Down By Byron Bay

About two hours south of our Brisbane home is a touristy little beach called Byron Bay located in the far northeastern corner of the Australian state of New South Wales. Fun fact: Byron Bay is the furthest east mainland point of Australia. This beautiful little spot was known by the aboriginals who lived here as Cavvanbah, meaning Meeting Place. It is now known as Byron Bay, named after John Byron, circumnavigator of the globe and grandfather of the poet Lord Byron. Somewhere I read that this bay was formed by an ancient volcanic explosion several millennium ago.

The kids and I drove down to Byron Bay one cloudy day this week. It was an absolutely gorgeous and warm day, but cloudy and threatening rain. The sea was being surfed by some seasoned surfers while I talked to a guy who was in his sixties and who told me that he has surfed this beach almost every day of his life since he was a three years old. Although Elizabeth smiled at this rugged looking fellow, other surfers had her eye, as did the cool shipwreck out in the bay. 

The Wreck

Visible about thirty meters off shore is the shipwreck of the Wollongbar. A local told me that this ship sank during a cyclone early in the 20th century and has been a tourist site ever since. My pic of the ship wreck shows you that this section of the beach is a favorite spot to surf in the middle of the day. Although I didn't get a great shot of the surfers, they were enjoying the curls rushing past this favorite surf spot on the beach. We saw about three dozen surfers in the area, surfing with tremendous skill on the two foot curls we were getting that day. The kids and I enjoyed the rush of this spot from our safe spot on the beach.

Two Sisters Rock

Whale hunting and shipping may have been the reason most European settlers came here but I'm pretty sure that surfing is the main game of the day nowadays. Two Sisters Rock is visible about a kilometer off shore. This iconic rock formation has a Dreamtime story with the aboriginals which tells of three sisters who were swimming together out in the sea. With this part of the ocean being a whale migration highway, I'm surprised that this rock formation doesn't have some sort of story about whales because it looks alot like some kind of whale tangle to me.

Much of the time we were at the beach and on the esplanade we kept finding ourselves wishing we could go back in time to the days of the Arakwal Peoples who lived in this area before European exploration so we could view this spot in its natural state. What a meeting place it must have been. 

Eastern Water Dragon

Lucky for us, the kids and I didn't have to imagine the natural state of this beach for long. We saw this little guy hanging out on the beach and knew that his ancestors have occupied this space for hundreds of years... Some long-haired, burnt out local tried to tell us that this guy is a frill dragon, but we knew better. We did a little research and discovered that he is an Eastern Water Dragon. You can't tell his size from this pic, but he was about three feet long, very still, and seemed to want to dig under a large rock right there near us. Probably looking for food.

Byron Bay has become a hot tourist spot for the long-haired hippies of today. It's mellow, Man. This coastline is beautiful. I have been here on a very sunny day and the colors are just astonishing. The town's laid back, alternative lifestyle means that New Age spirituality and prayer beads are ubiquitous on the little village area. I understand that ocean births, raves, and pagan gatherings are all fairly common at this beach. The business district has about a hundred cool shops and restaurants. Backpackers have two different inns to stay in. So expect to see tons of young ones here. But unlike the touristy surf beaches to the north, Surfers Paradise and Gold Coast most notably, this beach and vicinity has a lovely small town feel to it. 

Elizabeth really wants come back here one day on her own or with friends. She states that she plans to never smoke pot or drink alcohol. So I'm not at all sure what she will do in Byron Bay but I do hope she will come back!

The day we visited Byron Bay was just your average day in the middle of the week, yet the streets were teeming with young people on skateboards, bikes, feet, carrying surf boards, wearing sunnies, and generally hanging out. I felt absolutely ancient. I'm not sure if much gets done here during the day, but it was fairly obvious to me that a good deal of partying happens when the sun goes down. As for us, we enjoyed a little shopping in the eclectic downtown area and a nice cup of tea at a nice outside coffee shop.

There was more to do and to see at Byron Bay but we had miles and miles to drive before we got home and as we pulled onto the highway...the rain started.

