Raising Our Strong-Willed Children

This blog post is for you, Dear Parents of Strong-Willed Children.

For my long-time readers, those who have watched my children grow up over these last years of my blog, you will know that my daughter is now nearly twenty-three years of age. If you've followed me for awhile, you know that Elizabeth and I have learned so much together about what it means to be mother and daughter, how one grows up with a strong woman in your life, and how to continue loving and encouraging each other in this dynamic relationship of ours.

We have both learned alot.
If you're in the market to learn about parenting a strong and amazing human being like this, I hope you will take some time and read some of the other posts on this blog that are specific to our lives together. I have posted some of my favorites below, but there are many others to check out. In this blog I have often referred to these specific blog posts with the label challenging children. But, I regret that. Now I might call them Strong-willed children. For now, until I find a better term. Not that challenging is wrong. 😉

Elizabeth is at a very significant place in her life right now. In about a week she will take her final class in undergraduate studies and will be readying herself for a quarantine graduation. She and I have been talking quite a bit about what it has taken to get her to this point in her life in one piece, with some real success, and with this moment of launch that she is facing.

The damn quarantine is a difficult place for our kids, teens, and young adults to find themselves. Their minds and hearts are so vibrant and full; our homes are loving, but small for them. It takes all of our care and love to keep them going in this freaking tough time.

Here is a brief summary of what parents of Challenging Children need to understand and to learn:

• The answer is to NOT "break" her
• Do everything to allow her to keep her pride, keep her spirit
• Including celebrating that spirit
• They have to learn to control their passions in this world, to survive, to thrive, to make it.
• ME controlling her is wrong; I learned that the hard way many times.
• She needs my love, patience, approval, and, most of all, understanding.
• How much can I say 'yes' to her
• I'm her tether, though she kind of hates that fact 
• This is NOT a "behavioral problem", this is who she is.
• I must support her, even when I don't understand.
• She doesn't accept lessons from me; she has to learn them on her own.
• Use positive language when describing her; she is already critical of herself in her head.
• She always prefers having choices and always resents my choice.
• Give them LOTS of latitude, LOTS and lots of latitude! to explore their strong interests.
• Although she often behaves in very unloving ways, she needs my love the most at those times.
• She hates arguing with me as much as I hate arguing with her. Maybe more.
• She can get very mixed up in her own strong emotion and finds our relationship both a touchstone for centering and something she resents.
• Always correct and educate when the storm passes or at peace time - never during the storm.
  
• She's the best friend a mother could ask for. 

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You Might Also Enjoy:
It's Going to be Worth it
My Thirteen Tips for Parenting your Strong-Willed Teen
My Best Days as a Mom

A Letter to Elizabeth in Korea

Dear Elizabeth:

On the other side of the planet, you are spreading your wings, stepping out, dancing in the sun, and exploring what you can do on your own. It's been incredibly surreal that I, a little girl from a small town, a girl from a very racist family, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks, have a daughter in KOREA, making meaning in her life! It's weird to think about how far your generation has moved from the generation before me!

This trip to Korea, I sincerely hope, is life-enriching and goal-creating for you. You have many secret dreams and wishes for your life and I hope that this brief trip to the literal other side of the planet, ON YOUR OWN, shows you your ability to rise above the difficulties and shows you your ability to absolutely shine in your own skin. With some time to ease into the summer, you have learned resilience and commitment in these first few weeks, Elizabeth, and it has been a real honor to be your mother, your life line, as you learn these things about yourself.

You have extended your hand again and again until some people finally had the courage to extend their hands back. I hope you notice that they were there all along, just unwilling or unable to take that courageous step as quickly as you could. Humans are difficult things to understand and to live with. But SOOoo worth it.
😉

And, Dear Korea, you small far-off country of large culture:

Look out, Dude, Elizabeth is COMING!!!!!!

With love, Mom

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You Might Also Enjoy:
Secular Student Alliance: Elizabeth Loethen

KPOP, EXO, and Kai

Got a Teen?

I found this online this morning and I had to share!
Thank you to my friend Julianna for posting first.

This piece was written by Gretchen Schmelzer PhD; I hope she doesn't mind that I'm sharing it here. 

