Go Smoke

Years ago, when the ground was still hot from all of the volcanoes and tectonic plate shifts, in my twenties, I remember this one time when I was feeling quite lonely, quite introspective, quite different. I was at the park near my house during a winter month while I was just thinking and feeling down and recognizing how I would probably never discover people who could or would appreciate or understand the way I move through the world.

In the mid-80s, I was standing near a tree, just looking out at the pond thinking to myself Dang, I wish I was a smoker; that might make it more understandable why I'm standing alone in the park on a day like this, because it wasn't just OK to be standing alone in the park on a cold day solely because I was lonely and deep in my musings. I even took a picture of myself that day, using a tripod, because taking a selfie wasn't a thing...for over two decades!

When I think of that blurry picture, I see myself standing there in a black-blue second-hand pea coat, face away from the camera, icy weather. I remember the thought I wish I was a smoker. I remember the beauty of the quiet of the day. I remember the perceived stigma of being there alone, with no witnesses whatsoever to my shame.

Being a deeply introspective person, a person deeply observant, deeply over-thinking, during my twenties, I was exquisitely aware of the uniqueness of my self. I knew I was not understandable. I knew I was too observant and too honest and too too and that knowledge was miserable to me.
I knew I was annoying to those around me who could not appreciate my own struggle with all of this.

Fast forward a couple of dozen years and I still, sometimes, wish I could just say that I'm going to go smoke, and then, just peacefully, solitarily breathe in the toxins inside of my little smoky cocoon outside the restaurant while the rest of the world spins on.

If you go smoke, you get to escape from the stress, from the interactions, from the unsaid, from the undercurrents, from the unspoken, from the connections, from the vibes, from your own reverie, from the intensity, from the overwhelm, from the immersion of so many keen impressions, hidden. 

The need to sometimes escape it, yet yearning for, requiring authenticity and depth...

I don't recommend this, by the way, being this type of person. It's painful. The absolute need for authenticity is exhausting.
Seeing underneath communication.
Seeing the motivations of others, whether I'm always correct or not, whether I'm seriously in error of these perceptions or not (which is not uncommon), the mind operates on several different levels at the same time. The realness in communication. The truths. Can't avoid it.
All of these qualities can really annoy people.

Sometimes, still, I think it would be a relief to just...go smoke.

.Your thoughts?.

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