Part 5 of 5: Prospective Homeschool Parents: SOCIALIZATION

 

Welcome to this last 

in a five part series of blogs 

specifically for
the prospective homeschool parent.

Are you online this evening surfing and surfing and surfing for information on homeschooling and fretting about it? Is there a possibility that you are considering homeschooling your children and would love to read some advice from seasoned homeschooling parents? 

If so, STOP the presses. Put down the surf board and RELAX.  You have found what you are looking for.

This is going to simplify things for you a bit. I have a large group of friends who homeschool. Between us we have over 100 years of experience homeschooling! In order to gather information for you, I asked each of them all to fill out a survey of sorts, looking for wisdom to share with prospective homeschooling parents. In this series I have shared much of the wisdom of these moms.

This post is about SOCIALIZATION.

For some reason this myth of homeschooling still pervades the internet and the fears of families considering homeschooling in spite of the many research studies and supportive propaganda.  Although I have done many posts on this subject, I will let the homeschool moms share their wisdom with you:

Darlene suggests that socialization in public schools is what should really be questioned:

Socialization is the process of learning to be a functioning member of society.
It is specifically not taught in schools.
It is easy to model when a child is exposed to the larger world.

Cathy, long time homeschooler, is uniquely qualified to calm your socialization fears:
Socialization was great, as the kids found themselves with many different ages and sorts of people, all the time, and learned to be strong and yet to get along. Socializing was also fantastic, ranging from Girl Scouts and dance classes with neighborhood kids to hanging out a ton with somewhat far-flung homeschoolers in our wonderful support group!

Rebecca has this lovely story to tell about socialization with her daughter:
My children are very good socially, talk to people of any age very confidently, and they are not ageist at all. My 8 year old invited an elderly neighbor he talks to over the wall, who I hadn't really met, to his birthday party - and he and his wife came, and are really nice! They get on with other children, teenagers and adults with no problems at all. They talk to people in shops, on the beach, wherever we go. The last thing that concerns me is "socialization".

Korin, confident homeschooling mom, states:
The socialization thing is not a real issue, that is a made up problem to frighten people who want to go outside the norm. One of the postives I do see from HSing is that my kids are NOT exposed to the type of dysfunctional socialization that goes on in any brick and mortar school.

And Angie says:
Socialization?  It's a myth. If you want your kids to become 'socialized,' then you don't keep them secluded at every opportunity. I've known traditional schooled kids that never took a trip to the grocery store or the post office with their parents. Believe me, they were Un-socialized! Interact with your children and find meet ups in the area. You'd be surprised how many like-minded people you'll find just by reaching out even slightly.

I have about a dozen other replies to this question, but most of them sound like this:
Socialization?  Sure, I let them out of their shackles every now and then.



ADDENDUM after Sophelia's comment below:

My 15-year old daughter, a homeschooler for 10 years has this to say about socialization:
It is possible to have good socialization, but it's hard. You have to figure out what you like and follow through with it. To meet people, I have had to be very deliberate, and do the hard things. 
It's not easy because I'm kind of shy. But kids are interested in hearing about homeschooling and that starts up some good conversations.

It's difficult here in Australia because there are few people my age. The friends that I do have here are always busy with school, work, and boyfriends.

Back home I don't have that problem because most of my friends homeschool and it's easier to get together with them and go places.  We are a close group back home. In a good week, I hang out with friends several times a week  Our parents encourage our time together.

What I find the hardest is getting the courage to talk to people. My parents often help me get started with friendships, but it can be difficult meeting new people who are open to friendships because they already have lots of friends and aren't open to adding new friends.

I have figured out that what you can't say to new people is "I don't have many friends here in Australia" and the people I say this to treat me oddly when I say that. But I've been here for several months and maybe I have scared them away by saying that.
I can honestly say that here, in Australia, I don't see friends often enough. I appreciate it when Mom works hard to schedule get-togethers with me, I'm a bit shy in setting days up by myself... 

