blog, you will know that my daughter is now nearly twenty-three years of age. If you've followed me for awhile, you know that Elizabeth and I have learned so much together about what it means to be mother and daughter, how one grows up with a strong woman in your life, and how to continue loving and encouraging each other in this dynamic relationship of ours.

We have both learned alot.
If you're in the market to learn about parenting a strong and amazing human being like this, I hope you will take some time and read some of the other posts on this blog that are specific to our lives together. I have posted some of my favorites below, but there are many others to check out. In this blog I have often referred to these specific blog posts with the label challenging children. But, I regret that. Now I might call them Strong-willed children. For now, until I find a better term. Not that challenging is wrong. 😉

Elizabeth is at a very significant place in her life right now. In about a week she will take her final class in undergraduate studies and will be readying herself for a quarantine graduation. She and I have been talking quite a bit about what it has taken to get her to this point in her life in one piece, with some real success, and with this moment of launch that she is facing.

The damn quarantine is a difficult place for our kids, teens, and young adults to find themselves. Their minds and hearts are so vibrant and full; our homes are loving, but small for them. It takes all of our care and love to keep them going in this freaking tough time.

Here is a brief summary of what parents of Challenging Children need to understand and to learn:

• The answer is to NOT "break" her
• Do everything to allow her to keep her pride, keep her spirit
• Including celebrating that spirit
• They have to learn to control their passions in this world, to survive, to thrive, to make it.
• ME controlling her is wrong; I learned that the hard way many times.
• She needs my love, patience, approval, and, most of all, understanding.
• How much can I say 'yes' to her
• I'm her tether, though she kind of hates that fact 
• This is NOT a "behavioral problem", this is who she is.
• I must support her, even when I don't understand.
• She doesn't accept lessons from me; she has to learn them on her own.
• Use positive language when describing her; she is already critical of herself in her head.
• She always prefers having choices and always resents my choice.
• Give them LOTS of latitude, LOTS and lots of latitude! to explore their strong interests.
• Although she often behaves in very unloving ways, she needs my love the most at those times.
• She hates arguing with me as much as I hate arguing with her. Maybe more.
• She can get very mixed up in her own strong emotion and finds our relationship both a touchstone for centering and something she resents.
• Always correct and educate when the storm passes or at peace time - never during the storm.
  
• She's the best friend a mother could ask for. 

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Here's How These 80's Actresses Look Now

It's one of those social media tropes that you will find everywhere. Special click bait. Click here and see what that gorgeous woman from the 80's looks like now. What Time does to a person. It's unkind.

Have you seen even ONE of these pieces telling us just what Time will do to a male hottie? I haven't and I have specifically looked. This goes beyond a feminism thing. It's about humans!

I find these clip bait pieces infuriating. It's the shock value that they are going for and that's the low-hanging fruit of click bait. Who doesn't look older after thirty years? Thirty years are hard on a person's appearance. 

Eyes sag, puff, wrinkle. Skin fades, ages, wrinkles, discolor. Hair loses shine, greys, changes texture, grows in places other than one's head. Bodies gain weight, lose weight, lose their vitality, get out of shape. Clothes stop fitting so sweet, stop looking svelte, droop, get super tight. Voices thicken, crack, weaken, get gravely. These things are normal, perfectly normal.

Photographers cheer when they get a bad shot of a former beauty. As though beautiful people gall we average folk. As though we're happy to see the mighty fall. Our country rewards gaffs, falls on stairs, doughy middles, evidence of child birth, crows feet, nerves, lip sag, or grey hair with shame and derision. And the masses enjoy it. Why?

The gratuitous showcase of the ravages of time must be a huge draw for those who click. 

Every single human being ages. Every single beautiful person ages and loses some sparkle. Is this something to be shocked by? Other cultures worship, literally worship, age. 

I refuse to click on the bait. Do you?

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