Part Four: Some Call them Whiners: Bottom Line

atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent challenging child challenging child challenging child highly sensitive children highly sensitive children

Bottom line, if you are the mom of a challenging child, as I am, learn to respond to your child's extra-large emotions in a way that might seem counter intuitive. While it may seem the parental thing to do to help your child become a positive and optimistic human being, engaging in a tactic of this nature will absolutely backfire on you.

Instead of seeking to change your child, accept him or her. Instead of expecting a reasonable response, allow your child to express themselves without the slightest bit of criticism or disapproval. Don't fear. The storm will wind down, eventually. Do the thing that seems anomalous; do the thing that your mother will not understand; do the thing that others will call indulging and spoiling. Relax, remain calm, listen, stay close, love and accept your child through the hurricane of their emotional storm. Let them know that you are there. Be aware that it is not possible to change temperaments.

A reminder, though, that your own needs are super important, as if safety of all involved. If you need to take a break, if you need distance, if you need privacy, then take it! It is always the right thing to model self care. Not letting someone cut you down. Not allowing someone to shout into your face or injure you. Model the fact that it is always the right thing to expect to be treated appropriately. For example, if your challenging child is taking their frustrations out on you you are absolutely correct to remind them of your expectations for how to talk to you and to remove yourself if you are being abused. You may not talk to me in that manner because I will not stay in this room if you do. This is modeling appropriate behavior and it is taking care of yourself.

Liz
Then and Now

It will take awhile, but eventually your child will see your acceptance of, your acknowledgement of, your validation of their struggle and difficulty when it comes to handling such large emotions. Eventually your child will stop feeling the need to express all of that intrapsychic energy. Your child may lose the feeling that fighting is the only way to get support. He or she may stop feeling the need to make it dramatic to show how painful. And your child may finally stop feeling the need to be defensive of how overwhelming and lonely the conflict feels.

As parents, our goal is not to change our child into the sunny child we know would be happier and easier, though so many people struggle with this one for many years. I struggled and got stuck here for many years because I just knew she could be happier if she would only set aside the negativity and embraced the joys of life. I learned over time that a person's temperament is not a choice that they are making. It is a part of who they are.

With time, love, acknowledgement, respect, and patience, my daughter has evened out quite a bit. Today her explosions are waaaay shorter, less frequent, and very often they end with her expressing her understanding and seeing how to improve her choices. Today she is better able to avoid the drama altogether.

Empathy. That's the key.

I hope this series of blog posts was helpful.

I welcome your question and comments.
This is a work in progress!

 

Addendum, February 11, 2016

I just ran across this article from Huffington Post on highly-sensitive people and this one from a blog called The Simply Luxurious Life. I hope you read them!

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Other Posts you Might Enjoy:

Moving Into the Light
Part One: Some Call Them Whiners, The Challenge

Part Two: Some Call Them Whiners, Drawing a Picture
Part Three: Some Call Them Whiners, Have Courage

Advanced Anger Management
Putting the Children First: Karen Loethen's Thoughts

Part Three: Some Call Them "Whiners", Have Courage

atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent highly sensitive people highly sensitive children highly sensitive children highly sensitive children

In this series of posts I have been exploring a particular temperament of person that I have termed "challenging". In my first post in the series I talked about some of the difficulties one might encounter when interacting with a person who carries the traits and in the second post I attempted to describe the traits with the caveat that I might be inventing an entirely new personality constellation of traits because I have never been able to find any literature or internet sites that were useful to me.

I fully admit that these writings are my own experiences and observations. In my life I have frequently been surrounded by people that I care for who I would suggest were challenging. People who are challenging me and challenging to themselves. People who have been beyond merely rebellious or sassy or demanding or provocative or quarrelsome or passionate or overwhelming and beloved people who have required me, as a person who regularly connects with them, to temper my interactions with intuitive mood and need recognition. It has often been my task to both determine crisis level and to figure out how to intervene. In other words, I've been the person who has to respond to their behavior.

And it's a real challenge, both to me and to the person who is my subject. I know that my compassion and effort to make sense of their super-strong needs and behavior and energy is a part of what makes things work for them. For the purpose of this blog post I will refer primarily to my relationship with my daughter. In simplest terms, it is our relationship that is healing and centering for her.

I am Elizabeth and
I approve of these posts.