 
Having close friendships is vital to most human beings, and doubly so for kids. Schooling children come with a ready-made pool of children to choose from, it's true. But that doesn't mean that all will be ducky; for example I had a very lonely childhood in my school.  But that advantage of a pool of children doesn't come ready-made for homeschooling families. I have put a great deal of effort into our entire homeschool experience, including friendships. I guess the caring parent will do everything they can to create friendships for their children.

I have to say that time with friends is a thing that we work hard on, create deliberately, and give lots of focus to. Our circumstances are quite different from most families, but it can be said that each family is unique unto themselves. Friendships will be easy for some to create and difficult for others. No one can tell you today what things will look like for you tomorrow. John has been trying to build a friendship with S, a school kid down here who lives just a house or two away. Although S is often home, he is not open to a friendship with my son. In fact, just this afternoon John told me that he is going to stop trying. I am mentioning this because being a homeschooler or not does not have as much to do with friendships as personality does in many cases. In this case, S is being pressured by people around him to NOT be friends with John...

Once a family begins homeschooling and finding the homeschooling community in their area, they are often pleasantly surprised with the many resources out there for homeschool families. Homeschool groups and co ops, frequent play dates, hobby groups, scouts, sports, neighbor kids, etc. can be good places to start. Your imagination is your only limitation!


As for a specific response to Sophelia, it is always possible to find people who are not educating their children in the healthiest way, who are not raising their children in the best possible way, who are living so outside-of-the-box that their children do not experience child-centered childhoods. That goes for homeschoolers and schoolers of all kinds. I am sincerely sorry when I meet people who were not given the best resources possible. It's not fair. Do we blame Sophelia's parents for Sophelia feeling so ill-prepared for life? We could, surely. But, rather, let's learn from her.

Let's recognize that raising children is a full-time job whether they are in school or not. Good things happen and bad things happen to children regardless of their learning options. Sophelia sincerely wishes for children to be raised in loving and protecting homes that offer dynamic opportunities for moving through the world. And don't we all.

Thank you, Sophelia, for asking me to make this post be more meaningful. You are absolutely right that I didn't put much thought into the post at all. And for something so important?! My sincere apologies. I'm glad you called me on it

Homeschoolers DO get tired of the socialization questions. But that doesn't mean they don't take it seriously. We do!  Even more specifically, Sophelia's comment about having been poorly-socialized, "I felt this way, and many of my homeschooled peers also went through periods of great depression when they began attending university and couldn’t cope socially" is very important for us to hear and to hear again. A couple of readers of this blog, themselves homeschool alum, often write on their about their on-going difficulties in life that seem to be a result of not having had enough time with similarly-aged friends growing up.

We, as parents, are trying our best. We do what we do in order to make good lives for our children. So, feedback from others in our shoes is absolutely essential for our improvement. Is it awful for me to use your cautionary tales as a lesson for myself? I hope not because I am doing that.  

I have spent many hours discussing friendships with my daughter and son. (Many of the above homeschooling moms do not have children who are teens as mine are.) It is my hope, my desire, that all parents work hard at having good, close relationships with their children so that they can frequently assess the needs of their children and teens...and so they can respond to those needs.

And, as for socialization, with sincere effort, it really can be wonderful being a homeschooler!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you enjoyed this post you might also like:
Twelve Homeschool Myths Busted By Homeschoolers
Prospective Homeschool Parents:  Part 1 of 5 

Homeschool and Socialization 

SAQ - Seldom Asked Questions About Homeschooling

I will be hostessing the upcoming Carnival of Homeschooling on April 2nd.
PLEASE, to my readers and blogger friends, submit some great reading material for this homeschool carnival!
You can send it to me directly at:  karen.loethen Ampersand gmail.com

With Flaws and All

I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. 
Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you. 

- Frida Kahlo

When you homeschool, you are with your children all of the time. You will be imperfect. Perfection is not only impossible. The striving for it is overrated. And a waste of perfectly good effort.

Instead, be what I like to think of as Good Enough:  

Try. Try hard.  

And be satisfied with the accomplishments 
and abilities of that effort.  

And tomorrow, try again using new information 
gleaned from yesterday.