About the author: Gretchen Schmelzer, PhD is a licensed psychologist, trained as a Harvard Medical School Fellow. She is a trauma survivor, who has worked for twenty-five years with the complex issues of trauma, integration and behavior change across every level of system from individuals, to groups, to large systems and countries, including her role as the expert consultant Frontline for their documentary on Alaskan survivors of priest sexual abuse (aired April 19, 2011). Gretchen is the Founder & Editor of Emotional Geographic, a web-mag created to support healing from long term trauma. www.emotionalgeographic.com

Rediscovering the Love of Homeschool

In the past week or so I've (still) been looking through old boxes and cleaning off my shelves. Many of the boxes contain our homeschool files from 2005 to now. I kept work from all disciplines in nicely organized folders.

*pats self on the back.

It is obvious that I don't need to keep all of these papers, but I have to keep some of them!!! The adorable early efforts at sentence writing, paragraphs, essays, stories, artwork, etc. Drawings of self and family and home. Doodles, attitude, and boredom. Some of these papers I would walk through a burning house for because they are a chronicle of the development of my children's identities. It's remarkable to see from this vantage point.

While looking through each file folder and reading page after page of the kids' work and page after page of my own notes, I feel like I've rediscovered a few things that I want to pass along to you if you are still in the early throes of homeschooling.

For example:

Doing lessons with kids is so much fun if you let it be. You truly don't have to struggle and stress about every little thing. You are in the process of teaching your children how to think, NOT what to think. You are teaching them that they may sometimes disagree with you, that they may stand alone at times and there is value in that, that learning/knowing more is FUN and feels amazing, that popular opinions aren't always the only options available, and you are teaching them that they have the ability and the responsibility to learn more, always more. They don't need to memorize state capitols and presidential dates. Learn the facts, yes, but learn the facts within the context of learning and thinking humans.

And there is math and science and art and music in every single day.

And you are teaching them that they can trust in you, trust in logic and reason, and ultimately trust in themselves. I recognize that it was my interactions with my kids that they took away from each lesson, in addition to the content of the lesson.

Did I leave them with:

You can do this, Momma, Dadda. You have the love, willingness, and heart that it takes to see your child as a unique individual with unique skills and challenges. Noone else can do this as well as you can with your child. Have patience with them. Have patience with yourself.

Tomorrow is another day.

Your thoughts on this?

KPOP, EXO, and Kai

Kai,
Need I say more?

SO, I have a child who is freaky obsessed with Korea. Elizabeth has generally taught herself Hangul, the language spoken by most Koreans; she can read, write, and speak it. She listens almost exclusively to KPOP, Korean pop music, and she is a huge fan of Korean dramas and film. At some point she plans on moving to Korea and teaching English as a Second Language. Naturally this Korea Love carries over into her writing life.

She has been an author as long as she could pick up a pencil, pen, or laptop. Long into the night she would either be reading or typing on her laptop, couldn't stop her. As she has moved into her teen years she and her friends discovered some Korean boy bands and became huge fans of them. Super Junior in all of its various iterations, Shinee, BTS, Infinite, and now EXO, these songs and bands have been the soundtrack of her life. Ask her to listen to American pop and she would decline.

For several years she has written tons of fan fiction from her various biases: Sherlock Holmes, Super Junior, Korean actors, and KPOP. I usually get to read her fan fic, but not always. Some of her stories are, according to Elizabeth, for mature audiences only and she doesn't like me to read those because it embarrasses her. But my experience with those stories have been good. Great, even.

But, Happy Day, today Elizabeth has given me the green light to share one of her fan fics with you, My Friends and Readers. This story is called Ruining Our Childhood and is a fantasy story about growing up with one of today's hottest Korean pop singers, someone in the Korean boy band called EXO, a singer named Kai. I read the story the other night and, although some errors stand out to me (I'm an editor at heart) the overall story was so good! She writes really great dialogue and can turn a phrase.

I hope you enjoy it and I welcome you to share the story with your friends' daughters who also love KPOP or romantic fiction. But be warned, those girls will become KPOP obsessed too.