For example, this week as I am working on this series of blog posts, it has been quite difficult in this house. She is upset about something and that thing is the size of an elephant to her. She can't handle the enormity of the feelings going on inside of her and it is spilling out all over the place to affect everyone else. 
If she's not happy, ain't nobody happy.

Elizabeth and I have a very close and loving relationship. Over the years I have taken the time, again and again, to really listen and display my sincere efforts to understand. I have shared my struggles with her with care and honestly. We have had effortful conversations about previous crisis events, looking at the crisis event closely. We have reviewed difficult times to find patterns, struggles, areas we could improve in our communication or where we can reduce assumptions. We have made our relationship a real place of connection. 

Because of the long-term growth and health of our relationship, she always knows that I am on her side. She knows that I am her ally. The fact that we have built this environment for her, this holding place, is healing for her in and of itself. She can bring stuff to me and begin to feel more in control of her highs and lows. Over the years we have talked very honestly about the extreme emotions that she feels and how the emotions are, sometimes, out of perspective.

If you are looking for specific interventions I've got some suggestions for you. Know that the process of getting to where we are today has taken time, authenticity, and sincere effort. Nothing happens in a day. Both Elizabeth and I have worked hard to understand what happens and how to effectively help.

Remember, our challenging person is feeling out of control. Their emotions are huge. They are looking for what I can only think to call a hug. An emotional or a verbal hug. You might think of it as an intervention or an intercession. Nonverbal hugs might be kind and loving words identifying the struggle we can see. They might be an acknowledgment that you see the struggle and you care. A nonverbal hug might be a simple reminder that you are there and listening and ready to help. This simple expression of genuine compassion and empathy helps our loved one to feel tethered, connected to something solid and safe.

The hug is needed when you feel the least like giving them one. 
When they feel the least deserving of it. 
That is why it is so powerful and true.

A Solution to their Current Problem

You don't need a solution; in fact, there is no solution. You can only offer yourself, your time, your genuine love and care. And this YOU that you offer, it is a process. Over time, your challenging person will find that some crises feel easier to cope with. Over time the crisis will be less dramatic and will last for shorter periods of time and they will be able to find a place of comfort of personal competency (efficacy) easier. Read on to understand this.

The Goal

The goal will never ever be to solve anyone's problems but will, instead, be to model self care, self comforting skills, problem solving, and mood management. In case you need a concrete example, there are times with my daughter when I draw her a nice bath, put on some soothing tunes, light a candle, and invite her to bask in the warmth. I explain that we are looking for a way to comfort her and this lovely interlude will help her to relax and slow things down so that she can think again. She connects those moments of comfort with the idea of how to handle overwhelming emotions and, today, can use that technique to sooth herself when she needs to relax. 

Easy? Obvious? 
Not to her.

Give the sympathy that the challenging person seems to crave. Recognize that the real issue at play here is an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness. Express the powerlessness that you see that they are feeling. Put words to it. Observe that yes, indeed, that is a problem. Yes, indeed, you are really struggling to figure this out. Yes, you feel that there may not be a solution. Maybe you feel to blame. Maybe you feel overwhelmed and terrified that your life will always be too large for you to handle.

Giving these verbal cues helps our challenging one to learn how to express their enormous and perplexing feelings with words.

Bottom Line

What? Am I saying that I don't try to cheer her up?
Don't offer obvious solutions to the presenting problem?
Am I saying that we don't try to solve the problem, the one that my challenging child is presenting in all of her explosive glory?
That's right! Offer one thing: empathy.

In the moment of crisis keep these things in mind:

• Acknowledge the frustration, the powerlessness, the enormity of the emotions that the challenging one is experiencing. Validation of their distress is key for this person in crisis. Sometimes validation happens just by being a patient listener.
• Remember that you cannot remove the issue or solve the problem.
• Ask the person if they want advice. If they do not, do not offer any. If they do, give simple suggestions and back off.
• Remind them that, while they may have caused some of the distressing issues with their behavior or choices, one of the realities of life is that it is difficult. At some other time, if appropriate, talk about contributing factors, but now simply remind them that they still deserve good things in life and that you are on their side.
• Encourage self-soothing behaviors, distraction, redirection, comforting things: music, healthy activity, walking, bike riding, art, sight seeing, writing, etc.
• Know that the person must move forward with or without you and determine how much time you can offer. 
• Express your sincerest certainty that they have what it takes to handle even the most challenging things and to come up with solutions and ways to move forward. This person is wise enough and capable enough to figure out the next step and the next; what they lack in the confidence to do so.
• The final piece of the puzzle for me was this: If you are a parent, love and accept your child as they are. There is no blame or reason for this temperament; there is only love and patience. You have not caused a challenging person to be negative and you cannot change it. You can only accept and love them, knowing that that is who they are. When you offer acceptance and understanding, only then will our challenging person realize that they can choose, grow, and improve their way of handling the difficulties that life throws at them.