My use of the phrase Good Enough Parent is different from the Neo-Freudian Object Relation Theorists of the early and middle parts of last century, though I did borrow the phrase from their work. Instead, I want we parents to allow ourselves the room to grow, to improve, to become more than we are today.

Parenting children is an ongoing School of Hard Knocks. We are imperfect. Our children are imperfect. But our love and our good intentions can be perfect in any given moment. We can do our best today, learn from each success and failure and need to change, and then be a different Good Enough Parent tomorrow. We are continually learning.

In fact, I became a much happier and better parent when I realized that I could apologize to my children. When I have made errors of judgment or intention, I can apologize to them by explaining my thought process and the moment when I realized I was wrong. And they get that. Hey know that, together, we are on this road of life.


Every parent needs to know this. So, take it from me, embrace your flaws! Embrace the flaws of your partner, your friends, your children, and yourself!
Because that is TRULY loving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you enjoyed this post you may also like: 

My Second Grade Teacher and Homeschooling 
Snarky Post about Parenting Styles

My SUPER Super Sensitive Kid

25 Ways to Pass "Love" and "Tolerance" on to your Child

I will be hostessing the upcoming Carnival of Homeschooling on April 2nd.
PLEASE, to my readers and blogger friends, submit some great reading material for this homeschool carnival!
You can send it to me directly at:  karen.loethen Ampersand gmail.com

A Culture of Peace

We are Americans living in Australia and we definitely notice the culture of peace here. I was just talking to my mom and telling her how different the kids and teens are here. 
 
I'm not sure what makes the kids different here, but they are. The other day I was sitting in the car in the dark waiting for the train. A fairly loud group of mixed-race teens walked by.   Back home I would have cringed and prepared for the onslaught of inappropriate behavior. Instead they waved at me and said, "G'Day."  They did not say a word or make any inappropriate gesture whatsoever to the young, cute teen girl walking the other way.

Street art goes unvandalized.   Walls go ungraffitied.  People go unmolested.  Grassy areas go untrashed.  People travel on public transportation and have pleasant rides.  There are no signs saying "Don't climb on the sculpture", but still no one climbs on it.  There are no fences around lovely things and gardens and whatnot and still people do not deface them.

I just don't get it! 

I feel like a sociologist trying to figure out what it is in Australia that works...

I Hate Depression

I'm feeling lonely.
I have friends who are very important and special and meaningful to me. But no one who I get to see very often. And, for whatever reason, I'm feeling sad and alone tonight.

We go for stretches of time longer than I am comfortable with without seeing any friends down here. The kids are lonely. Bored. Longing for friendships.
And I can do nothing about it. Homeschoolers all seem to do "Distance Education", AKA School at Home. Everyone is on a schedule and, therefore, unavailable during the week.

But that's just a part of it. Maybe it's the incessant rain, keeping us all inside and bringing on a case of cabin fever.
But that's not it either. Sometimes the existential aloneness of being human gets ahold of me and brings me down... It's happening now.

The kids, in fact, are being very productive with lessons and activities and whatnot. Jerry is incredibly loving and attentive to me. Things are...great. I have a good life...enviable, even.

But I feel a downward spiral of aloneness happening...

This evening Jer and I were talking about returning to the US, and how, maybe, I would feel better if I was home. But, you know, I don't think so. Periods of this aloneness hit me there too. It's just one of those things that I have to move through until I am working my way out the other end...
I'll be fine...just need some time.

Top Ten Habits of a Happy Homeschool Mom

I got the idea for this post from THIS blog:

http://thisadventurelife.wordpress.com/2011/02/22/ten-habits-of-happy-homeschooling-moms/

What would I say are the best habits that I have? 
written before I could fully read the one listed above...so I can't use her list!

My Top Ten List

10.  Connect with other adults as often as you need to. 
Some weeks I can get through the entire week without feeling that I MUST speak to someone who does not whine, throw ninja kicks and punches as we talk, or stomp out of the room in a tiff. Other weeks, it's minute to minute. The main topics of conversation that I need from an adult range from gardening to reading to hobbies. We almost NEVER talk about the kids! But there are those days when our most basic need to remind ourselves that we are capable adults...with brains and that we are not ruining our offspring!

