This is Me: Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

I'm pretty open on my blog; certainly I've hit critical TMI mass several times. But it has occurred to me several times that there is no way to be completely open and authentic with my friends, with whomever is an audience for this blog. I tend to be a "glass is half full" kind of a person, a pull-myself-up kind of person, a person who wears the big girl undies. I very seldom write the negativity or pain of life. And does this make my life, or LIFE, look easy or simple. Or just something that it is not?

Well, I came across this blog post today by Joie on a blog called Creature Comforts. I'm not at all sure how I got there but I was very moved by her words and by the many other bloggers who had joined in on the goal of honestly and transparency. I'm going to add my voice to the truthsayers out here in blog land. Apparently this challenge became fairly popular earlier this year...I'm coming to it a but late.

AUTHENTICITY has been a personal goal and lifestyle for me for many years now. It became so important to me as, through my "recovery" from the early years, I realized that untruths were foundations for things that I believed in. I became stronger in dealing with those in my life who JUDGE and find others lacking. I became driven to be as truly authentic as possible...probably to the annoyance of those around me...LOL

Anyway, in the atheist and homeschool communities, in particular, I find it necessary to portray things honestly. I truly want people to change their misconceptions and to shatter the myths of these two important aspects of our lives in this family. Maybe I'm completely full of shit. But, if I am, then I am full of shit with complete sincerity and with the utmost of good intentions.

It is my hope that someone somewhere finds my words comforting, calming, and meaningful.

 I find this quote from Neil Gaiman's U of Arts Commencement Speech is truly inspiring.

The moment that you feel that, just possibly,you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That's the moment you may be starting to get it right.

- Neil Gaiman

And so, taking a deep breath and quelling any fears I have about you judging me, I begin! I know that I am safe here with all of you.

All Things Pre-Adult

1. I remember very little of my childhood.  Not that it was awful, but that I was so introverted and introspective and all things intro... But I do remember seeing a picture of myself one time where someone else was looking at me. I saw that picture and thought, "HEY, people can see me..."
2. My sister Brenda and I climbed on to the school roof several times.
3. My sister and I also used to "dumpster dive". We lived right next to the school so we would go to their "big green monster" giant trash can and bring home books and papers that had been thrown away an Play School! LOL Our basement was a mess and our parents were very tolerant and loving about it.
4. I remember being a real SNOT to my dad during my teenage years. If he ever thought "I hope you have a teenager who treats you the way you are treating me", well, he got his wish!
5. LOTS of promiscuity in those years. LOTS of it. (ages 19-25).  Sometimes I will remember a thing from then that I had (wisely) forgotten.. and get grossed out.
6. Because of that, I lived two very different lives simultaneously. One in which I was very, very professional and respected. One that which I never spoke about and kept compartmentalized and secret. Anyone from LIFE #1 would have been shocked about LIFE #2.
7. When I was alone and lonely, in public places I would long to know what people were saying to one another, what they were laughing about. I felt very isolated.
8. It took me yeeeeeeears to love and accept the "female" part of myself. I had some pretty angry stereotypes about women in my head.
9. I was always a smart kid. I would hide those things about which I wasn't smart. I thought that if I didn't already KNOW everything, then I wasn't smart.
10. My sister and I had LOTS of silly "inside jokes" and we made fun of people alot.
11. Actually, most of the "bad" stuff is pretty boring stuff. I always felt veeeeeeery boring and sometimes tried to put stuff I read in books into my own life...including some of the drama. Because I was boring and invisible.

Adulthood:

1.  I hate being an adult. I detest the responsibility of all of the little crap we have to do to live in our society. Renew the sticker. Call the pharmacy. Take out the trash. Pay the state. Show your receipt. Tell your representative. Sign the form. Print out and bring this coupon. Replace the light bulbs. Replace the TP roll. Keep an umbrella in your car. Call the insurance company. Fill out the form. Mail in before September 1st. Compare policies. Prepare for the future. Read the signs. Hide a key. Submit your claims. Apply for a permit. Do not park in the red zone. Tip the waiter. Pay your fine. Water and seed the grass. Get a trim. Pay your property taxes. Change the oil. Make sure the address is visible through the window. Dust. Keep your shots up to date. Claim deductions. Use the edger. Post a warning. Remove the labels. Keep mittens handy. Submit your application. Remember your Personal Identification Number. Pay yourself first. Floss. Keep extra batteries handy. Buy some minutes. Balance your account. Weed. Inform everyone. Recharge your batteries. Change the filter. Renew your license. Be informed. Apply sunscreen. Get a check up. Return library books. Research options. Update your information. Send a card. Deduct your profit. Get a subscription. Blah, blah, blah. Hate it.
2. I often stay away ALL NIGHT reading and then feel like total crap the next day.
3. It matters to me when people read my blog. Maybe I'm still very externally-rewarded, but your comments are important to me.
4. My sister and brother are not in my life at all. And I'm OK with that!
5. Most of our furniture is hand-me-downs or from yard sales! And I'm OK with that too.
6. I take an antidepressant that works GREAT! If I miss more than a day or two, my kids know it.
7. I am a horrible housekeeper. I just find the work tedious, never ending, and annoying. It never ends. My husband ALWAYS picks up my slack.
8. I read some total CRAP novels!
9. I hate watching TV.
10. But I LOVE watching movies.
11. I have an itchy scalp.
12. We don't always love Australia and we are very homesick some of the time. We are disappointed that more people don't seem to write or anything?!

There you go, some silly, some totally TMI. But I am willing to put the facts out there. I want to live the maxims BE HONEST and BE YOURSELF. So, if you have read this far, Thank You for taking the plunge with me and Thank You, also, for your kind heart and friendship.

If you are inspired to join this movement, check out the above link and read some of the blogs mentioned on Joie's post.
Reading some of those links was inspiring to me.
Peace.


~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Reasons Why You Should Not Homeschool