Ruining Our Childhood

by Doctorholmes221

Part Four: Some Call them Whiners: Bottom Line

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Bottom line, if you are the mom of a challenging child, as I am, learn to respond to your child's extra-large emotions in a way that might seem counter intuitive. While it may seem the parental thing to do to help your child become a positive and optimistic human being, engaging in a tactic of this nature will absolutely backfire on you.

Instead of seeking to change your child, accept him or her. Instead of expecting a reasonable response, allow your child to express themselves without the slightest bit of criticism or disapproval. Don't fear. The storm will wind down, eventually. Do the thing that seems anomalous; do the thing that your mother will not understand; do the thing that others will call indulging and spoiling. Relax, remain calm, listen, stay close, love and accept your child through the hurricane of their emotional storm. Let them know that you are there. Be aware that it is not possible to change temperaments.

A reminder, though, that your own needs are super important, as if safety of all involved. If you need to take a break, if you need distance, if you need privacy, then take it! It is always the right thing to model self care. Not letting someone cut you down. Not allowing someone to shout into your face or injure you. Model the fact that it is always the right thing to expect to be treated appropriately. For example, if your challenging child is taking their frustrations out on you you are absolutely correct to remind them of your expectations for how to talk to you and to remove yourself if you are being abused. You may not talk to me in that manner because I will not stay in this room if you do. This is modeling appropriate behavior and it is taking care of yourself.

Liz
Then and Now

It will take awhile, but eventually your child will see your acceptance of, your acknowledgement of, your validation of their struggle and difficulty when it comes to handling such large emotions. Eventually your child will stop feeling the need to express all of that intrapsychic energy. Your child may lose the feeling that fighting is the only way to get support. He or she may stop feeling the need to make it dramatic to show how painful. And your child may finally stop feeling the need to be defensive of how overwhelming and lonely the conflict feels.

As parents, our goal is not to change our child into the sunny child we know would be happier and easier, though so many people struggle with this one for many years. I struggled and got stuck here for many years because I just knew she could be happier if she would only set aside the negativity and embraced the joys of life. I learned over time that a person's temperament is not a choice that they are making. It is a part of who they are.

With time, love, acknowledgement, respect, and patience, my daughter has evened out quite a bit. Today her explosions are waaaay shorter, less frequent, and very often they end with her expressing her understanding and seeing how to improve her choices. Today she is better able to avoid the drama altogether.

Empathy. That's the key.

I hope this series of blog posts was helpful.

I welcome your question and comments.
This is a work in progress!

 

Addendum, February 11, 2016

I just ran across this article from Huffington Post on highly-sensitive people and this one from a blog called The Simply Luxurious Life. I hope you read them!

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Other Posts you Might Enjoy:

Moving Into the Light
Part One: Some Call Them Whiners, The Challenge

Part Two: Some Call Them Whiners, Drawing a Picture
Part Three: Some Call Them Whiners, Have Courage

Advanced Anger Management
Putting the Children First: Karen Loethen's Thoughts

Part Three: Some Call Them "Whiners", Have Courage

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In this series of posts I have been exploring a particular temperament of person that I have termed "challenging". In my first post in the series I talked about some of the difficulties one might encounter when interacting with a person who carries the traits and in the second post I attempted to describe the traits with the caveat that I might be inventing an entirely new personality constellation of traits because I have never been able to find any literature or internet sites that were useful to me.

I fully admit that these writings are my own experiences and observations. In my life I have frequently been surrounded by people that I care for who I would suggest were challenging. People who are challenging me and challenging to themselves. People who have been beyond merely rebellious or sassy or demanding or provocative or quarrelsome or passionate or overwhelming and beloved people who have required me, as a person who regularly connects with them, to temper my interactions with intuitive mood and need recognition. It has often been my task to both determine crisis level and to figure out how to intervene. In other words, I've been the person who has to respond to their behavior.

And it's a real challenge, both to me and to the person who is my subject. I know that my compassion and effort to make sense of their super-strong needs and behavior and energy is a part of what makes things work for them. For the purpose of this blog post I will refer primarily to my relationship with my daughter. In simplest terms, it is our relationship that is healing and centering for her.

I am Elizabeth and
I approve of these posts.