9.  Have hobbies. 
I have several activities that I enjoy on my own, around the kids, but not involving the kids. I have some crafty things I do, reading, computers, yard sales, and blogging. I also enjoy beach walks, writing, and photography. These activities I COULD share with them but I seldom do. Honestly, it encourages them to follow their own bliss as well. Mostly, I admit, it's time in my own mind. Oh, and I've started embroidery since we've been in Australia (HEY, it's rainy!)

8.  Spend LESS! 
I have the urge to shop for more and better materials often. But, I realize and remind myself, I have enough.  Plenty. It's never a good idea to get into a habit of shopping when bored. And, down here in Australia, we find we do better when we use our imaginations rather than buy things.

7.  Share the mundane. 
The kids and I often talk about current events, family history, our schedule, upcoming purchases, people watching. It is amazing what can become a teachable moment. Just being alert to their questions, curiosity, interest, or confusion can be the start of a wonderful conversation!

Photo of Seth by Rayven

6.  Free time! 
I make it a point to make sure the kids are unscheduled, finished with lessons, and facing unplanned time. These afternoons are the perfect opportunity for them to create something out of nothing. Let them be BORED! These are the afternoons that they remember the most fondly. And, at the moment, they are working on one of those projects that they create when they have the time to follow their bliss:  A video blog of our time here in Australia!

5.  I sit down in the evenings after they are in bed and plan their lessons for the next day. 
I check out websites, create work or practice sheets, unit packets, etc. I have their work prepared for when they wake up. That way, they know, in general, what work and which chores they will be faced with in that day...before they get onto the computer and become comatose. But the best part...I can sleep later and I have time to plan in solitude.

4.  My daughter is awake late and my son is awake early. 
So, although this means that I have my sleep cut at both ends, I wouldn't miss these times with each child separately for anything in the world! My son enjoys the extra cuddle, read, talk time every morning. We might get over an hour each morning before my daughter wakes up. Sometimes these mornings are quiet and contemplative. Other times they are fun and full of laughter. In the evening, my daughter and I snuggle up and talk, play games (usually Scrabble!), simply be together, beside each other on the couch as we read. It's some of the best times of my day.

3.  Taking time OFF LESSONS is a wonderful time to regroup. 
We sometimes put all lessons aside for the week and get out of the house. Last January we took some time where we were tourists in our own home town. We had a great time and felt renewed and ready to get back to work after a few days off. Now that we are in a new country we simply get in the car and drive to someplace completely new, or to no destination at all! I'm not exaggerating when I say that these drives are some of our favorite times. And sometimes we look for the local community theater groups around us and to go show after show of amateur plays!

2.  I ask my daughter, who is 15, to sit with me as I create her lessons for the next day. 
John John enjoys this sometimes too, but he prefers to have me handle the planning. Elizabeth will tell me WHAT she wants to do for lessons and HOW she wants to learn it.  It's amazing how much more cooperative she is...and she almost always gives herself WAY more work than I would have..!

1.  Avoid thinking of work by the grade level. 
My son often wants to know the level of work he is doing in math...because he understands math so well! His work often comes from books intended for kids three or four grade levels above where he would be if he was in school. Knowing that makes him feel pretty proud...but how would he feel if he knew which grade's work he is doing in spelling??? I don't think he would like that. So, I keep the level out of it and talk about "HIS level". It is one of those things that a person could miss about homeschool that is just WONDERFUL - having your kids work at exactly THEIR LEVEL at all times.
Besides, don't ALL kids work at their own levels anyway, actually.

 

BONUS: 
Do lessons with other homeschool families. Contact a friend or two...or three... and prepare a day of lessons to share with all kids. One day four of us got our kids together for a day of simple machines. Besides just playing Mousetrap, our day was supremely excellent with so many hands-on activities for learning and so many different types of learning modes offered. It was WAY more fun than if we had done it on our own and all of the moms has their own unique way of teaching and their own activities to include in the day. You can do this with poetry reading, cooking, hands-on history, field trips, biology, gardening, microscopes, math lessons...you name it.
Who knows, you might even start your own learning co op this way.