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If you enjoyed this post, click on:  Homeschooling and our Trip to Melbourne VIC
Or you may enjoy reading:  Our Aussie Treasures

Or try this one:  Homeschooling at Tangalooma Island Resort

Atheists Cannot Experience True Joy

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Atheists cannot feel joy, or so some Christians and other believers fear. Implicit in such a statement is that my family and I are suffering, wounded, lost, powerless, or living meaningless lives. I understand your fear there, People Who Practice a Religion, for I know where those beliefs begin. Your religion tells you that to be among the faithless is a fearful thing.

I remember sitting in the pews and hearing the priest tell me about hell, about how God knows my every thought, about how Hell is a place for the unbeliever, the sinner. I know the heart-clenching terror of even just imagining what it would be like to entertain doubt or of getting too close to a person who did not live the way of the church.  I remember laying awake at night literally fearful of the pain and anger in my brain because I did not want God to disapprove. I remember the regular infusions from the church, from a priest that I loved and respected, of the fear of sin and sinners. I remember honest dread and anxiety of even the thought of something outside of the true church teachings. And I recall lying awake at night in fear and panic of spirits and all things unseen.

Now, as a freethinker and a skeptic, my fears are the opposite. My fears now are for the confusion and alarm that belief in a deity brings to the good people of the world. It hurts me to see how religion can cause such states of joylessness for people that I care about. Yes, people who are truly good and kind, people who experience guilt and shame, who feel damaged inside without their god, people who fear that humans are inherently flawed or sinful. It breaks my heart to see dear people wrestle with these demons.

It is painful to hear dear friends struggle with intense feelings of anxiety, especially when faced with the big questions of meaning and death. Religions attempt offer good things on the other side, but not here on earth, not in this life. The churches tend to extend the promise of a lovely afterlife in a heavenly place while offering very little genuine comfort in this real life.

I know, it's an old drum I am banging.

I have a real problem with guilt and shame and I feel angry about it quite often.

Then I turn around and someone is suggesting to me that maybe I am lacking joy in my life.
REALLY?!  Joy?!

Please, do not feel fearful on my behalf. Do not extend an insulting offer of pity. Do not put the fears of your religion onto my life for I have removed them good and well myself.

And I promise that I am not offering this post loaded with any sarcasm or any disingenuous sense all. I offer sincere affection and respect for every human within my reach.

I assure you, I have chosen a very deliberate path in my life. I have never been more found!

My life and the lives of my children are full and joyful. We have a deep and meaningful connection with this earth, with the depths of the sea, with the heights of the atmosphere. We find meaning and awe in the wonders of biology, chemistry, physics, astronomy, anthropology, and rational thought.

Exploring the world through the lenses of scientific exploration and understanding brings the most sublime kind of connection. Understanding the knowable natural laws and cycles of our earth bring such awe for the grandeur of this planet. And understanding human nature gives me a deep love and hope for our species.

Bringing up freethinking children is a gift that I offer to the generations, it is my contribution to a wiser, safer, healthier, happier future of our species. Through my children and through my acts during my life I am making a difference on this planet.

I remember, as a girl, I read a Christian magazine that came to our home each month. There was a story about a weaver in a small village who felt that his life was meaningless. He struggled with that very human angst throughout the story until he went to the manger where a small child was wrapped up in a blanket of his making. He saw how important his work was.

It is a lovely story that has stayed with me for all of these years. When I read that story four decades ago I promised myself that I would always think of ways that my actions would have impact on the world around me even without my knowing it. As an atheist, I see that even more clearly now. As parents I'm quite sure that we all can see that more clearly. I know that I am weaving my small little blanket that will warm future generations.

So please, Dear Friends Who Worry and Fear, do not worry and fear! And Friends who Pity Me, please do not offer such things to me.

I am exactly where I want to be. I am exactly who I wish to be. I am living a life that I have chosen freely and with deliberation. I am living an informed life. I am living a generous and kind life, a highly ethical life. I have examined most of your belief systems and I am absolutely convinced that I am doing the right thing and I require no fearful inducements to consider any claims out there.

I am living with a joy that comes from having no weight of doubt or fear or sinfulness on my shoulders. I am living a life of atheist joy. 