For example, this week as I am working on this series of blog posts, it has been quite difficult in this house. She is upset about something and that thing is the size of an elephant to her. She can't handle the enormity of the feelings going on inside of her and it is spilling out all over the place to affect everyone else. 
If she's not happy, ain't nobody happy.

Elizabeth and I have a very close and loving relationship. Over the years I have taken the time, again and again, to really listen and display my sincere efforts to understand. I have shared my struggles with her with care and honestly. We have had effortful conversations about previous crisis events, looking at the crisis event closely. We have reviewed difficult times to find patterns, struggles, areas we could improve in our communication or where we can reduce assumptions. We have made our relationship a real place of connection. 

Because of the long-term growth and health of our relationship, she always knows that I am on her side. She knows that I am her ally. The fact that we have built this environment for her, this holding place, is healing for her in and of itself. She can bring stuff to me and begin to feel more in control of her highs and lows. Over the years we have talked very honestly about the extreme emotions that she feels and how the emotions are, sometimes, out of perspective.

If you are looking for specific interventions I've got some suggestions for you. Know that the process of getting to where we are today has taken time, authenticity, and sincere effort. Nothing happens in a day. Both Elizabeth and I have worked hard to understand what happens and how to effectively help.

Remember, our challenging person is feeling out of control. Their emotions are huge. They are looking for what I can only think to call a hug. An emotional or a verbal hug. You might think of it as an intervention or an intercession. Nonverbal hugs might be kind and loving words identifying the struggle we can see. They might be an acknowledgment that you see the struggle and you care. A nonverbal hug might be a simple reminder that you are there and listening and ready to help. This simple expression of genuine compassion and empathy helps our loved one to feel tethered, connected to something solid and safe.

The hug is needed when you feel the least like giving them one. 
When they feel the least deserving of it. 
That is why it is so powerful and true.

A Solution to their Current Problem

You don't need a solution; in fact, there is no solution. You can only offer yourself, your time, your genuine love and care. And this YOU that you offer, it is a process. Over time, your challenging person will find that some crises feel easier to cope with. Over time the crisis will be less dramatic and will last for shorter periods of time and they will be able to find a place of comfort of personal competency (efficacy) easier. Read on to understand this.

The Goal

The goal will never ever be to solve anyone's problems but will, instead, be to model self care, self comforting skills, problem solving, and mood management. In case you need a concrete example, there are times with my daughter when I draw her a nice bath, put on some soothing tunes, light a candle, and invite her to bask in the warmth. I explain that we are looking for a way to comfort her and this lovely interlude will help her to relax and slow things down so that she can think again. She connects those moments of comfort with the idea of how to handle overwhelming emotions and, today, can use that technique to sooth herself when she needs to relax. 

Easy? Obvious? 
Not to her.

Give the sympathy that the challenging person seems to crave. Recognize that the real issue at play here is an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness. Express the powerlessness that you see that they are feeling. Put words to it. Observe that yes, indeed, that is a problem. Yes, indeed, you are really struggling to figure this out. Yes, you feel that there may not be a solution. Maybe you feel to blame. Maybe you feel overwhelmed and terrified that your life will always be too large for you to handle.

Giving these verbal cues helps our challenging one to learn how to express their enormous and perplexing feelings with words.

Bottom Line

What? Am I saying that I don't try to cheer her up?
Don't offer obvious solutions to the presenting problem?
Am I saying that we don't try to solve the problem, the one that my challenging child is presenting in all of her explosive glory?
That's right! Offer one thing: empathy.

In the moment of crisis keep these things in mind:

