Those days.
Days when a moment felt like an hour. I thought those days would never end. I remember holding you and thinking "What am I going to do with this child for the next eighteen years?" What I really wondered was, what should I do with her now?
I recall, with perfect clarity, feeling as though the future was a yawning abyss of fear and the unknown. Feeling as though I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Fearing the tedium. Fearing the intensity of the intimacy. Fearing the permanence of parenthood.
Alot of fear. But there was also furious and exquisite love. Profound, absorbing, elated love.
Did I appreciate the moments? Honestly, I'm pretty sure it took me awhile to truly appreciate the loveliness of those exquisite moments of beauty with my daughter. But, eventually, I did learn it. And I am still learning.Fast forward almost fifteen years, and I am now the mother of a statuesque, striking, amazing daughter who has fire in her heart and intelligence in her head.
How could these years have gone so fast? How could those inexorable dripping seconds become nearly fifteen years?
The teen years are coming in like a lion. Will they go out like a lamb?I wonder. I am lucky enough to have a daughter who challenges and bristles and clashes and struggles. A daughter who feels so deeply. I am truly awed by the depth of it. She is a young woman who yearns and dreams and fears and feels.
How HARD it is. How PROUD I am.
I wouldn't change a thing.
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This post is dedicated to all of the mothers of challenging daughters.
Are you one of them?
Are you one of them?
You said it with one moment feeling like an hour, and most of it tinged with fear mixed with desperate devotion. It's a push/pull relationship, and parenthood made me grow up more than any other event (college, marriage, work).
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is increasingly willful. She is growing into her will gradually, having been an easy, bubbly infant and toddler. She's only nine, but she's increasingly questioning, a little snippy here and there, bent on using her time the way SHE wants. It could get colorful in a couple years.
I love it when you write posts like this -- it's so beautiful and real. :-)
ReplyDelete*smile*
DeleteThank you, Stephanie.
One of the truest comments about parenting young children I've ever heard is, "If every day takes so long, how come the years are rolling by?" As my daughter approaches adulthood, I can tell you that sentiment is spot on. Where have the years gone?
ReplyDeleteIt's so true, Kathy.
DeleteI have taken to say, "The minutes are long, the years are short."