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If you enjoyed this post you might also like:  
Your Life Has No Meaning

You Were Never a Real Believer

Science is Your God

 

The Big Question: Death

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Have you had a death in the family lately?
If so, my sincerest sympathy.
I lost my dad a few years ago and it is very difficult; there are no simple words to comfort you.

Many of the people who read this blog or who read my writing in other places have asked me to write about death. Talking to children about death is one of those things that makes us feel all bunged up and fearful inside, me included. So remember as you read this, I'm not a superior parent in any way and nor do I have any magic bullets or tricks... I have my pain, loss, grief, my difficulties. I simply do not go back to the Old Time Religions to find comfort.

When I got the news that Dad had died, I was at my son's soccer game. My phone rang and Mom just told me. I remember kind of crying aloud NO! I remember things pausing and people looking at me for a few seconds. Then the shock set in and I don't really remember much. I honestly don't remember most of the people who were there for me at the soccer game (except for two lovely friends, who I will never forget). If you were one of the people there, please tell me because I appreciate the support that I got there!

One weird thing happened though. As I waiting for my son to finish playing those last few minutes of his game, after I called my husband, one of the moms came up to me saying with sadness I don't know what else to do, and she handed me a little envelope filled with arnica tabs. I learned later that that woman is a doctor of homeopathy. 

I do remember that no one offered to pray for my family, and I am grateful for that respect. But if they had, I wouldn't have minded much, because I realize something very key:  Those first moments of shock aren't in your hands. They are in the hands of the people around you. They will be the ones who initially feel completely powerless, completely lost, entirely aware that they are inadequate to the shock of that moment.

The next few hours are kind of a blur of activity to get from where I was to where I needed to be. We got to Dad's house and they had all been waiting for me as I had been quite a distance away and needed to gather up my people along the way. Dad was on a gurney thing. Still. My sisters and brother were nearly speechless. We were so silent. Still in shock, I guess. We just looked at each other and felt lost.

I started to tell them about having had an email exchange with Dad 36 hours before that moment and how I had written to him and he hadn't replied and I had thought that he had signed off and had gone to bed... Sadly it is thought that he must have died during that email exchange because it was clear that Dad had died while sitting at his computer and had been there for some time before his best friend found him.

I still think of that email exchange that Dad and I had that night because he and I were talking about music. I got my love of music from Dad, I'm sure. He always had music playing. He and I, in our emails, were sending youtube videos of Ray Charles back and forth. I had sent this one by Ray Charles to him and he hadn't replied...


How to experience my grief with my kids there? How to help them through the many conflicting feelings that we were experiencing? How to navigate the complexity of my family's dynamics through this loss?

Just a short while before he died on his birthday.
Here he is saying, "I don't feel 72; I feel 27!"

One thing that comforted all of us was the fact that we had spent time together, all of us, for Dad's birthday just days before he died. Knowing that we shared such loving and fun memories was incredibly helpful to all of us. Taking every effort to get together regularly, all of us with our separate busy lives, made it easier somehow to move forward.
Yes, I said that. Spending time with your loved ones really means something.

The next year was a mess. Dad's house and things all had to be dealt with. Going through his house and all of his things was painful and stressful and emotional for every one of us. Each of us handled it differently. My brother was angry alot. My sisters and I tended to talk quietly together, cry together and alone, and put our backs into the work of the house. But somehow it was okay, because that is what families do. Be together. Share the work. Be there. Give space. Find the laughter. Hold hands, hold heads, hold hearts. Recognize that everyone grieves differently.

At some point we each inherited a small amount of money from Dad's estate and house. Not much, but each of us found ways to use those few dollars in ways that we felt would have pleased Dad.

• My youngest sister took my daughter to New York for a week of sightseeing and theater, lots of theater! Thanking Dad all along the way.

• Jerry and I shared with friends whenever possible (as is our way) and then bought ourselves a camper and telescope. Dad loved our astronomy adventures so much, so spending a few dollars in this way felt wonderful.

• Another sister did some traveling, which she enjoys tremendously and used to entertain Dad for hours with her travel stories.

• My brother used his for more practical matters, as is his way.
  

Dad and I at my wedding.