• Acknowledge the frustration, the powerlessness, the enormity of the emotions that the challenging one is experiencing. Validation of their distress is key for this person in crisis. Sometimes validation happens just by being a patient listener.
• Remember that you cannot remove the issue or solve the problem.
• Ask the person if they want advice. If they do not, do not offer any. If they do, give simple suggestions and back off.
• Remind them that, while they may have caused some of the distressing issues with their behavior or choices, one of the realities of life is that it is difficult. At some other time, if appropriate, talk about contributing factors, but now simply remind them that they still deserve good things in life and that you are on their side.
• Encourage self-soothing behaviors, distraction, redirection, comforting things: music, healthy activity, walking, bike riding, art, sight seeing, writing, etc.
• Know that the person must move forward with or without you and determine how much time you can offer. 
• Express your sincerest certainty that they have what it takes to handle even the most challenging things and to come up with solutions and ways to move forward. This person is wise enough and capable enough to figure out the next step and the next; what they lack in the confidence to do so.
• The final piece of the puzzle for me was this: If you are a parent, love and accept your child as they are. There is no blame or reason for this temperament; there is only love and patience. You have not caused a challenging person to be negative and you cannot change it. You can only accept and love them, knowing that that is who they are. When you offer acceptance and understanding, only then will our challenging person realize that they can choose, grow, and improve their way of handling the difficulties that life throws at them.

Then later, at a moment when the crisis is over and all are able to think clearly again, find a relaxed time to look at the crisis event and determine what, if anything, could have been done differently. Suggest some obvious solutions if the problem still exists. Point out points of success in dealing with the situation. During this quieter time, discuss intervention options. (Do you want me to hug you? Should I offer suggestions? Did you like the way I spoke to you? etc) Remind your challenged loved one that they did, in fact, live through the crisis and they did, in fact, find a way to manage their emotions through it. Talk about how your personal emotions make it difficult or challenging during the crisis or how you handled yourself...just debrief objectively and personally.



These challenging people are our loved ones. They are not bad people. They are living with internal messages and doubts that seriously complicate their ability to handle even the most basic encounter with struggle. I am here to tell you that when we love and seek to understand the challenge of what it's like to be inside of the head of the challenging person, compassion comes.

Remember, they are not giving you a hard time (Well, they are, actually), they are having a hard time.

Our relationship with our loved challenging one is truly our best tool for helping them figure out how to move forward in life. We acknowledge that they are who they are, they will not be different, and now what. Now we assist them to learn what to do with it.
And that's progress.
...

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In the fourth and final post I will talk about additional ideas and suggestions for you, the person walking through life with a challenging person beside you.

Thank you for sticking with me for this blog series; figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life, yet I'm sure my efforts will fall short. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.


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Other Posts you Might Enjoy:
Moving Into the Light
With Flaws and All
My Daughter is Fierce!
Can I Rebel Now?
Part One: Some Call Them Whiners, The Challenge
Part Two: Some Call Them Whiners, Drawing a Picture
Advanced Anger Management

Part Two: Some Call them "Whiners", Drawing a Picture

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I think that at times in my life I have battled my own tendencies toward being a challenging temperament...a little. But I'm generally a very mellow person, quite low key. In my family growing up, some major people in my family are people who are of this temperament, challenging. Now with my daughter being of a challenging personality temperament, I'm the dang sandwich generation. 

No wonder this personality type has been the bane of my existence and the focus of so much of my energy and thought. Both my mother and my daughter mean alot to me and my relationship with each of them requires that I spend time contemplating situations: what is going on? What is hidden? What is being communicated? What will help the situation that my challenging one has created? What part have I played? When do I need some space? What is unsaid in this situation? 

What exactly do I mean when I talk about a challenging temperament? Let me describe the type of things you might notice in a person. But the truth is, I'm just flying by my own experiences here; your post might read differently.

In some families the challenging person is very often misunderstood and maligned. They are often called whiners, complainers, killjoys, bitches, and more. This person has exhausted people. These people may complain and be negative so much and so often that they push people away from them. Many people choose to stay away for the cycle of negativity that a person of this temperament might bear with them. I guess you can figure out your challenging person by how exhausted you feel after an interaction with them.

