My Calling

atheist parenting being a mother having children difficult children raising strong-willed teens mothers and daughters mothers and sons

You know how you feel at the end of the day when the kids have finally brushed their teeth, kissed you for the last time that day, closed their doors, and they have gone to bed and you are left in the silence of the house? I am sitting here reliving the day.

John and I spent quite alot of time together in the last two days. He has been hugging me and hugging me all day, putting his forehead on mine and looking into my eyes with his deep, deep green eyes. Smiling at me so softly...

And yet I feel as though I could do better. Why don't I put the laundry down, the computer down, the dishes down and just sit and listen to him more? Why did I sit so far from him this evening when we were all together in the living room?

Elizabeth has hugged me tightly again and again today. She has smiled so lovingly into my eyes and told me how much she loves me, wishing me a Happy Birthday, Mum again and again.
Why did I not sit beside her as she read her work to me? Why am I not up in her room talking right now? 

Being the mother to these children is my calling. It is a thing that I am completely wrapped up in doing, the thing that gives my life true joy, the thing that I have waited my entire life to do and yet... Tonight I am feeling so inadequate, so imperfect, so tapped. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for them, but I also know that, even when I am doing my best I am so unsure, so flying by the seat of my pants, so lost...

What would they say if they were here with me? They would be hugging me and loving me so completely, so unabashedly...

...I think I'll go up to them right now!

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Addendum:  Within minutes Elizabeth and I were laughing and talking.

It was a good decision to go up to her!