So, there you go, those are my top ten for tonight!
What are yours?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Having a Bad Homeschool Day: 14 Ways to Turn Your Day Around
Thirteen Things I Wish I Would have Known About Homeschooling when I Started
Homeschooling and Socialization
Turning the Tables: Ten Things Homeschoolers Think about School

Pushing Pandia Press

Pandia Press Timeline

I don't know if everyone who reads this blog knows this, but I used to own a homeschool supply store in our home town.  When I decided to start the store, I started looking for really good resources to sell.  One of the things I spent a great deal of time researching was timelines.  I am a big fan of graphical organizers of all kinds and timelines are a personal favorite.  But everything that I found available was far too expensive, far too cheap, or just poorly made.  Except for one shining exception:  Pandia Press's timelines were gorgeous, very practical, very useful, and very affordable. 

So I invested in those products at my store.  As it happens, I also came to love the R.E.A.L. Science Odyssey (RSO)materials (a nice secular science set) and the History Odyssey series.  While History Odyssey was a huge seller for me, it may have been because I love the series so much.  The returning homeschool customers told me that their families also love the series.

Kathy and her beautiful family

But, back to the timelines.  After two years of carrying the timelines, Kathy (owner of Pandia Press) told me that she was discontinuing the timelines.  I'm like WHAT?!?!  Kathy felt that to continue with the next printing of the timeline would require her to do some design changes on the timeline and to make a financial commitment that she didn't feel she could make at the time.  I wondered aloud if she would be willing to update her timelines if she had an investor.  She said she would consider it.

I talked to my business financial adviser (my husband!) and told him that I wanted to invest in this product that I felt strongly about.  Together we looked at the product and the plans for the update.  My husband was impressed with the product at well.  So I did it!  I backed the production of these timelines.

 Before long I was able to put the timelines back on the shelves in my store.  And they were very popular.

History Odyssey

Well, I closed my store a few months ago, moved out of the country, and out of the loop.  A friend just posted something about Pandia Press offering 25% off of products for the month of March.  I ran over to the website and looked around saw two great things.  The first is the she finally got a level two secular science book out for middle schoolers  (YAY!)  And, second, Kathy has mentioned me!  Read "The Timeline Story"!  Well, I am not mentioned by name but by the phrase "an angel", but she did feel moved enough by the events of the investment to write something about it.  I am gratified. 

Anyway, if you check out the website and decide to give her materials a try at this substantial discount, make sure you mention that Karen sent you!  (wink)

Lessons on Bribie Island

Banksia

I don't want to go!

The Doctor never wants to go!  But today she had a surprise.  An island about an hour north of Brisbane with amazing treasures:  a beach full of soldier crabs, lorikeets, and a gorgeous surf beach!

On this rainy and wet day, we decided to go for a drive, taking random roads and letting chance dictate our direction.  We ended up on Bribie Islandhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bribie_Island.

First we went to Banksia Beach.  A real TREASURE of a beach.  At low tide, the soldier crabs come up to the beach.  There they sift the sand for nutrients, leaving small balls of sand behind them.  This invasion happens every day!  The thousands of little fellas are all BLUE!
It is absolutely astonishing!

Who knew?

After they sift through the sand, they leave the small balls of sand behind.

A man who was out walking his dog at this beach explained that the crabs remain on the beach and hide in the sand or scuttle away if they feel threatened.  We saw the scuttle alright!  They make this tiny little sound as the mob moves away at the same time.

Also on Banksia Beach were the squawky lorikeets.  It seems that it must be mating season because all of them were in twos in the trees.

Banksia Beach

We then took off for Woorim Beach on the east side of Bribie Island.  The entire east coast of the island is one long beach.  It is gorgeous!  We were alone for most of the time on the beach.  The kids ran in the water, shouted across the Coral Sea to America, and ...well, frolicked!  The sand was so clean and beautiful and the water was still warm and lovely.  We found some gorgeous shells and coral!  The weather was breezy, but still so nice!

This is my favorite picture of all!

The Doctor

Bonobo

We played in the water and collected shells and had a MARVELOUS time!  We only wished Jerry was there to share it with us.

