I'm feeling lonely.
I have friends who are very important and special and meaningful to me. But no one who I get to see very often. And, for whatever reason, I'm feeling sad and alone tonight.We go for stretches of time longer than I am comfortable with without seeing any friends down here. The kids are lonely. Bored. Longing for friendships.
And I can do nothing about it. Homeschoolers all seem to do "Distance Education", AKA School at Home. Everyone is on a schedule and, therefore, unavailable during the week.
But that's just a part of it. Maybe it's the incessant rain, keeping us all inside and bringing on a case of cabin fever.
But that's not it either. Sometimes the existential aloneness of being human gets ahold of me and brings me down... It's happening now.
The kids, in fact, are being very productive with lessons and activities and whatnot. Jerry is incredibly loving and attentive to me. Things are...great. I have a good life...enviable, even.But I feel a downward spiral of aloneness happening...
This evening Jer and I were talking about returning to the US, and how, maybe, I would feel better if I was home. But, you know, I don't think so. Periods of this aloneness hit me there too. It's just one of those things that I have to move through until I am working my way out the other end...
I'll be fine...just need some time.
I tend to do though something like this seasonally... though this year was better than most because I have been so focussed on getting my daughter graduated. I hope you feel better. Writing helps a lot
ReplyDeleteKaren I am really sorry to hear that you are hitting a spell of depression. We all seem to go through it from time to time when, for whatever reasons trigger us, we just don't feel ourselves. I think mom's especially fall prey to this since we are always keeping ourselves busy thinking about what the kids need& what the family needs. It tends to creep in more quietly that way. I hope you are able to find whatever it is that helps you get out of the funk. I know it's always something different for me. But it seems to pass& I hope that is the same for you. <3
ReplyDeleteMae
I'm so sorry that you're having a bout of depression. It's wonderful that you have the depth of understanding to know that it will pass. (Many people don't.) I can empathize with what you're describing. I don't have many friends (long distance or otherwise), partly because I've been choosy about who I let into my life in that manner, and partly because I live in an area (the Bible Belt) where the workplace and church are people's main means of socialization. I suffered my own bout recently, centered on the feeling that I lead a small, less-meaningful life. My husband said I was doing a George Bailey (minus the drunken bar brawl and and contemplation at the snowy bridge). I used it as a springboard for performing random kindnesses, which has helped me refocus.
ReplyDeleteYou know that phrasing about grief visiting a person? I hadn't heard it in a long time, until I read an interview with Stephen Colbert, where he talked about that phrase:
“I’ve always liked that phrase 'He was visited by grief,' because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door."
His description rung true for me. And I think a similar description can be applied to depression. I think that for anyone who's at all thoughtful, observant, and introspective, depression is like an entity that visits from time to time. Happiness isn't a constant or an automatic; like the oceans, it has its ebb and flow. And--like most everything else--happiness is not a guaranteed constant in life.
I've given you another long-winded comment... tsk-tsk! Please forgive my foaming-at-the-mouth. When I come to your blog to read posts and comments, I feel like I'm visiting a friend. Thank you for that. And may your recent ebb be short-lived.
This was wonderful food for thought...thank you for that.
DeleteI'll write more when I can...but I want to thank you and Mae and Ahermitt for the thoughtful (as in Full of Thought) comments. I'm still struggling, but, as we know, it will pass with some time...
Would I sound hokey if I told you "Thank You For Your Friendship"...?
That's not hokey at all. Thank you for your friendship, too. :-)
ReplyDeleteJust a month or two ago I was struggling with it getting out of hand...maybe I need to rethink my meds... But, I notice that I can take an extra half a tab for a day or two and see some improvement...
DeletePeace be the journey, my friend.
ReplyDeleteHi Karen~
ReplyDeleteI chickened out with that last comment and I’m sorry. I wanted to say that I’m so sorry that you’ve been in pain via depression. I wanted to say that you seem to be an extraordinary person, and you—via your blog—have been a bright spot in my life lately. I wanted to say—as I’ve told any of my family members when they’ve struggled with this—that you do what you feel in your heart is right for you to be on an even keel. But I chickened out initially because I’m shy and reserved and often concerned about being a buttinsky and putting people off. And then I decided to un-chicken out and reach out and hope that you don’t decide that I am some sort of crazy person.
I’m turning 40 this weekend. I mentioned that I’d had my own visit from depression recently, related to feeling my life is small, to watching my youngest sister literally fight for her life in the last three months, and other stuff. I’ve dealt with that by trying to spread kindness, and asking all my family and my (sum total of 3) friends to help me do 40 random acts of kindness as their gifts to me. And it's been helping me.
Life is too precious and way too short to spend any more time than necessary feeling depression or pain or misery. If you should ever want to “talk” to or just want someone totally objective to “listen”, I offer that gift of friendship to you. My email is mamabeanyatgmaildotcom.
Peace be the journey.
Thank you! My depression lifted after about a week of it...I think I need to kick my antidepressant up a bit every so often, that seems to help.
DeleteI will email you, though!
And, I absolutely love the 40 acts of kindness. Although the depression is chemical, I will take all the help I can get!