Then later, at a moment when the crisis is over and all are able to think clearly again, find a relaxed time to look at the crisis event and determine what, if anything, could have been done differently. Suggest some obvious solutions if the problem still exists. Point out points of success in dealing with the situation. During this quieter time, discuss intervention options. (Do you want me to hug you? Should I offer suggestions? Did you like the way I spoke to you? etc) Remind your challenged loved one that they did, in fact, live through the crisis and they did, in fact, find a way to manage their emotions through it. Talk about how your personal emotions make it difficult or challenging during the crisis or how you handled yourself...just debrief objectively and personally.



These challenging people are our loved ones. They are not bad people. They are living with internal messages and doubts that seriously complicate their ability to handle even the most basic encounter with struggle. I am here to tell you that when we love and seek to understand the challenge of what it's like to be inside of the head of the challenging person, compassion comes.

Remember, they are not giving you a hard time (Well, they are, actually), they are having a hard time.

Our relationship with our loved challenging one is truly our best tool for helping them figure out how to move forward in life. We acknowledge that they are who they are, they will not be different, and now what. Now we assist them to learn what to do with it.
And that's progress.
...

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In the fourth and final post I will talk about additional ideas and suggestions for you, the person walking through life with a challenging person beside you.

Thank you for sticking with me for this blog series; figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life, yet I'm sure my efforts will fall short. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.


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Other Posts you Might Enjoy:
Moving Into the Light
With Flaws and All
My Daughter is Fierce!
Can I Rebel Now?
Part One: Some Call Them Whiners, The Challenge
Part Two: Some Call Them Whiners, Drawing a Picture
Advanced Anger Management

Part Two: Some Call them "Whiners", Drawing a Picture

highly sensitive children highly sensitive child atheist parent challenging child. atheist parent highly sensitive children eist parent challenging children c

I think that at times in my life I have battled my own tendencies toward being a challenging temperament...a little. But I'm generally a very mellow person, quite low key. In my family growing up, some major people in my family are people who are of this temperament, challenging. Now with my daughter being of a challenging personality temperament, I'm the dang sandwich generation. 

No wonder this personality type has been the bane of my existence and the focus of so much of my energy and thought. Both my mother and my daughter mean alot to me and my relationship with each of them requires that I spend time contemplating situations: what is going on? What is hidden? What is being communicated? What will help the situation that my challenging one has created? What part have I played? When do I need some space? What is unsaid in this situation? 

What exactly do I mean when I talk about a challenging temperament? Let me describe the type of things you might notice in a person. But the truth is, I'm just flying by my own experiences here; your post might read differently.

In some families the challenging person is very often misunderstood and maligned. They are often called whiners, complainers, killjoys, bitches, and more. This person has exhausted people. These people may complain and be negative so much and so often that they push people away from them. Many people choose to stay away for the cycle of negativity that a person of this temperament might bear with them. I guess you can figure out your challenging person by how exhausted you feel after an interaction with them.

In my case, I generally see some of these things:

• This person is inconsolable. Their problems are larger and worse than yours.
• This person vacillates between depression and anger and feeling simultaneously powerless and at fault.
• When confronted, this person will reveal a complex morass of confusion and anger that doesn't seem to be based fully in reality.
• This person is convinced that no one can understand how difficult their life is.
• This person tends to react in fairly large ways because they are convinced that their emotions are far too large to contain. Additionally, they are convinced that they have every right to express those emotions freely and without check.
• Understanding and investigation happens second: reactive explosion happens first.
• The complaints are ongoing and seem to reflect obsessive thinking, or an inability to see beyond their own situation.
• This person may have frequent minor physical complaints and require special care.
• This person will explain why their issues are endless and will up the ante if you attempt to bring in a larger-world perspective.
• This person finds a certain amount of comfort or familiarity in their depression or sad state.
• This person might seem to be seething much of the time.
• This person might seem to resist intimacy while simultaneously crave it.
• Any attempt to be solution-focused is met with frustration, indignation, or exasperation.
• This person may feel defeated by life in general and alone in their battle with it.
• This person's reactions to seemingly small things reflects their perception that the world is unfairly stacked against them.
• And this person is completely unaware of how difficult, dramatic, and unrealistic their reactions are to handle and they seem to operate from a position of expecting to not be liked or loved.