And at the end of the day The Doctor said,  

I'm so glad we came!

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If you enjoyed this post about the Brisbane area you may also like:

At the Aussie Grocery

Or you might like:

I'm Not From Brisbane

Or you may enjoy:

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay

No, We are Not Canadian

The kids and I have a list of a number of FAQs we get from Queenslanders that we meet.  Those top three questions are:  Why are you here?  Do you like Brisbane?  and Are you from Canada?

But the jig is up!
We know the secret code!

Australians have discovered that Canadians are slightly offended when it is assumed that they are from American whereas Americans are not similarly offended when asked if we are Canadian.  Thus, Australians, in their endless capacity for peace and good international relations have given up asking people "Are you American?" And risking offending half of the people...

So they simply ask everyone from the North American continent Are you from Canada?

My Thirteen Tips for Parenting Your Strong-Willed Teen

atheist parenting, difficult teen, atheist parenting, difficult teen, atheist parenting, difficult teen,

Is your strong-willed teen confusing you?

Looking for that magical thing that will make everything all better?

I don't have the answers, but I think I'm doing pretty well with mine... (well, for TODAY anyway...) I think about this so often, how to raise my child. Figuring out the best way to parent this child has been a full time job for me, trying to help her to grow up to live a healthier and a happier life. It's not easy and both of us struggle with it...because it matters to us.

Actually I'm so grateful that my daughter is strong-willed. I myself was a mousy teen. Wishy-washy is how I thought of myself. So while I was pregnant with my daughter, I frequently heard myself saying that I wanted a strong-willed child, a child just like my sister Brenda, I would say. Well...I got one! So, to me the term "strong-willed" is not a pejorative; It is a challenge! 

Of course, there are no magic bullets in the parenting game, but I have figured out a few things in how to parent this child who is strong-willed. The way our parents raised us, that last generation, would not bring this child up to be healthy or happy. That authoritative parenting that I grew up with would, I think, make my child into either a bullying tyrant or an extremely insecure mouse who doubts herself. I didn't want my daughter to be either one of these... though she skims over both of them at times.

A parent's dream, to avoid the negative stereotypes with their beloved children. 

I've learned a few lessons as I've traveled this path with my daughter. For example, a token economy-type arrangement does not work with the strong-willed child. John, on the other hand, is thrilled to "earn" good points. Elizabeth couldn't care less! She laughs at the idea. She is not so lame that I can buy her cooperation. Oh no. Not this kid.

I have also learned that my beloved teen doesn't like to argue with me, although it certainly seems so at times. Conflict with me leads her to feel misunderstood and devalued. She far prefers to feel capable, respected, and loved. In fact, I think being heard and being understood are the major goals of Elizabeth's life right now. If she could accomplish these things without the drama, I'm sure she would do it.  

Another lesson I have learned is that those teen years don't necessarily have to be about teens "growing away" as they grow up. You can continue to experience delight and joy with your teen as long as your relationship with your teen stays strong (or gets repaired.) Although our culture tends to disrespect a close parent/teen bond, even to expect significant distance between parents and teens, each family has it in their power to create a family of their own definition. 

Allow your teens to direct their own lives, learning, healthy activities, and passions just as much while they are teens as you did when they were little ones. Celebrate with them. Be sensitive to their feelings. Acknowledge their struggles. Enter into difficult but honest conversations. Learn new ways of dealing with their growing and questioning minds. Support their journey. 
It means evolving as a parent.

As Elizabeth has grown up, I have worked hard to figure out the best ways to parent her. I have these few hard-won truths that underlie my philosophical approach to being the best parent I can be for her.  I have a few truths that I have had as a starting point when feeling like I am in a muddle, which happens often these days.