Everything changes. Change is truly the only constant of life. You seldom get to prepare for it. So just live it. Move into it, into the future. Just feel it. Feel the loss. Make no effort to push it down unless you want to or feel the need to for some reason.

Live your life in such a way that you know you have loved fully and honestly. I think that is the real secret. Well, it's the only thing I know.


Some readers may be thinking Hey, you didn't tell us how to deal with death.

Ah, but I did:

• Live your life fully
• Make time for people and relationships in your life
• Create celebrations and reasons to gather
• Do everything in your power to connect with loved ones and find ways to enrich those connections
• Tell people that you love them
• Some parts of grief are completely out of your hands
• Everyone grieves differently
• The depth of feeling of the loss is a result of having loved well, so feel it
• Share your grief with others
• Allow others to comfort and care for you in ways that make sense to them and to you
• Remember your loved one openly
• Incorporate their life and memory into your today for as long as you want to or need to
• Move forward at your own speed in your own way in your own time
• Find ways to honor the one you have lost
• Share the work.
• Give space.
• It takes time and no one can rush it.
• Hold hands, hold hearts.

My experience with losing people who are important to me is this:  I am grateful for the sincere effort to love one another while we live. This life is the one we have. Live in a way that makes sense, that reveres your relationships, and in a way that you have no regrets for what you did or did not do or say. Live with integrity, honesty, and love.

When a significant loss happens you can only move forward with gratitude for having had the good fortune to have had that beloved person in your life. Honor that in ways that make sense to you.

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If you enjoyed this post please read:  
Logophile

25 Ways to Pass "Love" and "Tolerance" on to your Kids

Aussie Atheism:  A Question from Lindsey

It's a Homeschool Atheist Parenting Kind of Day

The kids and I were looking at my Pinterest board this week. They love to see which memes I have posted specifically for them, what I have pinned in my secular parenting board, what I've found and pinned under Humor, Freelance Writing, Science Lover, Psyched and Psyche, Self Esteem and Selfhood, various science boards, and others as well. But one of their favorite boards of all is Secular for a Reason.
I can put my computer display on the big screen TV and we can all look through the memes together.

The kids love it when they point to a specific meme that they love, when they talk about how true or excellent the meme is, and I say Thanks, I made that one.  Like this one   -------------------->

It's neat to have my kids feel proud of me for something like that. I haven't made any in quite some time now. Maybe I need to get on that and make some more!

In lessons lately we have talked about some philosophers, some early religious figures in a number of religious traditions, and some controversial freethinkers. I am so proud of the kids for their maturity when discussing these things. I am proud of them for having minds open by wonder. I am proud for their questioning. I am proud of their ability to study an idea or person that they disagree with and to take that study seriously. 

The day we spent learning about Saul of Tarsus was an interesting day because I expected them, John mostly, to speak with derision about the dubious nature of the history and knowledge that is available about Saul/Second Paul. (John is one to point out fallacies of logic whenever they appear in our studies.) But, instead, he and Elizabeth seemed to truly appreciate having this figure to study. They both commented on the poor historical documentation on these early figures in Christianity, but they did enjoy learning about this important figure in the church. But they wanted sources! They wanted access to source documents and source writings! (They often make these requests when studying many biographical figures.) The internet didn't disappoint!

I also recently taught the kids about the so-called Four Horsemen:  Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Imagine being the one to introduce your children to these men and their writing! Since this lesson, I have caught both of the kids reading works by these men and listening to youtube vids with them. The other day we enjoyed a rousing lecture on TEDtalks by Lawrence Krauss. Man, it's fun being an atheist parent!

Yesterday afternoon our lesson was to listen to the

Bill Nye/Ken Ham debate.
What did you think of it?

What do you enjoy sharing with your children?
What do they get excited to learn about?

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If you enjoyed this post you might also like: Did it Right Today

A Willingness to Learn

Our Homeschool Day

Limping Along...

While here in Australia I am on a laptop doing all of my online work that way. Sadly, this little laptop is failing.
Most likely I will not post again for about three weeks, nor can I respond to the many comments you have written lately and I'm so sorry about that!

I will see you again in March.