Truly each challenging person has their own constellation of provocations and characteristics. Probably the threads running through many of these folks is the certainty that their conflicts are harder than most people's, that no one understands or appreciates their challenges, and that they don't have good self-soothe skills. Also, please note that these characteristics are listed from an outsider's perspective and not from the perspective of the person in question.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have I caught the essence of you or of your loved one? If so, please stick around. I have devised some efficacious actions and interventions that might be useful to you to explore and to understand.

___________________

In my third post of this series I plan on talking about what works if you are a challenging person or if you have a challenging person in your life. And the fourth and final post will talk about additional ideas and suggestions.

Figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life, yet I'm sure my efforts will fall short. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.

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Other Posts I Recommend:
Part One: Some Call them Whiners, The Challenge
A Parental Confession
It's Going to be Worth It
Shooshy: Raising My Daughter
Her Face

Part One: Some Call Them "Whiners", The Challenge

highly sensitive child highly sensitive child highly sensitive child atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent atheist parent 

Some people that I know, probably some people that you know, don't really seem to understand the challenging temperament of my challenging child. My daughter is infamous for her personality. Some people that I know think of her as spoiled, a Momma's Girl, a whiner, a grump, a general malcontent. I try to give these folks latitude for their opinions because they simply don't understand the struggle; in fact, some of these people are, themselves, of this temperament. Some of them are fairly negative, pessimistic people. Maybe they are projecting a bit. My observation is that there is far more to this challenging temperament than generally understood.

The point is that many people have a difficult time finding compassion in their hearts for that person who is extra sensitive, extra large emotions, and extra complex in their way of moving through the world. Here on my blog I have spent years trying to figure out just the right verbiage for referring to my daughter's temperament and I have, over time, decided to use the word challenging. I'd change that word in a moment if I discovered a better term. 

Challenging

The reason I use that word is because it describes both my interaction with her, her interaction with the world around her, and her interaction within herself. The word challenging takes into consideration the fact that she is as challenged as I am. 

I'm not going to kid you, a challenging child (or adult) is truly challenging whether you understand their inner life or not. But understanding the inner struggles, needs, and personal beliefs will help interpret the best way to help this person both work through the rough times and figure out how to move forward. Understanding might also allow you, the one who is struggling with challenging person in your life, figure out how to approach your beloved or essential person.

I have spent years, literal years, flying by the seat of my pants, using my instincts to figure out exactly what my daughter needed from me to manage those gigantic emotions that she was drowning in. I had no resources, no books or websites, no idea what was going on or what to do for her. All I knew was that her emotions were gigantic, she could not be comforted when in distress, and being solution-focused was annoying to her.

The only thing more upsetting to her during her most difficult periods was her perception that I would have the temerity to suggest that I might have a way out, a mediating idea, a solution. Her perception is that the highly impassioned periods of her life are overwhelmingly unsolvable and generally unique to her, poor thing. A complicating piece of the puzzle of these periods of high turmoil is her certainty that the problems of her life are far too large to handle in the usual way and that her emotions are too large to contain.

This four-part series will explore and attempt to explain this temperament type. Take my word for it, if you know a challenging someone or if you yourself have a challenging temperament, you will want to stick around. In the meantime, please stop using the word whiner!

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Join me next time when I talk a bit more about what it means to be Challenging. In a third blog post I plan on talking about what works if you are a challenging person or if you have a challenging person in your life. And the final post will take it one step further.

Figuring this temperament out has been an important goal in my life. Not only is my own beloved daughter of this temperament but others in my family as well. If you are of this temperament or if you love someone of this temperament, stay with me. I hope you will share your thoughts on this series of posts as well. I'm not a scientist, but I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and I'd love to hear your thoughts, struggles, and insights as well.


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You might also enjoy:
Part Two: Some Call Them Whiners, Drawing a Picture
Challenging Teen, Redux
A Letter to the Parents of a "Difficult" Child
My Thirteen Tips for Parenting Your Strong-Willed Teen