In my case, I generally see some of these things:

• This person is inconsolable. Their problems are larger and worse than yours.
• This person vacillates between depression and anger and feeling simultaneously powerless and at fault.
• When confronted, this person will reveal a complex morass of confusion and anger that doesn't seem to be based fully in reality.
• This person is convinced that no one can understand how difficult their life is.
• This person tends to react in fairly large ways because they are convinced that their emotions are far too large to contain. Additionally, they are convinced that they have every right to express those emotions freely and without check.
• Understanding and investigation happens second: reactive explosion happens first.
• The complaints are ongoing and seem to reflect obsessive thinking, or an inability to see beyond their own situation.
• This person may have frequent minor physical complaints and require special care.
• This person will explain why their issues are endless and will up the ante if you attempt to bring in a larger-world perspective.
• This person finds a certain amount of comfort or familiarity in their depression or sad state.
• This person might seem to be seething much of the time.
• This person might seem to resist intimacy while simultaneously crave it.
• Any attempt to be solution-focused is met with frustration, indignation, or exasperation.
• This person may feel defeated by life in general and alone in their battle with it.
• This person's reactions to seemingly small things reflects their perception that the world is unfairly stacked against them.
• And this person is completely unaware of how difficult, dramatic, and unrealistic their reactions are to handle and they seem to operate from a position of expecting to not be liked or loved.

Truly each challenging person has their own constellation of provocations and characteristics. Probably the threads running through many of these folks is the certainty that their conflicts are harder than most people's, that no one understands or appreciates their challenges, and that they don't have good self-soothe skills. Also, please note that these characteristics are listed from an outsider's perspective and not from the perspective of the person in question.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have I caught the essence of you or of your loved one? If so, please stick around. I have devised some efficacious actions and interventions that might be useful to you to explore and to understand.

___________________

In my third post of this series I plan on talking about what works if you are a challenging person or if you have a challenging person in your life. And the fourth and final post will talk about additional ideas and suggestions.

Figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life, yet I'm sure my efforts will fall short. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.

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Other Posts I Recommend:
Part One: Some Call them Whiners, The Challenge
A Parental Confession
It's Going to be Worth It
Shooshy: Raising My Daughter
Her Face

Part One: Some Call Them "Whiners", The Challenge

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Some people that I know, probably some people that you know, don't really seem to understand the challenging temperament of my challenging child. My daughter is infamous for her personality. Some people that I know think of her as spoiled, a Momma's Girl, a whiner, a grump, a general malcontent. I try to give these folks latitude for their opinions because they simply don't understand the struggle; in fact, some of these people are, themselves, of this temperament. Some of them are fairly negative, pessimistic people. Maybe they are projecting a bit. My observation is that there is far more to this challenging temperament than generally understood.

The point is that many people have a difficult time finding compassion in their hearts for that person who is extra sensitive, extra large emotions, and extra complex in their way of moving through the world. Here on my blog I have spent years trying to figure out just the right verbiage for referring to my daughter's temperament and I have, over time, decided to use the word challenging. I'd change that word in a moment if I discovered a better term. 

Challenging

The reason I use that word is because it describes both my interaction with her, her interaction with the world around her, and her interaction within herself. The word challenging takes into consideration the fact that she is as challenged as I am. 

I'm not going to kid you, a challenging child (or adult) is truly challenging whether you understand their inner life or not. But understanding the inner struggles, needs, and personal beliefs will help interpret the best way to help this person both work through the rough times and figure out how to move forward. Understanding might also allow you, the one who is struggling with challenging person in your life, figure out how to approach your beloved or essential person.

I have spent years, literal years, flying by the seat of my pants, using my instincts to figure out exactly what my daughter needed from me to manage those gigantic emotions that she was drowning in. I had no resources, no books or websites, no idea what was going on or what to do for her. All I knew was that her emotions were gigantic, she could not be comforted when in distress, and being solution-focused was annoying to her.

The only thing more upsetting to her during her most difficult periods was her perception that I would have the temerity to suggest that I might have a way out, a mediating idea, a solution. Her perception is that the highly impassioned periods of her life are overwhelmingly unsolvable and generally unique to her, poor thing. A complicating piece of the puzzle of these periods of high turmoil is her certainty that the problems of her life are far too large to handle in the usual way and that her emotions are too large to contain.

This four-part series will explore and attempt to explain this temperament type. Take my word for it, if you know a challenging someone or if you yourself have a challenging temperament, you will want to stick around. In the meantime, please stop using the word whiner!

____________________________________________________________________

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Join me next time when I talk a bit more about what it means to be Challenging. In a third blog post I plan on talking about what works if you are a challenging person or if you have a challenging person in your life. And the final post will take it one step further.

Figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.