I am a Broken Record

I am still Homeschool Atheist Momma!

secular parenting humanist homeschool blog raising atheist skeptical freethinking humanist parenting atheist parenting

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If I've said it once, I've said it ten thousand times.
What are those things that you find yourself repeating time and time again as a parent? 

And why do I suddenly sound like my dad right now?

I feel as though I have become a record with the needle stuck. Sometimes, I think that the only things I say in a given day come from the following list. Below is a list of sentences that I say nearly every day, and where my child responds Oh, Ok, as though it is the first time they have ever heard it.

I know you have a list just like this!  Here is mine:

• Please put a bag back in the trash can. I just say you've got bag duty.
• Please move your shoes out of the middle of the floor.
• Please remember to put your dirty dishes into the dishwasher.
• Please brush.
• Can you please turn that down?
• Please eat some real food before you have that snack food.
• Please close the front blinds for me.
• Please take the trash out when it gets to overflowing like this.
• If she asks you to stop it, then please stop it.
• If he asks you a question politely, please respond with politeness.
• If you have trash, please put it into the trash can.
• Please put your things away.
• If you get it out, please put it away.

 

 

What about you? 

Do you hear yourself saying things again and again and again and again and again?

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If you enjoyed this post you might also like:  With Flaws and All

Another post you may enjoy:  Just a Regular Day

Or this one:  I Trusted My Gut

Licorice

I am still Homeschool Atheist Momma!

Before I had children of my own, I remember seeing misbehaving children out in public and thinking to myself, I will never allow my children to do that. I was the eldest of four children; I was a very responsible adult-figure to my siblings; I babysat a great deal; I was a step parent. With all of this experience and knowledge I was certain that I knew what to expect from parenthood. For example, I knew for certain that I would never spank them, punish them, yell at them, lose my temper, buy them too many things, allow them to behave in certain ways and I would make them to be kind and loving at all times, etc. I knew that I had waited so long to be a parent that I would be the best parent ever.

I think you know where this is going...

Along come my children and I begin to see that conventional wisdom about parenting is a total crock. First of all conventional "wisdom" offers everything from pick them up when they cry to allow them to cry themselves out. From breastfeed for years to use only organic formulas. From making your own baby food to using only baby foods from special producers. Second of all, the raising of every single kids is like entering uncharted territory. There are no rules and there are no maps.

When my kids were still newborns and toddlers I realized something important:  no one knows what to do! 

I, certainly, did not know. 

As the kids grew up and grew into themselves, I learned that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to make my kids any different than they already are, and why would I?  But the leading authorities on my list told me that if I reacted this way or that way my children would learn tolerance and kindness and respect. Many non-parents suggested that I had MADE my children this way or that way.

I laugh.  HA!

I am here to tell you that you can not teach a child to be kinder, less sensitive, more out-going, more compassionate, happier, to love athletics or math, to be a leader, to be optimistic, to have a sense of humor about certain subjects, or more willing-to-learn. What you can do is learn to work with and love the child that you have. To value your child as they are. To love themselves for who they are. To protect them from the people and forces that are judgy and unkind and insensitive.

Parents try their hardest and do their best with the knowledge and support available to them. There are no magic tricks and nothing superior that is available to the wealthy that isn't also available to those living with less.

The important things are truly love and effort...and love really IS effort.

All of my good intentions and determination to be a certain kind of a parent have all gone by the wayside. All of that knowledge that I thought I had vanished when I had my children. I realized that my parental education was just beginning when I finally became a parent. No parental role that I have ever played in my life could prepare me to be a parent to my children.

And, though I now consider myself a pretty darn good parent, I cannot tell you what to do to be a great parent to your child. What I can do and what I DO say to you is this: 

• Try and try again
• Try something new
• Trust yourself
• Trust your child
• Learn at every moment
• Do better today
• Forgive mistakes made
• Love the child that you have
• Recognize that your child is not an extension of you
• Support parents who do things different than you do.

Each new day is another opportunity to learn another, better way to approach the needs of your children.  And that is why, today, we are eating licorice and playing board games. Because as unlikely as that may seem to you, that is exactly what my kids needed today.

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If you enjoyed this post you might also like:  
Good Job!

One of my Worst Parenting Days

A Letter to the Parents of a "Difficult" Child