Those "truths" include:

• Say "Yes" - Unless a thing is unhealthy, unsafe, or unethical, I want to be able to tell my children "yes" as much as possible. Why? Because I want my kids to know that they can make choices and to live with those choices. In general, I stand behind this though I have regretted it on occasion.  
• Expect her to treat others kindly - Under no circumstances is it okay to victimize another person or to make them subservient.
• Avoid punishment and grounding - In almost every case, this type of parenting merely sets up a negative feedback loop. The teen feels misunderstood and sits and stews in those feelings; that is the last thing she needs at a time like that. Talking a crisis through is a better way of encouraging a teen to work through the overwhelming emotions. Almost no teen ever went into a grounding without also slamming a door. At least mine never has!
• Be honest - As long as my children are honest with me about mistakes, I always give some leeway in consequences. And my honesty with them lets them know I trust and respect them. 
• Always model mature behavior - Regardless of how pissed off I am, I seldom go off on my daughter. I have raised my voice, but I know that she uses my increased volume as a sign to increase her own. If I need a time out, I take one.
•  Involving my daughter in decisions about her life does not take away my authority, but it shows her that I respect her opinions and her needs and that I think she has a great deal to offer.
• View "defiance" as a problem with the relationship in that moment - rather than as an issue with someone's personality. At this point think about how to improve the relationship. Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your teen always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship. Not surprisingly, my daughter is always aware of this transition in an interaction and she transitions as well.
• Recognize she is feeling out of control - At the moments of her worst outbursts and behavior, I know she is feeling either out of control, painted into a corner, or in a "down" position. At any one moment, she is doing the best she can so I have to be aware of these meta messages and make changes accordingly.
• Our relationship matters - I have this advantage, there is no doubt that our relationship means a great deal to both of us. Some parents may not have this advantage. My daughter is tough, it is true.  But I know that, no matter how hard she makes things, as some point she will always come to me, apologize, and be able to talk and think again.
• Reinforce the desired behavior - Without fail, expecting a child to learn from negative consequences will not produce the desired behavior. We all know this.  

OK, LOTS of information here. Stick with me.

Without further ado, and after much thought, here are my thirteen tips for dealing with my strong-willed teen. I don't claim that they are miracles, but I do claim that these tips can improve even the most difficult of parent/teen relationships.
Maybe even the most difficult human vs. human relationships.

It all begins with the relationship:

1. Let Her Save Face.
   There is no point in needing to be right. Allowing my daughter to have her own views and to find her way to new information has very positive effects. It allows her to not have to be oppositional with me. It means that our conversations can be less about her being in a "learning" position, which she hates, and more about us exploring ideas together.
   
   If I give her the room to back down, she will do so gracefully (and gratefully). And, I notice that the times when I force the issue of me being right, the less productive it is. Letting her save face also allows her to feel positive about the lessons she does eventually learn.
    
2. P.S.  Needing to be "right" is a power struggle you don't want to get into and it suggests that you have become a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. Besides, NO ONE learns a lesson during a conflict. The more you push the issue, the less likely your teen will ever "give in."
   
3. Remember that thing about how we are our child's inner voice?
   The way I talk to my daughter will become how she talks to herself. If I am harsh with her, she will take that inside. If I am gentle, yet firm, she will learn to let herself off of the hook when she feels stuck inside, even when she needs limits and boundaries. Putting your relationship with your child in the forefront and sincerely letting them know that the relationship is important to you helps! I have found that our best days happen when we both acknowledge that our relationship is essential to our sense of well being.
4. A strong-willed teen is seeking to master her surroundings.
   (Brilliant insight, I know.)
   The more I allow her to make her own choices without my input, criticism, or comment the happier she feels. Of course this means that we all have to live with her choices. As long as she makes those choices, however ridiculous they may seem to me, the less she feels the need to rebel against me.

   For example, Elizabeth has these shorts that I think look like underwear with the Union Jack on them. She thinks that they are OK to wear in public while I think they look shocking. The other day, as I was driving her to the mall to meet with friends, it occurred to me that she might be hiding something about her wardrobe. I asked her if she was hiding some Union Jack under that long black skirt. She looked over at me and said that she was. I could have freaked. (Maybe I should have, but) I asked her to show me how they looked without the skirt. With the black tights they still looked awful, but I told her, "Well, then keep the skirt in your bag in case you want it." Off she went, at the mall, wearing the underwear shorts over the tights. When I picked her up later, she was wearing the skirt. BAM. I wasn't the bad guy. But watching her walk away in that get up was murder!