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You might also enjoy:
Part Two: Some Call Them Whiners, Drawing a Picture
Challenging Teen, Redux
A Letter to the Parents of a "Difficult" Child
My Thirteen Tips for Parenting Your Strong-Willed Teen

Advanced Anger Management

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You've come a long way, Baby.

I don't know about you, but I have one of those kids who goes from 0 to Flip Out in about three seconds. From No-You-Can't-Do-That-Thing to My-Life-is-Completely-Over in the blink of an eye.

Over the years my daughter has worked hard on managing herself. The anger has become an issue lately but she's truly making an effort to get over the hump of an initial anger outburst. Most of the anger spawns from having so much pressure coming from so may different directions. What can we say; she's getting older and she has so more to do in life than she used to. Sometimes she gets overwhelmed. Her anger is one of her first go-to emotions when what she is really feeling is anxiety or frustration.

These last months and weeks she has really stepped up to the plate in figuring out how to handle herself in higher-stress situations. She has learned, in her journey toward happiness and anger management, that if she will explain her anger, rather than expressing it in a blow up, she will immediately begin to find solutions rather than arguments.

She is feeling empowered, hyped in her life, and more grown up.
And that's worth all of our efforts.

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You might also enjoy these posts:
Challenging Teen, Redux

My Thirteen Tips for Parenting Your Strong-Willed Teen

Proud Momma Moment: My Daughter's Rant

My College-Aged Homeschooled Daughter Gives Advice to Homeschooling Parents

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This evening my daughter and I have been talking about how she's doing in college, at work, and in general in her life. She is just so happy, productive, and feeling positive that I thought other homeschooling parents might enjoy hearing how she is doing.  Here is a short conversation that she and I had together for this blog post: 

Do you read my blog?

LOL, yes, Mom, I do read your blog from time to time. I will get on and read multiple posts in a row, but I don't really read it regularly.
Now I feel like a terrible daughter!  LOL

What do you think of my blog and of how I write about you?

I think your blog is very informative for parents who need it and an interesting read because of our lifestyle. We have unique experiences and we're a unique family with our reasons for homeschooling, our atheism, living out of the country, and other things. 

As for the way you write about me, I trust you. I'm fine with it because I know it's not too personal or anything, you share it with me before posting it, and I feel safe with your readers.

What are you doing these days?  

Still homeschooling?

LOL, no I've gotten away from that. I'm a part-time college student (she has three classes) and I'm loving it. I don't really homeschool anymore. I'm working alot of hours, doing homework, and keeping busy with theater and friends and things like that. I'm also taking private Korean lessons from a student at another college so I drive up to Washington University once or twice a week for those. I was just in a show at school that ended last week, so I'm getting used to having some free time again! I made a great friend during that show: the main character was played by a professor at school and she and I really became close; I love her; she's so amazing! I'm also working with you, Mom, with the photobooths and I love that. I'm doing some writing on my novel too, don't forget that.

And sadly, my best friend moved out to the west coast so, even though I have some friends, my best friend is gone!

Do you feel different from other students at school because you homeschooled?

At first I felt like it was obvious to everyone around me that I homeschooled, like it was seeping out of me Homeschooler here, Homeschooler here, can't function in a regular school environment!!!  I was afraid that I had Homeschooler tattooed onto my forehead! lol, but I know that that was my insecurities and anxieties about starting something new getting in the way. 
Between when I first started last spring and now, six semesters later, I know that I really do fit in perfectly and I know that having been homeschooled didn't impact me negatively at all. I feel like having been homeschooled makes me quite unique. No one really knows that I homeschooled unless I tell them and when I do, they are interested in what that was like for me. Most people are envious and wish that they had homeschooled too.

In fact, often when an instructor knows that I was homeschooled they tell me to tell Mom that she did a great job with me...as if!

How did being homeschooled prepare you for college?

It did in that we did our lessons, math and essays and things, that prepared me for what to expect in my classes. You taught me about note taking, reading and researching, and creating outlines of lectures. We read some great literature. We worked in groups with our co op. We did lots of writing, essays, papers, poetry. I knew what would be expected of me by teachers. And, in fact, I'm quite good in my classes. Right now I'm in a writing class where we do peer reviews and my fellow students frequently enjoy my writing and are impressed with my ability to write well.

