Friday, November 1, 2013

My Calling

atheist parenting being a mother having children difficult children raising strong-willed teens mothers and daughters mothers and sons
You know how you feel at the end of the day when the kids have finally brushed their teeth, kissed you for the last time that day, closed their doors, and they have gone to bed and you are left in the silence of the house? I am sitting here reliving the day.

John and I spent quite alot of time together in the last two days. He has been hugging me and hugging me all day, putting his forehead on mine and looking into my eyes with his deep, deep green eyes. Smiling at me so softly...
And yet I feel as though I could do better. Why don't I put the laundry down, the computer down, the dishes down and just sit and listen to him more? Why did I sit so far from him this evening when we were all together in the living room?

Elizabeth has hugged me tightly again and again today. She has smiled so lovingly into my eyes and told me how much she loves me, wishing me a Happy Birthday, Mum again and again.
Why did I not sit beside her as she read her work to me? Why am I not up in her room talking right now

Being the mother to these children is my calling. It is a thing that I am completely wrapped up in doing, the thing that gives my life true joy, the thing that I have waited my entire life to do and yet... Tonight I am feeling so inadequate, so imperfect, so tapped. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for them, but I also know that, even when I am doing my best I am so unsure, so flying by the seat of my pants, so lost...

What would they say if they were here with me? They would be hugging me and loving me so completely, so unabashedly...

...I think I'll go up to them right now!


Addendum:  Within minutes Elizabeth and I were laughing and talking.
It was a good decision to go up to her!


  1. I feel the very same way sometimes. But there are moments when I simply need space, when I cannot bear being touched. When I'm simply not up to giving them what they need, when I simply need a moment or an hour to myself, to be able to be the mom they need again. You should not feel bad about it, you have happy children, who get all the attention and love they need, and then some!

    1. Stephanie, Thanks for such a lovely virtual hug.
      I have those nights too...definitely.
      But last night, I think I was really NEEDING hugs and everyone had gone to bed.
      Jer has been working very, very hard and even though we had a really great night I didn't want to see him go to bed to get the sleep he really needed, I wanted to be with him...
      He came out later and hugged me good!

      Also, in truth, I know that I am a very loving, attentive, good mother. But every so often The Doubts just rush in...

      I'm all better now. *wink*


  2. Happy Belated Birthday Karen! You don't need me to tell you what an amazing mum you are! You are such a wonderful inspiration and role model to so many of us. As a fellow homeschooling mum I know how you feel. Come the end of the day I just want to shut down but after they've gone to bed I just berate myself for not having made the most of my time with them. Why didn't I listen better, give more cuddles, etc. The reality is that as a homeschool mum you not only have to be their mum, you're their teacher, curriculum developer, carer, etc. It's natural that you need a break, but I have no doubt that they are getting more love and attention from you than 99 per cent of kids out there, even when it doesn't feel like it. Hope you had a great birthday! Eugenia Coy x

    1. Eugenia, thanks for the hugs! I feel them!!!
      I wish I didn't go to berating myself when I get tired...OR, maybe I should keep it to myself......?

    2. Please don't keep it to yourself! I would feel like I'm the only one who feels this way if it wasn't for your honest blogging! xx


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