   
   
5. Give her absolute power over her body
   The dressing issue comes up for us often, but there is more, more than just the shoulder-length earrings and black make up.

   One morning, picking her up from a sleepover, I found my daughter's skin covered with tons of doodling, all in Sharpie Marker. Words, images, all over her body. I could see her waiting for me to explode. I wasn't happy, but I did say, "How cool is that one...who gave you the Union Jack?" She was so happy and talked about the experience for days. Later she admitted how silly the ink was and how it lasted way longer than she had hoped.
   (yay)
   
   Also, when my sister was in high school she and her best friend shaved their heads, bald! We could have freaked. But, guess what, it grew back.

   .
   .
   Still with ME?
   Let's keep going...
   
   
6. Value the relationship you have with your teen.  Communicate this to her by listening to her point of view. If she has a habit of putting her feet down and standing her ground it may get your goat. So remember, the thing she is standing up for is important to her. Do everything you can to listen calmly to your teenager. If you can listen with a loving heart and if you can find a way to "yes" you will find that the generosity and goodness of your heart will begin to be mirrored in your teen. The closer you work at being with your teen the more likely you and your teen will be able to find a middle ground. Which brings us to...
7. Try to see struggles from her point of view.
   When Elizabeth sees that I am seeking to see her point of view, she appreciates that. For a moment, overlook her unpleasant attitude and look at the content of the situation. Evaluate the conflict based on whether it strengthens or weakens your relationship with your child. Making this effort to approach the conflict in this empathic way helps your teen focus on improving her behavior rather than on being angry at you.
8. Give choices -
   Chores and responsibility. Will I sound utterly simple if I remind parents to give their child choices? Saturday chore days around here can be very unfun if I forget this one. But, the days I remember to offer choices of what needs doing and when it needs to be done, I get lots more cooperation. No one likes orders. I HATE rules and orders and guidelines. Interestingly enough, when I give her a job that actually challenges her, she tends to rise to the challenge! Which brings me to the next...
9. Remember what it's like to have a tyranical boss - Who likes this?
   Who enjoys and respects a tyrannical boss? No one, of course. Start all interactions by reaffirming the importance of your connection with your teen and remember that teens generally enter into conflict when they feel bad about themselves or when they feel disconnected from us. These states of mind can be difficult for a teen to put into words and they can be a difficult feedback loop to escape from.
   
   
10. Use empathy when setting limits - Sometimes we, as parents, have to say "no". When necessary, do so with empathy. Acknowledge your teen's feelings so that they know that you truly care about the feelings that they have. The less confrontational a limit is set, the easier it may be for your teen to accept those limits. In ALL situations when your child is in danger, you must set limits with extremely high levels of empathy and enforce those limits.
11. Offer your strong-willed teen respect and empathy. Most teens are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood. If you see his point of view and think he's wrong you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit. 
12. Avoid Groundings and Punishments -Timeouts, while infinitely better than arguing, are just another version of punishment by banishment and humiliation. They leave a worked-up teen alone to manage their tangled-up emotions. They actually undermine opportunity for emotional growth. They break down, rather than strengthen, your relationship with your child. They set up a power struggle. Instead, expect a teen to face natural consequences. Teens can learn alot by suffering through natural consequences. In some difficult cases, we all learn from letting things go wrong. 
13. Give yourself a timeout when you feel like your temper is rising. If you're in a heated discussion, excuse yourself for a few moments before shouting or saying hurtful things. Take a break until you can come back with a more rational approach. Your teen will see a health way to handle being difficult and may be more apt to play a calmer part in the discussion once he sees that you are being respectful toward him.
14. Recognize that the final goal is for your teen to be able to self-discipline. It takes time and the teen years are learning years. Ultimately loving guidance results in your teen being better able to make decisions for herself...and isn't that what this is all about?
    

And, BONUS!  

Number 14: ENJOY and CELEBRATE this child!  

That strong will will take them far in life!

Did you notice?

Much of this is MY attitude needing adjusting.

I'm The Doctor and I have APPROVED of this message

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