Also, my first semester in college I didn't take college-level classes but college-prep classes and those courses also helped me to prepare for college-level work and, more importantly, showed me that I was fully capable of doing this work.

Do you have advice for new homeschooling parents?

I would say to relax a little! Don't feel like you need to push lessons or information on kids. They need to be active and free and to follow their own interests. Don't get upset if they want to play instead of wanting to learn. Kids in schools are trapped in a 2x2 desk! You have an advantage in that you don't have to spend four or five weeks on a subject if you don't need to put in that kind of time; as soon as your child gets it you can move forward. Or if your child needs more time you can give them that too. There is no wasted time at all and alot less stress.

If your child gets does feel overloaded or stressed out or they need a break go read a book, put on a costume and play, do some art work. Use that advantage of not having learning time be between the hours of 9 and 3.
OH, and play alot!

Anything else?

Try not to get frustrated in your child doesn't get something right away. We've learned that children learn at different rates. If they don't get something now, put it away and bring it back in a month or two.
My brother and I are very close, we're both very close to Mom and Dad too, so that is another homeschool advantage! But mostly enjoy your time together; it will be worth it!

What would you ask her, if you could?
Check back for answers.

ADDENDUM, 10/12/2015

Question from reader Amy to Elizabeth: What would be the one - or three- things you wished you would have learned (or done) to help prepare you for college that were missed?

Honestly, nothing academic. If you aren't college-level when you get to college, there are prep classes you can take to get you up to speed. Academics can be fixed there; that's what college is there for. There were dozens of adults in my below-college-level math class.

I wish I would have known how expensive it is. Because even community college is SUPER expensive and I feel like a burden to my parents. Even if deep down I know I'm not a burden at all, I still feel it. Now that I'm working toward independence I know the financial commitment that they have made to me, though they would never say that. I feel like, early on, as soon as conversations about college start happening, parents might start talking about the expense of college. That way kids who might want to help with the cost of it might want to think about how to prepare themselves to help with that financial burden.

For a long time I've had this thought, I felt like I knew what kids out there would be like...like the snotty kids in movies, and I thought that was how kids are. But in college you realize that some people are, in face, still stuck in high school but most of them are not. Most of them are really nice people who want to befriend you and make you a part of their friend circle. It helps to actively pursue friendships rather than wait for them to come to you.

You think homework in homeschool is bad now? Homework in college will kick your butt. You have to stick with it, put your head down, and do it right away because there is no time to put it off. Not going to lie, for some classes you can get away without getting the homework done, but most of them require that you do it. I enjoy getting good grades and that requires that the work gets done on time.  

Thanks for asking!  ~Liz

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Time4learning

time4learning review

My son and I have been looking at online curriculum lately. He definitely needs more structure and he's very motivated to take on more lessons. In the past we have never even considered doing lessons in this way, so the entire world of online curriculum is new to us, except for courses like those from The Great Courses through The Teaching Company, which have been truly excellent. 

After spending a few hours together looking at various online curriculum, John and I have decided to give Time4learning a try! First, it is affordable. Second, I love that we can select various "levels" of a given subject at any time. Being hardcore homeschoolers we're never really sure what grade he is working in and it has simply never been important to us. So the freedom to move through the levels is essential to figuring out John's starting point and his trajectory through the material.

Third, while looking at animation on other sites John would just cover his eyes and shake his head. How is an educational site going to compete with the animation on games these days?! They can't, of course, but the animation that we demoed on Time4learning didn't attempt ridiculous humor and didn't... try too hard, if you know what I mean. It was entertaining at times, but didn't use stupid humor like others we looked at.

Fourth, the Time4learning lessons seem preferable and more flexible to us than other online programs we looked at, which include Calvert, Oak Meadow, and a few others I can't recall the names of right now. Fifth, John actually looks enthusiastic about starting the work...and I'm happy about that. Sixth, I'm looking forward to not having to purchase hundreds of dollars of materials (as Calvert required) because all materials with Time4learning are all available online.

If you are using time4learning

 please comment below 

and let me know what you think!  

And STAY TUNED for our experiences with this program!

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